{"id":1072,"date":"2017-10-01T17:38:01","date_gmt":"2017-10-01T17:38:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/?p=1072"},"modified":"2019-07-15T15:51:55","modified_gmt":"2019-07-15T15:51:55","slug":"three-sure-fire-ways-to-build-trust","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/2017\/10\/01\/three-sure-fire-ways-to-build-trust\/","title":{"rendered":"Three Sure-Fire Ways to Build Trust"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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I’ve read a few comments from some people going polyamorous\nlately — specifically people whose partners are starting new relationships,\nand I am noticing a trend that is so very easily fixable that I just have a\nwrite an article about it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You see, they agree to something, then they tie themselves\nin knots to accept things that have nothing to do with what they thought they were agreeing to.   They’re upset, feeling bad about themselves for somehow being\ndeficient emotionally and just plain not doing well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You, the person who has a new relationship?  I know you love your partner and you don’t\nwant them to feel this way, so I am going to give you some pointers on how you\ncan build trust and a comfort zone for your partner as you’re enjoying a new\npartner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Set Expectations\nClearly and Specifically<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This one can be one of the biggest problems.  Let’s say you’ve got a date and you’re\nlooking forward to it.  You’re going to\nbe going out on Friday evening and coming back Saturday morning, so you say so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, lemme ask something: Are you leaving at 5 in the\nevening right after work on Friday and coming back at 11:59 on Saturday only to\nbe shocked to find an anxious and upset partner?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You might feel indignant about it.  You didn’t lie.  Technically, you were correct, and you certainly did what you said you were going to\ndo.  So why is your partner upset?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“I’m going to go on a date Friday evening and come back\nSaturday morning,” is crap for setting an expectation when someone is new\nto polyamory, it really is.  “I’m going on a date after work and am going to be\ncoming back close to Noon on Saturday” is saying the same thing you\nintended, but is much, much more accurate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Clear expectations are sure\nto make your partner feel more comfortable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Be Present When\nYou’re with Your Partner<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you’re physically\nwith your partner and texting your New Love, your partner is not going to feel\nvery valued.  If you are giving your time\nto a partner, you need to be fully present during\nthat period.  If you’re not\nintending to give that time, be clear about that, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It’s not that you can\u2019t have time to yourself or that you\nshouldn’t need it if you’re polyamorous. \nI’m writing this article right now in the living room of a hotel suite\nwhile my husband is reading comic books. \nBut when we went out for coffee, our phones stayed in our pockets, and we were talking to each other. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A former boyfriend of mine once commented that since time is\nall he has (it’s all any of us have) that when he is spending time with a partner, he feels like it is a personal gift of\nhimself.  I still remember those\nlunchtime coffee dates and long walks with great\nfondness because he was REALLY THERE when we were together.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don’t just do that for your new loves.  Do that for the old ones, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3.  Only agree to what you intend to follow\nthrough on<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It’s quite natural when confronted with someone who is upset\nto want to say something to soothe them down as soon as possible.   I get it. \nYou’re a kind person, and you hate\nto see someone hurting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The thing is, this is\nfoolishness.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My husband’s greatest strength and his greatest weakness is\nthe fact that he likes people to be happy and relaxed around him.  It comes from a place of love and kindness but can get really screwed up when the\nfocus is on soothing down rather than on being honest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In fact, it pretty damn near put paid to our relationship\nwhen he would agree to things when he perceived me to be upset that he didn’t\nreally want to do or want to follow through on. \nI could never feel comfortable on the follow through the part.   <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes, we did work it\nout.  But learn from this.   Only agree to what you genuinely intend to\ndo.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Doing these three things are perfect\nfor trust-building.  Setting expectation\nwell helps the partner relax.  Being\nfully present is an excellent way to show\na person that they are deeply valued, and only agreeing to what you fully\nintend to follow through on means that your partner can have rock-solid trust\nin you.  Not only is this good for\npolyamorous relationships, but this can also\nhelp as a parent, as a friend, and in all\nyour other relationships to let people know they can trust you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’ve read a few comments from some people going polyamorous lately — specifically people whose partners are starting new relationships, and I am noticing a trend that is so very easily fixable that I just have a write an article about it. You see, they agree to something, then they tie themselves in knots to…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,4,13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1072","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-boundaries","category-communication","category-relationships"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1072","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1072"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1072\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1074,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1072\/revisions\/1074"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1072"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1072"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1072"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}