{"id":1076,"date":"2017-05-14T11:11:54","date_gmt":"2017-05-14T11:11:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/?p=1076"},"modified":"2019-07-15T15:52:22","modified_gmt":"2019-07-15T15:52:22","slug":"polyamory-cant-come-from-cheating","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/2017\/05\/14\/polyamory-cant-come-from-cheating\/","title":{"rendered":"Polyamory Can&#8217;t Come From Cheating"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1005\" height=\"792\" src=\"http:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/07\/NoPolyamory.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-1078\" srcset=\"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/07\/NoPolyamory.png 1005w, https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/07\/NoPolyamory-300x236.png 300w, https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/07\/NoPolyamory-768x605.png 768w, https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/07\/NoPolyamory-850x670.png 850w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1005px) 100vw, 1005px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019ve been getting several letters that looks like this\nlately:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Dear Polyamorous Misanthrope,<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>My husband has had an affair and now wants to have a polyamorous relationship.&nbsp; She is pregnant, and wants him to live with her.&nbsp; How do I get over my jealousy and stop being so inadequate as a wife?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Any poly person who says that being angry at being\nmistreated is a symptom of inadequacy or that being jealous is somehow a\npersonal failing isn\u2019t someone you need to listen to at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h1 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Cheating and Polyamory<\/h1>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019ve got some advice for both sides of the coin here.&nbsp;&nbsp; Maybe you\u2019ve cheated on your partner and\nwant to be openly poly.&nbsp; Maybe you\u2019ve had\na partner cheat on you and then decide poly is the thing to do.&nbsp; In both cases, I\u2019ve got some less than\npleasant things to say.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">If You are the Cheater<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>To repeat to the people who have cheated and think polyamory\nis going to be their Get out of Jail Free card, please understand that\npolyamory <em>does not work<\/em> if you are:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Lying to your partner.<\/li><li>Insensitive to your partner\u2019s needs and desires.<\/li><li>Breaking agreements.<\/li><li>Expecting your partner to be convenient.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>If you have cheated and want to save your marriage, you are\ngoing to need to earn back your spouse\u2019s trust.&nbsp;\nThat is almost certainly not possible while still being involved with\nthe person you\u2019re cheating with.&nbsp; It may\nnot be possible at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">If You are Being Cheated On<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>If have been cheated on and are being told that you\u2019re to\nblame because of your \u201cinsecurities\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>You are being\ngaslighted. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Everyone\u2019s behavior <em>is\nalways their very own fault<\/em>.&nbsp; If you\nslap your partner for cheating on you, you\u2019re being abusive.&nbsp; Your partner didn\u2019t make you do it.&nbsp; If your partner says you were too stifling\nand that\u2019s why the cheating happened, the partner is still lying and breaking\nagreements. You didn\u2019t make them do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Maybe you <strong>are<\/strong>\ninsecure and need to work on that.&nbsp; Fair\nenough.&nbsp; Still not an excuse for breaking\nagreements.&nbsp; The only ethical options\navailable are re-negotiating the agreements or breaking the relationship off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h1 class=\"wp-block-heading\">What Good Relationships Look Like<\/h1>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019m not trying to paint relationships as throw-away things,\nby the way.&nbsp; My <strong>shortest<\/strong> current relationship is celebrating its ten-year\nanniversary this summer.&nbsp; The\nrelationships I have survive happily because of three things that are really\nimportant:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>We\ngenuinely care about each other\u2019s feelings.<\/strong><\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>I had a Bad Thing happen to me\nrecently and the pain of it will hit me at odd moments.&nbsp; The last time FWB visited, let\u2019s just say I\nwasn\u2019t feeling all that sexy.&nbsp; He\nunderstood that and was fine with cuddling.&nbsp;\nDo I realize and like\u2026 <em>care<\/em>\nabout the fact that he might have felt disappointed?&nbsp; Yep.&nbsp;\nVery much so.&nbsp; The point is that\nin good partnerships, there is <strong>mutual<\/strong>\ncompassion.&nbsp; <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I cannot overstate the fact that in\na good relationship, the <strong>mutuality<\/strong>\nof care is crucial.&nbsp; You cannot abnegate\nyourself to <strong>earn<\/strong> the cookies of\nbeing cared about, though.&nbsp; If it\u2019s not\nmutual, if it\u2019s a one-way street, you are genuinely better off without that\nrelationship.&nbsp; Love, deep down, is really\nwhat it\u2019s all about.&nbsp; I say it over and\nover and over again.&nbsp; Without love,\nforget it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>We are honest\nwith each other.<\/strong><\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>This has to be the most important\npart of the whole thing.&nbsp; My husband and\nI really did nearly divorce because of a lack of honesty in communication.&nbsp; We learned to be honest about what we wanted\nto do or not, and <strong>never<\/strong> to agree to\nsomething we didn\u2019t want.&nbsp; We found that\nwhere we disagreed, because we knew there were no hidden agendas, workarounds\ncould easily be found that everyone could deal with happily. (Were that not so,\nwe would have parted).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>We\nrecognize duty exists in relationships<\/strong><\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Duty is not a popular word and I\nhave been in relationships that eyeroll duty.&nbsp;\nNever, <strong>ever<\/strong> again.&nbsp; It is my duty to be honest about what I think\nand feel as well as volunteer my emotional state.&nbsp; It is my duty to do what I say I am going to\ndo.&nbsp; It is my duty to tell my partner if\nmy feelings have changed and I want something else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I do not consent to relationships\nin which people do not feel the same way about the paragraph above.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This makes it sound all harsh and\ncold and no fun, which is, I am sure, why the word has fallen out of\npopularity.&nbsp; But that\u2019s not what my life\nlooks like.&nbsp; It feels secure and\ncomfortable.&nbsp; I know my partners will not\ngrudgingly stay with me if they are unhappy.&nbsp;\nI know they\u2019re in my life because they want to be.&nbsp; <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I recommend a few articles, though, if you are dealing with\na partner who has cheated on you, and you\u2019re trying to decide what to do in the\nface of it.&nbsp; Yes, this is stuff I\u2019ve\nwritten, but I think it\u2019s important.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><a href=\"http:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/2007\/02\/25\/boundaries\/\">Boundaries<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"http:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/2012\/10\/23\/how-to-rebuild-trust\/\">How to Rebuild Trust<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"http:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/2007\/03\/18\/vetos\/\">Vetos<\/a> (Hint:&nbsp; Hate \u2018em and think they\u2019re crap for learning appropriate boundaries)<\/li><li><a href=\"http:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/2007\/06\/17\/the-emotional-bank-account\/\">The Emotional Bank Account<\/a><\/li><\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I\u2019ve been getting several letters that looks like this lately: Dear Polyamorous Misanthrope, My husband has had an affair and now wants to have a polyamorous relationship.&nbsp; She is pregnant, and wants him to live with her.&nbsp; How do I get over my jealousy and stop being so inadequate as a wife? Any poly person&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[12,13,15],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1076","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-rant","category-relationships","category-the-polyamory-community"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1076","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1076"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1076\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1135,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1076\/revisions\/1135"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1076"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1076"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1076"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}