{"id":1089,"date":"2016-12-12T09:00:27","date_gmt":"2016-12-12T09:00:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/?p=1089"},"modified":"2019-07-15T15:54:09","modified_gmt":"2019-07-15T15:54:09","slug":"six-rules-for-difficult-polyamorous-conversations","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/2016\/12\/12\/six-rules-for-difficult-polyamorous-conversations\/","title":{"rendered":"Six Rules for Difficult Polyamorous Conversations"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Even in the best of relationships, sometimes you\u2019ll need to have\na difficult conversation.  Maybe you need\nto tell a partner something you are pretty sure they\u2019re not going to like very\nmuch.  Maybe you need to bring up a\nsubject that, even if you\u2019re going to get emotional support, still kind of\nthrows you for a loop.  Part of being\nable to have a good relationship is being able to have a difficult\nconversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Know what you want to talk about.<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

What is it that needs bringing up?  Has it been sitting around long enough to have mutated?  This can happen, but it is best if you can think clearly to make sure you understand the core of what it is you want to bring up.  Is it something a partner is doing that you would like to have changed?  Is it something that\u2019s been weighing on your heart?  Difficult conversations are often those things that we\u2019ve left to fester, so a way to avoid some (but not all!) is to make sure you that once you understand a thing, that you communicate it.  That won\u2019t avoid all of them.  We change our minds about things.  We find we want something we\u2019re not sure a partner is going to much like.  Sometimes we feel unexpectedly vulnerable about something.  These things happen as a part of being human and we need to be able to cope with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, think. \nKnow what it is you want to talk about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pick a good time and place.<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Two in the morning, when the person is driving down a dark road, ain\u2019t it.  Neither is right before work when everyone is rushed.  Difficult conversations are rarely immediate and urgent, anyway, so it\u2019s a good idea to pick a good time.  This can be a time of day when you know both of you are more mellow and aren\u2019t rushed.  It should be a private place where you feel safe.  No matter how mellow or relaxing, though, I cannot recommend them on more than a glass of wine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Distractions should be minimized and you\nshould make sure you have enough time for everyone to process what you\u2019re\nbringing up.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Presume benevolence.<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

You and your partners love each other,\nright?  You\u2019re not out to get each other\nand you care about each others\u2019 welfare, right? (If you don\u2019t care about each\nothers\u2019 welfare, you shouldn\u2019t be partners, you know.)  Work from that assumption.  Let that inform what you have to say.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Be clear and kind<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Keep what you are going to say as concrete\nas possible.  This is not to say you have\nto have everything figured out before you start talking.  Where you\u2019re confused or unclear about\nsomething yourself, it\u2019s perfectly fine \u2013 nay desirable, to say so.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In addition to this, if there is a kind way\nto state something accurately, choose that. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Be willing to listen<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Once you\u2019ve had your say, make sure to ask\nif your partner has input.  Be willing to\nlisten deeply.  Be willing to ask\nquestions to make sure you<\/em> understand.  If someone comes to you <\/em>with something tough, be sure that you\u2019re willing to listen\ncarefully, then ask your own questions or explain what you\u2019re thinking and\nfeeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Know when the discussion is over.<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I like to talk. I like to analyze.  This is\nnot always the goodness you\u2019d think it is<\/em>. \nOnce you\u2019ve stopped making progress and are just chewing on an idea, it\nmight be the time to stop the discussion. \nSometimes this will be in a natural stopping point in a discussion, but\nsometimes it isn\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My husband and I, both of us having been on\nthe wrong end of discussions lasting into the wee small hours going nowhere,\nhave some rules that we agreed on for our own discussions.  We don\u2019t stay up late to talk unless it\u2019s for\nrecreational purposes.  Discussing the\ninfluence of Monty Python on American humor is perfectly fine.  Trying to understand why someone<\/em> is resistant to detailed budgeting is not.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We tend to be disciplined about bedtimes anyway because we\u2019ve learned we\u2019re little snowflakes and don\u2019t do well cognitively when we don\u2019t get our sleep.  We have some of those fake candles you can put on an auto-timer that we have set to go off around bedtime.  Many a night we stop even in the middle of recreational discussions and laugh, knowing we need to shut the hell up and go to sleep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But it isn\u2019t even the night stuff.  A six-hour Deep Relationship Discussion is a\nrare bird, indeed.  It\u2019s okay to get\neverything out some Saturday afternoon, then turn to your video game, ya know.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, when is the discussion over?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  • Are you repeating yourselves<\/li>
  • Do you feel understood?<\/li>
  • Is attention wandering?<\/li>
  • Does someone REALLY have to pee? (Breaks are\nokay.  But sometimes that can be a good\nstopping point)<\/li>
  • Are you feeling a little drained?<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n

    Any of these things can mean you\u2019re\ndone, or at least done for the time being. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The important thing to remember when you\u2019re having your difficult discussion is that unless it\u2019s an emergency, you can take some time over it.  It may be that some decisions have deadlines \u2013 whether to accept a job, when to have a baby\u2026 That\u2019s okay.  But after you\u2019re clear about the fact the deadline exists, it\u2019s okay to relax a little and just wait.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Even in the best of relationships, sometimes you\u2019ll need to have a difficult conversation.  Maybe you need to tell a partner something you are pretty sure they\u2019re not going to like very much.  Maybe you need to bring up a subject that, even if you\u2019re going to get emotional support, still kind of throws you…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1089","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-communication"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1089","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1089"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1089\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1137,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1089\/revisions\/1137"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1089"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1089"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1089"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}