{"id":1092,"date":"2016-11-15T09:17:56","date_gmt":"2016-11-15T09:17:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/?p=1092"},"modified":"2019-07-15T15:54:47","modified_gmt":"2019-07-15T15:54:47","slug":"three-reasons-why-self-knowledge-is-crucial-in-polyamory","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/2016\/11\/15\/three-reasons-why-self-knowledge-is-crucial-in-polyamory\/","title":{"rendered":"Three Reasons Why Self-Knowledge is Crucial in Polyamory*"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

While bad boundaries are certainly the worst issue I see when we\u2019re looking at polyamorous issues, I think poor self-knowledge is also another serious roadblock when you\u2019re trying to have great polyamorous relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My blog, and several others, tend to hammer away at things\nlike being honest about your feelings, learning to communicate well and having\nthe courage to ask for what you want. \nThat\u2019s all awesome, it really is!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But without solid self-knowledge, those steps are pretty\nmuch meaningless.  Before you can know\nother people intimately, you need to know yourself intimately.  Do you? \nAre you sure you do?  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let\u2019s look at what happens when your self-knowledge is\nincomplete.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Without self-knowledge, you can\u2019t ask for what you want.<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

You can\u2019t ask for what you want when you don\u2019t know what you want.  You might answer, \u201cThat\u2019s absurd.  Of course, I know what I want.  How could anyone not know what they want?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s actually an incredibly easy mistake to make.  Very often, especially in this day of having advertising and media-driven desires, what we think we want is merely a proxy for the thing we do want.  Ever bought a cleaning gadget when what you really want is a clean house?  Ever craved a drink when what you really wanted was to calm down and relax?  Ever wanted your spouse to stop primping in front of the mirror when what you really wanted was to be on time for an event?  We often get things that we think will solve the issue before we\u2019ve dived deep enough to find the issue in the first place, and jump at the means to the end as<\/em> the end rather than spend the time to think deeply about what it is we really want.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Self-knowledge is crucial to understanding\nclearly what you want.  Once you\u2019ve got\nthat down \u2013 what you really<\/em> want, not\nonly does asking for it become easier, you won\u2019t get distracted by asking for a\nmeans as<\/em> the thing you want rather\nthan the actual thing you want.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Without self-knowledge, you will seek things that are not good for you.<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I am a Heinlein fan.  Have been since my early teens.  I thought I wanted a group marriage \u2013 communal living.   Wonderful friends all around all the time, mutual support and plenty of hot sex.  It would be like a big family Christmas gatherings only all the time<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Those of you who are or have lived in a\ngroup marriage can stop laughing and pointing now, okay?)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reality, no group marriage, no matter how in love, how great the sex or how well we got along would ever<\/em> have made me happy in the long term.  While not quite<\/em> a recluse, I\u2019m close.  Oh, solitude, sweet solitude, how I love thee\u2026  My house is completely silent right now, except for the sound of water trickling into the aquarium and the silence in which to write is bliss beyond measure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Needing vast wodges of solitude simply\nisn\u2019t conducive to group living.  I\nwanted the group marriage because I figured with the right mix of people, being\nsocial would be pleasant for me, and it would cure me of never really wanting\nto hang out with people.  I thought\nbecause I wasn\u2019t shy (I\u2019m not at all) that I couldn\u2019t possibly be a real<\/em> introvert and it was just that I\nwas stuck around a bunch of irritating cretins, and once I found my real<\/em> tribe, I\u2019d want to bond.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nope. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What I like\n<\/em>is visiting my intimates every few months and hanging out with them for a\nperiod of time.  Those big family Christmas\ngatherings all the time<\/em> wouldn\u2019t be\nfun at all.  It\u2019s the rarity value that\nmakes me treasure them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My imperfect self-knowledge caused a lot of\ntrouble because I went looking for something I didn\u2019t want, didn\u2019t make me\nhappy and made a lot of other people unhappy in the process.  Knowing who you are and what makes you happy\nis utterly crucial to good relationships because you can make better choices\nabout what is good for you or not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Without self-knowledge, you cannot know who would be a good partner for you.<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

So, being as reclusive as I am, being\nmarried to an extrovert would be a special sort of hell, wouldn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not really\u2026 Provided that extrovert is happy going out to noisy parties rather than having me throw them, it actually works out rather well.  It\u2019s not that simple, by the way, and anyone who takes this as a license to leave an introverted partner home alone to manage the house while going out to have all the fun is bending this example way the hell past your breaking point.  Don\u2019t be an asshole.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The point is, it requires full<\/em> self-knowledge.  Does being left out bug you?  How do you feel when your partner needs a lot\nof attention?  What is it, really, that\nmakes you happy?  When you know these\nthings, good partner selection becomes easier.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now we know that self-knowledge is really important.  Awesome. \nNext week, we\u2019re going to talk about how to get that self-knowledge.  We\u2019ll talk about questions we need to ask\nourselves as well as some techniques to use to get to the true heart of the\nmatter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

________________________<\/p>\n\n\n\n

* Y\u2019all like click-bait titles?  Fine. It doesn\u2019t really change the content.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

While bad boundaries are certainly the worst issue I see when we\u2019re looking at polyamorous issues, I think poor self-knowledge is also another serious roadblock when you\u2019re trying to have great polyamorous relationships. My blog, and several others, tend to hammer away at things like being honest about your feelings, learning to communicate well and…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1092","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-polyamory-101"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1092","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1092"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1092\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1095,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1092\/revisions\/1095"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1092"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1092"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1092"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}