{"id":1096,"date":"2016-10-25T08:00:55","date_gmt":"2016-10-25T08:00:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/?p=1096"},"modified":"2019-07-15T15:55:12","modified_gmt":"2019-07-15T15:55:12","slug":"the-five-unbreakable-rules-that-make-polyamory-work","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/2016\/10\/25\/the-five-unbreakable-rules-that-make-polyamory-work\/","title":{"rendered":"The Five Unbreakable Rules That Make Polyamory Work"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Okay, mah poly children. \nGrandmama Java (my granddaughter was born Monday) wants to roll it back\nto some basics for making polyamory\nwork.  If you practice these five rules,\nyou will have great relationships, and\nyou will find that things work better for you. \nOne caveat.  It will not fix<\/strong> someone else breaking these rules,\nbut Rule Five talks about this, so you\u2019re still all good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Love<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

1 If I speak in the tongues n of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

4 Love is patient love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now, we see only a reflection as in a mirror; I then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

The Bible may not be part of your tradition or beliefs, but\nthis passage still makes a significant point. \nLove is a big, honkin\u2019 deal.  No\nlove, polyamory won\u2019t work.  I put this\nfirst because it is the most important. \nLove first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And by the way, love and NRE are not the same things.  NRE is fun and awesome, and love can often be.  But sometimes it is boring and tedious.  It\u2019s as much cleaning up after someone who threw up in the night, as it is about walking down a beach hand in hand watching the sunset.  I talk more about the dull and tedious side because the other side is easy.  But the fun is important, too.  Just make sure you\u2019re doing both.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And love is also a verb. \nIf you\u2019re sitting there feeling nice, that\u2019s cool.  But get up off your ass and do stuff.  That\u2019s where it\u2019s love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Be Honest<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Relationships don\u2019t work well in the face of lies.  You might think you\u2019re getting something you\nwant (from peace and quiet to a piece of tail). \nUltimately, you\u2019re not.  If you\nneed peace and quiet and can\u2019t get it when you\u2019re being honest, maybe you need\nto take a look at Rule Five.  If you want\nto get laid more and think you can\u2019t do it being honest, again, Rule Five is\ngoing to be important to you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The thing is if you modify the noun \u201chonesty\u201d with the\nadjective \u201cbrutal\u201d then I think you might want to take a look at Rule Three and\nRule One.  Honesty is not incompatible\nwith kindness and love.  If you think it\nis, you need to work on your communication skills, cupcake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To do an end-run around the whole, \u201cBut what if she asks, \u2018Does this make my butt look big?\u2019\u201d And she happens to be a bit broad across the beam. I want to offer this thought:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You can still be kind. \nYou can ask, \u201cAre you asking if that is flattering on you, or if it\nemphasizes your butt more than you like?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s not dishonest, and it is also kind. You\u2019re asking for\nclarification about what they really mean, and you\u2019re not assuming.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For what it is worth, if you need feedback and you\u2019re\ndealing with a partner who you know does their best, to be honest (you\nfortunate thing you), you can help by making sure you\u2019re asking the question\nyou need to be answered.  If you need\nreassurance that you\u2019re loved, found attractive, valued or whatever, it is\ntotally okay to ask for exactly that! \nAnd hey, since that\u2019s what you want and need, it\u2019s also\u2026 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Being honest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Be Kind<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Pobody\u2019s Nerfect.  I\nget that you sometimes have a terrible day. \nBut try, try, try to keep kindness in mind as your motivator for dealing\nwith your loves.  The presumption is that\nyou love them, right?  You want to treat\nyour loves well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The thing is, treating a love well means that you\u2019ll need to\nknow your loves well enough to learn what makes them feel loved and cared for.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As just a dumb aside from the somewhat boring dailiness that\nis my own life, one of the things that make me feel cared for is when someone I\nlive with does some sort of chore around the house without being asked to.  These days, I am the primary carer of the\nhome because I work from home and it\u2019s just easier for me to do stuff.  The Prince, who knows this little fact about\nme and was home as we were readying to visit our new grandbaby, emptied the\ndishwasher while I was clearing up some work for a client.  (He also knows emptying the dishwasher is not\na task I am particularly fond of).  So,\nhe just did it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have another friend who feels most loved when she is given\nlittle gifts.  You know teeny silly stuff\nlike a cute eraser or a specialty truffle. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kindness and love do involve getting to know your partners well enough to know what acts of kindness are valued.  It\u2019s a mistake to assume.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Own Your Own Shit<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOwn your own shit\u201d is a phrase that like using I statements\ncan be perverted into a stick to beat people with. Y\u2019all do know that\u2019d be a\nspectacular way to break Rule Three to use this on people that way, right?  Good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Owning your own shit is really recognizing several things:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It means knowing that your past has probably taught you\ncoping mechanisms that aren\u2019t very loving. \nCheck for them.  Root them out as\nbest you can.  You won\u2019t entirely.  It\u2019s a life-long project.  Ever noticed how old people always go on\nabout being mellow and kind and letting things go when talking about\ninterpersonal relationships?  That\u2019s\nbecause we\u2019ve learned these things (albeit imperfectly) as we\u2019ve plowed through\nenough time and relationships, ourselves. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But perfecting your character and your treatment of other people\nis an excellent project \u2013 one that will serve you well in all relationships,\nnot just poly. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, owning your own shit means you have to be able to\nidentify your own shit, and not other people\u2019s. \nThis brings us neatly to\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Have good boundaries<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I wrote a really long article on boundarie<\/a>s when I reanimated this blog from PolyFamilies to its present version \u2013 The Polyamorous Misanthrope.  You can read it if you like, but boundaries are simple enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Boundaries are what is in your locus of control.  What do you choose to do?  What behaviors will you choose to interact\nwith and what behaviors will you walk away from?  What are you responsible for, and what isn\u2019t\nreally your responsibility or problem?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, here\u2019s a boundaries example.  You\u2019re at a fancy dinner, and the hostess is\npassing around a dish of asparagus.  You\nloathe asparagus to the bottom of your being and do not want to eat any.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWould you care for some asparagus?\u201d asked the hostess.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You reply, \u201cNo, thank you,\u201d and you pass the dish on to the\nguest on your left.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s boundaries in a nutshell.  You didn\u2019t like something, you said no, and\nyou passed on it.  Good boundaries.  Interestingly enough, good manners.  It\u2019s amazing how often the two coincide.  (As an aside, it would be bad manners and bad\nboundaries to press someone to eat something they\u2019ve refused)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is, of course, simplistic and ignores the personal\nbaggage that we often bring to relationships. \nInterestingly enough, good boundaries does sometimes mean doing\nthis.  Kindness and love may require\nexploration.  (Why do you feel unloved\nwhen I say no to your asparagus surprise? \nI love you, and I love your cooking. \nCan we talk about this?)  But,\nthat loving discussion actually can\u2019t happen until the boundary is bumped up\nagainst.  So, boundaries are crucial when\nit comes to loving effectively.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I encourage you to practice these five simple and\nunbreakable rules in all your relationships, not just your poly ones.  Besides, I don\u2019t want to have to kick anyone\nout of the Poly Club, now do I?* <\/p>\n\n\n\n

____<\/p>\n\n\n\n

* Note to the humor-impaired, no, I do not have the authority\nto do so and I know it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Okay, mah poly children.  Grandmama Java (my granddaughter was born Monday) wants to roll it back to some basics for making polyamory work.  If you practice these five rules, you will have great relationships, and you will find that things work better for you.  One caveat.  It will not fix someone else breaking these rules,…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1096","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-polyamory-101"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1096","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1096"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1096\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1138,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1096\/revisions\/1138"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1096"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1096"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1096"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}