{"id":1098,"date":"2019-07-12T21:38:19","date_gmt":"2019-07-12T21:38:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/?p=1098"},"modified":"2019-07-12T23:06:27","modified_gmt":"2019-07-12T23:06:27","slug":"maybe-youre-an-asshole","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/2019\/07\/12\/maybe-youre-an-asshole\/","title":{"rendered":"Maybe You’re an Asshole"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Once again, I\u2019ve gotten a flood of letters that seem to be on a specific theme.  Been married awhile, guy announces he\u2019s polyamorous, then\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, emotionally and\/or physically disappears.  Doesn\u2019t hang out with the kids, insists the wife entertains other loves because That\u2019s How Polyamory is Done (reality check: it isn\u2019t), starts screwing up the family budget, neglects responsibilities at home\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then I get a letter asking how to handle this.  Amazingly enough, I don\u2019t get letters telling\nme polyamory is horrible and how can I promote it.  I totally wouldn\u2019t blame them if I did, mind.  Because\u2026 wow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I won\u2019t get into the No True Scotsman fallacy.  Imma go ahead and own them as part of the polyamory community, much as I prefer not to.  Maybe these guys really are polyamorous.  Maybe not.  I can tell you for damn sure what they are \u2013 assholes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So here\u2019s the deal, guys. \nYeah, I\u2019m talking to you.  Own up\nto your life and what you want. You\u2019re bored and want the fun and excitement of\nthe new love and are sick of the household stuff?  You\u2019re tired of boring ole wifey being such a\ndrag?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You can leave.  Yeah,\nit\u2019ll be expensive. Yeah, divorce court can be a nightmare. I get that. Yeah,\nchild support is really gonna cramp your style.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But what you\u2019re doing completely sucks.  See, you\u2019re expecting all the comforts of the role of a wife* without giving anything back.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now if you scream back, \u201cBut, but, but I love<\/em> my wife!\u201d then blasted well act<\/em> like it.  I\u2019m not saying you have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, but get a backbone!  Presumably, you love this person.  Work it out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know there are cultures where the mistress is for fun and the wife for duty and social structure.  This isn\u2019t what polyamory is about, my dears.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Please understand that I get that the dailyness of married\nlife can get dull as hell. Between the jobs and the kids and the bills and what\nhave you, boy does your other love look awfully shiny. (FWIW, this is not a\nhigh horse.  I\u2019ve done these things\nmyself and it\u2019s more or less why I feel comfortable comin\u2019 down like Mjollnir\non a Chitauri about it).  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you love and value the human being that is your spouse,\nfor pity\u2019s sake behave like it.  Show\nthem how you value them.  Even better,\nask them what makes them feel valued (we often can get this one wrong) and then\ndo that thing.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This isn\u2019t going to take away from enjoying the new love.  I mean, if things work out well, new loves\nbecome old loves over time.  You don\u2019t\nwant to get into the cycle of new and shiny. \nWell\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unless you\u2019re an asshole.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

* Yes, we’ve seen women do versions of this as well. This one is at the guys who’ve been moving away from traditional relationships, ‘kay?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Once again, I\u2019ve gotten a flood of letters that seem to be on a specific theme.  Been married awhile, guy announces he\u2019s polyamorous, then\u2026 Well, emotionally and\/or physically disappears.  Doesn\u2019t hang out with the kids, insists the wife entertains other loves because That\u2019s How Polyamory is Done (reality check: it isn\u2019t), starts screwing up the…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[12],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1098","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-rant"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1098","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1098"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1098\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1117,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1098\/revisions\/1117"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1098"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1098"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1098"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}