{"id":1115,"date":"2015-01-27T11:25:00","date_gmt":"2015-01-27T11:25:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/?p=1115"},"modified":"2019-07-15T15:57:10","modified_gmt":"2019-07-15T15:57:10","slug":"just-a-curiosity","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/2015\/01\/27\/just-a-curiosity\/","title":{"rendered":"Just a Curiosity"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I need some help. I am new to the world of poly, in fact I would go as far as saying it\u2019s just a curiosity. But I have kind of put myself in an awkward situation now. <\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

I have a boyfriend whom I love very much. We have been together for just over 6 months. Everything about our relationship is pretty great. We are very honest and open with one another and I’m very comfortable around him, he’s very respectful and the sex life is GREAT. I should be happy with just that, right? <\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

But then there’s this other guy… A mutual friend of of a friend. And there’s just something about him that I needed to pursue. I can’t shake it. <\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

I spent a lot of time thinking about if I really did want to be with my current boyfriend if I was having these feelings. I didn’t tell him about it, it’s the first time I’ve ever hidden anything from him. I decided I would go hang out as just friends with the second guy (stupid, I know) and it went wayyyy beyond just friendship. I slept with him and now I feel like I have cheated on the both of them. I am overcome with guilt about it, I feel like I am lying to both of them (at this point, I’m not sure if the second guy even knows I am in a relationship, but its posted on facebook for him to see so I think he does) <\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

My problem is, I have asked for advice. Looked online. Everywhere and everyone says “compare and pick the best suitor” or something along those lines. And after all the mental lists. A physical pros and cons list. Many best friend conversations. I am left with the realization that I want both of them. They both have wonderful things to offer that I just can’t do without anymore and I can’t pick just one. I just don’t know how to communicate this to them without losing both of them in the process. I am a strong believer that monogamy is NOT human nature and it has been placed on us by religion and social conditioning, but only a small percentage of people think that way. How do I go about discussing this with either of my partners? <\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Sincerely, <\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Guilty&ConfusedX2<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Just a curiosity? What the hell is wrong with you? People\u2019s\nhearts and emotions are on the line and you call it \u201cJust a curiosity?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sorry, had to get that out of my system before I could\nrespond more calmly. I even deleted and re-wrote it three times before I\ndecided to leave it in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you slept with someone and you\u2019re in a relationship with\nsomeone else who has an expectation of monogamy, YES YOU CHEATED<\/em><\/strong>!  You need to own that and sit with it a while.\n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Do you understand that the people you are sleeping with are human beings with thoughts, feelings, and emotions?  \u2018Cause in reading this letter, I am getting the terrible sense that you\u2019re not thinking in those terms.  I mean, if you\u2019re wondering whether not someone you\u2019re having sex with<\/em> knows whether or not you\u2019ve got a boyfriend, you\u2019re not communicating with these people as if they\u2019re people.  You\u2019re not communicating at all.  You need to start that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You owe<\/strong> both of\nthese people a conversation.  Oh, very\nyes, tell them you want to be involved with both of them, if that\u2019s what you\nwant. I\u2019m all for<\/em> asking for what you\nwant.  You could get insanely lucky.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But holy crap, do you have some work to do. You\u2019re going<\/strong> to be working from an area of negative trust and the only honest way forward is to state simply and honestly that yes, you cheated, yes, you\u2019re sorry (if you are).  Then you can go on to tell them that you really do want a relationship with both of them and you understand that you did not communicate fully and honestly from the git-go. Tell them that you are going to do your level best to correct that mistake going forward. Nope, there\u2019s no way around it or manipulation that\u2019s going to get you out of it or their reaction. You\u2019re going to have to take your lumps on this one, and never refrain from communicating as honestly and as fully as you can manage ever again. It\u2019s entirely possible that you\u2019ll be forgiven, that the guys will both want to be in a relationship with you and you\u2019ll repair the broken trust.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not that I\u2019d count on it, mind.  Having this conversation is risking losing\nboth of them, and you still need to have it if you have any hope in the world\nof being successful in polyamory. \nPolyamory requires courage and integrity.*<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Are you up for it?  I\nthink you could be. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

___________<\/p>\n\n\n\n

* Okay, so does being a decent human being, and I hope you\u2019d\nchoose courage and integrity, polyamory or not.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I need some help. I am new to the world of poly, in fact I would go as far as saying it\u2019s just a curiosity. But I have kind of put myself in an awkward situation now. I have a boyfriend whom I love very much. We have been together for just over 6 months….<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,3,12],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1115","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-ask-the-misanthrope","category-boundaries","category-rant"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1115","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1115"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1115\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1141,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1115\/revisions\/1141"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1115"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1115"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1115"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}