{"id":1128,"date":"2018-12-15T10:00:43","date_gmt":"2018-12-15T10:00:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/?p=1128"},"modified":"2019-07-15T15:50:59","modified_gmt":"2019-07-15T15:50:59","slug":"ask-be-truthful-verify","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/2018\/12\/15\/ask-be-truthful-verify\/","title":{"rendered":"Ask, Be Truthful, Verify"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\"><figure class=\"aligncenter\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"190\" height=\"266\" src=\"http:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/07\/Askbetruthful.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-1129\"\/><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p>You\nknow how assumptions about what the other person is feeling can be a problem?\nThe Prince and I have had some of the worst negative emotional escalations\nbecause we were reacting to perceived emotional states rather than actual ones.\nI mean <strong>really bad<\/strong>.&nbsp; Potentially relationship-ending bad.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We made a deal about ten years ago:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If we think the other is feeling A Thing, we ask before we\nreact.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We mustn\u2019t lie about it when asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We mustn\u2019t say anything like, \u201cWell can\u2019t you TELL?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Nope. We have to answer and answer honestly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This has been enjoyable in our relationship. It not only\nhelps us communicate better and get to know each other much <strong>much<\/strong> better (if you think after twenty\nyears there\u2019s nothing to discover about a person, you\u2019re thinking wrong). It\nhas had the added benefit of emotional clarity when A Feeling might have nothing\nin the world to do with the partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This morning is a great example. Our coffee station is next\nto our fridge. Usually, The Prince makes the coffee and I make breakfast. He\nwas making coffee and I came into the kitchen scowling and letting my breath out\nin a slow hiss.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cAre you upset because I am in the way?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cNo,\u201d I said. \u201cI didn\u2019t see you as in the way. I was making\nan Annoyed Noise because I realized I\u2019d forgotten to take a package of bacon\nout the freezer and we don\u2019t have enough bacon thawed for breakfast. I was\ntrying to decide what to make. The hiss was because I was irritated with myself\nand the scowly face was me thinking about what to make.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If he had (as he might have fifteen years ago) reacted to\nthe hiss with, \u201cLook I\u2019m just trying to make <em>your<\/em> coffee!\u201d I probably wouldn\u2019t have been emotionally mature\nenough not to slam back with something equally as snotty about him making\neverything <strong>about him<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Ask, verify, be truthful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s awesome and a great way to do an end-run around\nneedless arguments.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>You know how assumptions about what the other person is feeling can be a problem? The Prince and I have had some of the worst negative emotional escalations because we were reacting to perceived emotional states rather than actual ones. I mean really bad.&nbsp; Potentially relationship-ending bad. We made a deal about ten years ago:&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1128","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-communication","category-relationships"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1128","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1128"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1128\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1130,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1128\/revisions\/1130"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1128"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1128"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1128"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}