{"id":17,"date":"2004-04-01T09:14:14","date_gmt":"2004-04-01T14:14:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/?p=17"},"modified":"2004-04-01T09:14:14","modified_gmt":"2004-04-01T14:14:14","slug":"the-poly-negotiator","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/2004\/04\/01\/the-poly-negotiator\/","title":{"rendered":"The Poly Negotiator"},"content":{"rendered":"

Originally posted on<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0http:\/\/www.polyfamilies.com\/misanthrope200405.html<\/em><\/p>\n

In my interactions with the online poly community, one of \t\t\t\t\t\tthe phrases I often \t\t\t\t\t\t hear is, “Oh it would be \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t selfish \t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em> \t\t\t\t\t\t of me to ask for X. \u00a0 I can’t do \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t that \t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em> \t\t\t\t\t\t !”<\/p>\n

My first reaction is often an eyeroll. \u00a0 My own philosophy is such that I do not consider the concept of selfishness a great evil — or evil at all. \u00a0 In fact, the contortions people go through to prevent themselves from being or being seen as selfish often cause more trouble than true callous self-centeredness actually would. \u00a0 This is not to say that I recommend that you be callously self-centered. \u00a0 No, no, no. \u00a0 I am all about love and being loving. \u00a0 Really. \u00a0 I’m just not very fluffy bunny about it.<\/p>\n

But selfish? Honestly, I think the poly community could do \t\t\t\t\t\twith a little more \t\t\t\t\t\t selfishness. \u00a0 Before you run off and insist on your own way \t\t\t\t\t\tand cite this \t\t\t\t\t\t article as your excuse, though, please finish this article \t\t\t\t\t\tso I can explain \t\t\t\t\t\t what I mean. \u00a0 If I find out you’ve shoved something down \t\t\t\t\t\tsomeone’s throat \t\t\t\t\t\t citing me or my word as an excuse, You Shall Incur the \t\t\t\t\t\tWrath of the Goddess of \t\t\t\t\t\t Java.<\/p>\n

One of the biggest problems I see is that people do not ask \t\t\t\t\t\tfor what they want. \t\t\t\t\t\t Now, I am picking my words with extreme care, here. \u00a0 I \t\t\t\t\t\tdid not say “demand” \t\t\t\t\t\t “insist” or any of the other of a long string of words that \t\t\t\t\t\timply a high \t\t\t\t\t\t emotive connection to getting what you want, or strong \t\t\t\t\t\tnegative consequences if \t\t\t\t\t\t you don’t. \u00a0 I said and \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t meant \t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em> \t\t\t\t\t\t “ask”.<\/p>\n

Asking means you’re open to being told “no”. \u00a0 It means \t\t\t\t\t\tyou’re open to analyzing \t\t\t\t\t\t the essence of what you do want so that you and the person \t\t\t\t\t\tyou are asking can \t\t\t\t\t\t come to an agreement that, in business jargon, is a win\/win \t\t\t\t\t\tsituation.<\/p>\n

I mean, come on, if you’re poly and you’re asking for \t\t\t\t\t\tsomething in a \t\t\t\t\t\t relationship, you love the person, right? One of the \t\t\t\t\t\tthings you really do want \t\t\t\t\t\t is for the partner to be happy and satisfied, too. \u00a0 (If it \t\t\t\t\t\tisn’t on your list \t\t\t\t\t\t of wants, I would question whether or not that is a loving \t\t\t\t\t\trelationship).<\/p>\n

With that in mind, let’s approach a \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t classic \t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em> \t\t\t\t\t\t poly situation.<\/p>\n

Hepzibah and Albert are married. \u00a0 Albert is also dating \t\t\t\t\t\tMegan. \u00a0 Now Megan knows \t\t\t\t\t\t that she is a secondary, and because of this is insecure \t\t\t\t\t\tabout asking for too \t\t\t\t\t\t much. \u00a0 So, even though she wants to spend more time with \t\t\t\t\t\tAlbert, she doesn’t \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t ask \t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em> \t\t\t\t\t\t out of fear of it being too much to ask for and perhaps \t\t\t\t\t\tannoying Hepzibah to \t\t\t\t\t\t the point of wanting to ask Albert to discontinue the \t\t\t\t\t\trelationship.<\/p>\n

While it does take a fair amount of guts, one thing Megan \t\t\t\t\t\tcan do is quite \t\t\t\t\t\t simply \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t ask \t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em> \t\t\t\t\t\t for the time anyway. \u00a0 She can ask that they all sit down \t\t\t\t\t\ttogether to discuss \t\t\t\t\t\t the matter, and then say something along the lines of, “I \t\t\t\t\t\twould enjoy it very \t\t\t\t\t\t much if I could spend a couple of nights a week with \t\t\t\t\t\tAlbert. \u00a0 Could we discuss \t\t\t\t\t\t some sort of schedule?”<\/p>\n

Now, what if Hepzibah is not really cool with Albert being \t\t\t\t\t\taway two nights a \t\t\t\t\t\t week. \u00a0 They both have jobs and children and other \t\t\t\t\t\tcommitments in their lives. \u00a0 \t\t\t\t\t\t Here’s a point where Hepzibah needs to express her \t\t\t\t\t\tconcerns. \u00a0 “Megan, I know \t\t\t\t\t\t you want to see him, and I don’t blame you. \u00a0But here’s the \t\t\t\t\t\tdeal. \u00a0 I’m in night \t\t\t\t\t\t school and on the nights I am at home, I’m studying while \t\t\t\t\t\tAlbert takes care of \t\t\t\t\t\t the kids. \u00a0 Would you be okay with a grown up date night, \t\t\t\t\t\twhere things can be \t\t\t\t\t\t completely kidless, and then another evening where you guys \t\t\t\t\t\thang out around \t\t\t\t\t\t here, look after the kids and still spend some time \t\t\t\t\t\ttogether so I can get some \t\t\t\t\t\t studying done? To be honest, that’s still leaving me with \t\t\t\t\t\tlittle kidless time \t\t\t\t\t\t with Albert myself, but I can deal with that until I get my \t\t\t\t\t\tdegree next \t\t\t\t\t\t semester. \u00a0 After my degree is done, I really am going to \t\t\t\t\t\twant more time to \t\t\t\t\t\t reconnect with him.”<\/p>\n

Notice that both Hepzibah and Megan are quite clear on what \t\t\t\t\t\tthey want and why. \u00a0 \t\t\t\t\t\t It is absolutely futile to enter into negotiations until \t\t\t\t\t\tyou do know, what you \t\t\t\t\t\t want, why you want it and how much of what you want will \t\t\t\t\t\tsatisfy you.<\/p>\n

Albert probably has his own needs and wants at this point, \t\t\t\t\t\ttoo. \u00a0 “Hepzibah, \t\t\t\t\t\t actually, I am \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t not \t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em> \t\t\t\t\t\t cool with us never getting any alone time. \u00a0 I feel like \t\t\t\t\t\teight months is longer \t\t\t\t\t\t than I want to go without keeping up with our connection. \u00a0 \t\t\t\t\t\tI know school is \t\t\t\t\t\t overwhelming, but I think things will go more smoothly if \t\t\t\t\t\twe do devote some \t\t\t\t\t\t time to each other, too. \u00a0 Megan, would you be okay with a \t\t\t\t\t\tdate night for you \t\t\t\t\t\t and I and then maybe babysitting the kids another night \t\t\t\t\t\twhile Hepzibah and I go \t\t\t\t\t\t out?”<\/p>\n

Notice here, everyone’s immediate wants are a little \t\t\t\t\t\tdifferent. \u00a0 Notice also, \t\t\t\t\t\t that they are being very clear about what they \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t really \t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em> \t\t\t\t\t\t want and are not getting caught up and fixated on what \t\t\t\t\t\tthey think will \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t give \t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em> \t\t\t\t\t\t them what they want. \u00a0 Megan wants more time. \u00a0 She doesn’t \t\t\t\t\t\tfixate on specific \t\t\t\t\t\t days of the week when what she really wants is more time. \u00a0 \t\t\t\t\t\tHepzibah wants time \t\t\t\t\t\t to study without having to keep an ear out for the kids. \u00a0 \t\t\t\t\t\tAlbert wants to spend \t\t\t\t\t\t more time with Hepzibah.<\/p>\n

They all offer solutions, you notice. \u00a0 Now there is a \t\t\t\t\t\tdifference between \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t offering \t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em> \t\t\t\t\t\t a solution and having an attachment to it. \u00a0 For this sort \t\t\t\t\t\tof thing, you need to \t\t\t\t\t\t offer and release attachment. \u00a0 If Albert, Hepzibah and \t\t\t\t\t\tMegan keep on being \t\t\t\t\t\t selfish, really \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t into \t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em> \t\t\t\t\t\t and clearly understanding what they want, as well as being \t\t\t\t\t\tcareful to \t\t\t\t\t\t communicate it well, they’ll do fine in their relationships.<\/p>\n

It’s a bad idea not to ask for what you want.<\/p>\n

It’s a worse idea not to take the time to find out what it \t\t\t\t\t\tis that you \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t really \t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em> \t\t\t\t\t\t want. \u00a0 If you haven’t analyzed this, it is impossible to \t\t\t\t\t\task for it. \u00a0 Take the \t\t\t\t\t\t time to know the essence of what it is you truly want. \u00a0 You \t\t\t\t\t\tabsolutely must do \t\t\t\t\t\t this before negotiations are going to work. \u00a0 This is not to \t\t\t\t\t\tsay that sometimes, \t\t\t\t\t\t in the middle of talking, you realize you hadn’t had as \t\t\t\t\t\tclear a handle on the \t\t\t\t\t\t essence of what you wanted as you thought. \u00a0 That’s okay. \u00a0 \t\t\t\t\t\tIt can happen. \u00a0 (I’ve \t\t\t\t\t\t had it happen to me in some amazingly entertaining ways!) \t\t\t\t\t\tMake sure when you \t\t\t\t\t\t get these little moments that you \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t say so \t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em> \t\t\t\t\t\t . \u00a0 The people that came up with Communicate, Communicate, \t\t\t\t\t\tCommunicate as the \t\t\t\t\t\t Polyamory Mantra were smart people. \u00a0 Pay attention to that.<\/p>\n

And maybe, after a few years of the Poly Training Ground, \t\t\t\t\t\tyou’ll make a great \t\t\t\t\t\t living as a mediator or negotiator. \u00a0 <snicker><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Originally posted on \u00a0http:\/\/www.polyfamilies.com\/misanthrope200405.html In my interactions with the online poly community, one of the phrases I often hear is, “Oh it would be selfish of me to ask for X. \u00a0 I can’t do that !” My first reaction is often an eyeroll. \u00a0 My own philosophy is such that I do not consider…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-17","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-communication"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=17"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=17"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=17"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=17"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}