Have you been considering polyamory?\u00a0 Wondering where you want to go with your relationships?\u00a0 Do you wonder if you’re really ready to take the leap?<\/p>\n
If you’re wondering, that’s good.\u00a0 It means you’re thinking.\u00a0 Mama Java approves<\/em> of thinking about things clearly.\u00a0 When you get to thinking, you’ll need to start asking yourself some searching questions.\u00a0 Nope, these aren’t questions you want to ask a partner, if you have one.\u00a0 Though I really, really hope your partners will ask these questions of themselves.<\/p>\n 1. <\/strong>Am I willing to acknowledge I am not a mind-reader?<\/strong><\/p>\n One of the distressing things I often notice in relationships is that we’re often just sure<\/em> we know what the other person is thinking.\u00a0 Whenever you catch yourself thinking you can read minds, stop.\u00a0 Put it aside until you can ask.\u00a0 Then act on what you’re told.<\/p>\n This has a twofold benefit.\u00a0 The first is that you’re training yourself to stop putting your own thoughts and feelings on other people.\u00a0 The second is that if you act on what you’re told, you’ll find that you’ll be told the truth more often.\u00a0 If you act on “mindreading” you’ll find that you often won’t <\/em>encourage people to communicate with you because it’ll feel pointless.\u00a0 If what one says doesn’t matter, often one becomes disinclined to speak.<\/p>\n 2. <\/strong>Am I willing to speak up about my wants?<\/strong><\/p>\n I’ve talked a lot about asking for what you want.\u00a0 This is different from insisting on having your way, mind.\u00a0 Yes, sometimes you will be told “no”.\u00a0 But I promise not always.\u00a0 Give your partners the opportunity to say “yes”.<\/p>\n In the past year, I’ve been making my living as a freelancer.\u00a0 One of the more interesting things about the profession is that I’ve learned not to take “no” all that damn personally.\u00a0 To make money when you’re marketing yourself, you’re kind of playing the numbers.\u00a0 The attitude that “no” isn’t really a big hairy deal has spilled over into relationships.\u00a0 I know it sounds goofy, but I’ve found that my ego just isn’t tied into whether or not someone wants to do what I want.\u00a0 Sometimes, it’s something I can blow off with no big deal, and yeah, sometimes it’s as much of a dealbreaker as someone not wanting to pay me what my time is worth professionally.\u00a0 But in either case, I don’t take it personally.\u00a0 I’m allowed to ask, and the other person is allowed to say “no”.<\/p>\n 3. <\/strong>Am I willing to admit my crystal ball is really just a lump of silicon?<\/strong><\/p>\n If you ever find yourself getting into fortunetelling, STOPPIT<\/em><\/strong>.\u00a0 This is a relationship-killer, I don’t give a damn if you’re talking about a romantic relationship, your relationship with your kids, your friends or your boss.\u00a0 Just… don’t go there.<\/p>\n 4. <\/strong>Do I feel if whatever activity going on isn’t the “best” then it’s really worthless?<\/strong><\/p>\n Falling into the comparison trap is a real, real bad idea.\u00a0 Whether it’s that you’re seeking perfection for yourself or thinking you have to be the Perfect One for someone else, it’s not conducive to a good poly relationship either way.<\/p>\n If you can’t get away from that just yet, you’re not really in a position where polyamory is going to be making you very happy.<\/p>\n 5. <\/strong>Do I pull out my driver’s license or look in the mirror when asking myself, “Now just who got me into this mess?”<\/strong><\/p>\n Thou Art God, friends.\u00a0 If you’re not willing to accept that your choices are your responsibility, you’re not ready for romantic relationships at all.\u00a0\u00a0 Wrap your mind around that first.<\/p>\n