{"id":22,"date":"2004-08-15T07:59:14","date_gmt":"2004-08-15T12:59:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/?p=22"},"modified":"2004-08-15T07:59:14","modified_gmt":"2004-08-15T12:59:14","slug":"if-it-aint-about-love","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/2004\/08\/15\/if-it-aint-about-love\/","title":{"rendered":"If It Ain\u2019t About Love"},"content":{"rendered":"

Originally posted on <\/em><\/p>\n

http:\/\/www.polyfamilies.com\/misanthrope200400815.html
\n<\/em><\/p>\n

Peeve time, and this is a big one.<\/p>\n

I get sucked into drama really easily. I’m an intense person and all the gods \t\t\t\t\tknow that I am a sucker for almost any type of intensity – good and bad.<\/p>\n

A personal Poly Drama got me talking to one of my spice recently. As we were \t\t\t\t\ttalking, he sighed and said, “I don’t really consider myself poly.”<\/p>\n

At this point, I looked at him like he had three heads. I mean, he lives in a \t\t\t\t\tgroup marriage, for goodness sake!<\/p>\n

“I don’t get it. You’re in love with two women. I \t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\tknow \t\t\t\t\t<\/em> \t\t\t\t\t you are,” I said. After all, one of those women was me and I know he’s in \t\t\t\t\tlove with our wife.<\/p>\n

He shrugged. “Yes, I am. But I’m not poly. Polyamory isn’t about love that \t\t\t\t\tI’ve been able to see. It’s all about playacting and drama.”<\/p>\n

This cut me up short and hard. God, I soo wanted to protest… “No! No! No! Darling, it is too <\/em> about the love. It’s all <\/em> about the love. You’re just not seeing it because you’re isolated from the community, you won’t hang out <\/em> with poly people enough. You’re just getting the bitching at home!”<\/p>\n

However, there something about this husband that makes it really hard to \t\t\t\t\tbullshit yourself when you’re talking to him. Oh you can scream and rail and \t\t\t\t\tcall him names and call him a blind idiot, but it’s a waste of time. It’s \t\t\t\t\tbetter to shut up and think a minute. ‘Cause no, he’s not \t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\talways \t\t\t\t\t<\/em> \t\t\t\t\t right. You do have to think. However, he is a damned intuitive man. So, I \t\t\t\t\tshut up and thought about what I was feeling in the moment of my own Personal \t\t\t\t\tPoly Drama. The whole situation on all parts was not coming from a place of \t\t\t\t\tlove, I can tell you, and this particular poly situation is so common that if \t\t\t\t\tsomeone posted it to a discussion list it would get an eyeroll for being \t\t\t\t\tboring. I’ve seen it and its various permutations at least once a week for the \t\t\t\t\tpast eight years.<\/p>\n

I realized something.<\/p>\n

Polyamory is supposed to be about love, but my husband was right. Tragically, \t\t\t\t\tfar more often than not, it is not. In my watching the poly community over the \t\t\t\t\tlast eight years or so, I see a truly appalling lack of \t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\tlove \t\t\t\t\t<\/strong> \t\t\t\t\t. In my own life… God, oh God, it is worse. There are days when I marvel at \t\t\t\t\tthe complete gall I am showing in having anything to do with the poly \t\t\t\t\tcommunity, much less write any articles about relationships. I make so many \t\t\t\t\tfoolish, blind, unloving mistakes in my relationships it’s not even funny. Oh, \t\t\t\t\tthe NRE crap? Got that down pat. Sure do. It’s fun and I’m not running it \t\t\t\t\tdown. It has its place, honest.<\/p>\n

Don’t leave out the real thing.<\/p>\n

If it ain’t about the love of \t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\tall \t\t\t\t\t<\/em> \t\t\t\t\t your relationships at the core of it, it’s not worth it. Really, it isn’t.<\/p>\n

So what do I mean by love?<\/p>\n

While I am not a Christian, but when speaking on the nature and power of love, \t\t\t\t\tI really think this passage is simply brilliant:<\/p>\n

\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\tIf I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am \t\t\t\t\ta noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2And if I have prophetic powers, and \t\t\t\t\tunderstand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to \t\t\t\t\tremove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3If I give away all my \t\t\t\t\tpossessions, and if I hand over my body to be burned but do not have love, I \t\t\t\t\tgain nothing.<\/p>\n

\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t4 Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant \t\t\t\t\t5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; \t\t\t\t\t6it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. 7It bears all \t\t\t\t\tthings, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.<\/p>\n

\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t8 Love never fails. But as for prophecies, they will come to an end; as for \t\t\t\t\ttongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end. 9For we \t\t\t\t\tknow only in part, and we prophesy only in part; 10but when the complete comes, \t\t\t\t\tthe partial will come to an end. 11When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I \t\t\t\t\tthought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an \t\t\t\t\tend to childish ways. 12For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see \t\t\t\t\tface to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have \t\t\t\t\tbeen fully known. 13And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the \t\t\t\t\tgreatest of these is love.<\/p>\n

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\t\t\t\t\t\t1 Corinthians 13<\/p>\n

\t\t\t\t\tI’m not about fluffybunny here. The cosmic muffin nonsense that some people \t\t\t\t\tpass off as this universal love crap without following through gets to me. It \t\t\t\t\tcheapens the work, worth and power of what love really is. Don’t listen to \t\t\t\t\twords. Watch actions. Okay, just for the record though, I don’t want any of \t\t\t\t\tyou guys quoting this article and saying, “See, see, I got hurt, so that’s \t\t\t\t\tproof you don’t \t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\tlove \t\t\t\t\t<\/strong> \t\t\t\t\t me!” Mama Java, she don’t like it when people twist her words. People can \t\t\t\t\tfuck up, be blind, be human, be faulty and still be loving. It’s whether or \t\t\t\t\tnot you keep on trying, ‘kay? That’s the essence of a lot of what I am talking \t\t\t\t\tabout. Do you get back up and keep trying when you fall short of your own \t\t\t\t\tideals? Do you accept that your loves are going to fall short of their own \t\t\t\t\tideals, and give them the opportunity to keep trying? So many poly people get \t\t\t\t\ton their high horses about love. Frankly, the general run of us win no damned \t\t\t\t\tprizes in the demonstration of love department. We’re about on par with \t\t\t\t\tmonogamous folks. That’s okay, mind. We’re human. But let’s step down off \t\t\t\t\tthe damned high horse, ‘kay? We look like bloody hypocrites, and it’s got to \t\t\t\t\tstop.<\/p>\n

I wanna go over in detail a bit of this Bible passage (any of you former \t\t\t\t\tSouthern Baptists out there havin’ flashbacks yet? LOL). I want it very clear \t\t\t\t\tthat I do not claim for one second, by the way, to fulfill all these goals. \t\t\t\t\tThey’re goals in becoming a more loving human being. I am not there by a long \t\t\t\t\tshot.<\/p>\n