{"id":238,"date":"2008-11-24T00:00:54","date_gmt":"2008-11-24T04:00:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/?p=238"},"modified":"2008-11-24T00:00:54","modified_gmt":"2008-11-24T04:00:54","slug":"enemies-and-allies","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/2008\/11\/24\/enemies-and-allies\/","title":{"rendered":"Enemies and Allies"},"content":{"rendered":"

This guest column was written by Edward Martin, III.
\n<\/em><\/p>\n

A lot of people seem to have a lot of trouble talking with their partners. Now, sometimes, I \u00a0can understand this. Some topics are embarrassing, or awkward or uncomfortable. Some topics are even potentially dangerous to the relationship. So, yeah, talking with partners can be tricky.<\/p>\n

And it\u2019s not like talking with strangers, either. You don\u2019t have momentum with strangers. You first meet someone and if they ask you what you\u2019re into, you can TELL them \u201cI only REALLY like sex when you\u2019re dressed as a clown and I\u2019m your little trick puppy.\u201d Hell, you might just get it. But somehow, when you\u2019ve got a partner of a couple years, it suddenly becomes a lot harder to talk with them about uncomfortable, embarrassing, awkward, or even dicey topics.<\/p>\n

A lot of people relate this problem, and for a lot of them \u2013 especially if they come from a restrictive sexuality mindset \u2013 there\u2019s a dynamic in place that actually CONTIBUTES to this difficulty.<\/p>\n

This dynamic is combat.<\/p>\n

It sounds funny and silly and childish when I put it that way, which is, of course, accurate. A lot of people who don\u2019t have their heads screwed on straight approach difficulties with their partners as if it\u2019s some kind of combat, as if they are entering the battlefield and they\u2019ve got to make sure they have a Full Tactical Dossier on the other person, and be fully girded against attacks and be ready to unleash Nuclear Fuckup if need be and, and, and…<\/p>\n

And that\u2019s where they make the first mistake.<\/p>\n

Your partner is not your enemy.<\/p>\n

Seems simple on the face of it, so I\u2019m going to type it again, because if feels so damn good.<\/p>\n

Your partner is not your enemy.<\/p>\n

Your enemy is probably a disagreement or a misunderstanding or a fear or a worry or that asshole next door who can\u2019t stop glaring at your customers when they come over and freaking them out. But it\u2019s not your partner.<\/p>\n

Your partner is not your enemy.<\/p>\n

Your partner is your ally.<\/p>\n

So, go ahead and think about that awkward topic, that difficult subject, that tricky proposition. Yes, it\u2019s awkward, difficult, or tricky, and yes, you probably have all kinds of issues surrounding whether or not you even want to talk about it, but on the list of six billion people available on the planet, there\u2019s at least ONE you absolutely KNOW is your ally and that\u2019s your partner. Treat them that way. Approach them as an ally, ask them to help you find a solution to this, offer your services as well (after all, you definitely haz got your mad skilz). Together, you will find a solution, and your partner will be keenly interested in helping, because…<\/p>\n

Your partner is not your enemy.<\/p>\n

And, of course, conversely, you had best be remembering the same thing. When your partner comes to you with a problem, a tricky, awkward bit of a problem, you are being engaged as an ally. Act like it. Your partner needs you. Maybe whatever the problem was involves you, too, and you would like a little of that \u201cnot your enemy\u201d love right back. You\u2019re gonna have to wait, because they asked you first, so it\u2019s your turn to wear the Big Boy pants (even if you\u2019re a girl, unless you\u2019re a girl from Innsmouth, in which case you wear the Big Thing Fishnets), and be their ally and help solve the problem.<\/p>\n

Afterward, chances are, you\u2019ll discover you don\u2019t HAVE your own problem anymore (helping partners sometimes produces this effect \u2013 deal with it, because resentment helps no one you love), but even if you do, you can always ask for help.<\/p>\n

Know why?<\/p>\n

Because your partner\u2019s not your enemy.<\/p>\n

They\u2019re your ally.<\/p>\n

Stick that on the fridge.<\/p>\n

Enemies and Allies<\/strong> \u00a9 2008, Edward Martin, III<\/p>\n

Used by permission<\/p>\n

All Rights Reserved<\/p>\n

Edward Martin III’s a writer and filmmaker living in the Pacific Northwest.Other essays and reflections of his can be found at http:\/\/www.petting-zoo.org\/NonFiction.html<\/a> and his movies can be found at http:\/\/www.guerrilla-productions.org\/<\/a>he also does these<\/p>\n

animations: http:\/\/www.petting-zoo.org\/Hardcore.html<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This guest column was written by Edward Martin, III. A lot of people seem to have a lot of trouble talking with their partners. Now, sometimes, I \u00a0can understand this. Some topics are embarrassing, or awkward or uncomfortable. Some topics are even potentially dangerous to the relationship. So, yeah, talking with partners can be tricky….<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-238","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-guest-column"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/238","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=238"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/238\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=238"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=238"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=238"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}