I mentioned in last week’s column that there are legitimate reasons why one might want to keep one’s romantic life quite private.\u00a0\u00a0 A poly person in the military or any other profession where witchhunts for sexual deviance are likely is probably either gonna want to change careers and be out or keep her mouth shut about it.<\/p>\n
I have stated before that I think it’s safer for the poly family to make sure they live somewhere where nothing they’re doing is illegal and to be “out”1<\/sup>.\u00a0 I stand by that.\u00a0 Notice, I say that I think it’s safer.\u00a0 Not more moral.\u00a0 Not more noble.\u00a0 Not “better”.\u00a0 I personally think that transparency is safer in the long run.<\/p>\n But, ya know, that’s easy for me to say.\u00a0 It really is.\u00a0 My financial status is enhanced by being a weirdo and being quirky.\u00a0 I have no exes who would care to try to draw me into a lawsuit or custody battle.\u00a0 I’m not important enough to “go after”. I’ve made some very specific and solid choices in my life to ensure that this is so.\u00a0 Now, if we have A<\/em> <\/a>Handmaid’s Tale<\/a> <\/em>style government takeover, I will be considerably less safe and I know it. But given our present circumstances, I’ve made choices that make it pretty safe for me to be a weirdo publicly.<\/p>\n Those choices aren’t noble.\u00a0 I think that’s really what I want to get across.\u00a0 They’re just choices with a price just like any other choice people make.\u00a0 Other people might choose not to be out about poly. Those choices are just as valid and no less noble that one’s choice to be out.<\/p>\n I remember many years ago there was a big discussion on one of the larger internet polyamory discussion groups where people who found being “out” valuable were commenting with some self-pride that they <\/em>could never date someone who wasn’t “out”.\u00a0 Know what?\u00a0 I’d be unlikely to, as well.\u00a0 That doesn’t make me a better person.\u00a0 It was the undercurrent of virtue that got to me at the time, the idea that one might have compelling reasons not to be out was an inferior way to live.\u00a0 That it was somehow hypocritical.\u00a0 I don’t think it’s necessarily hypocritical to keep quiet about one’s love life.<\/p>\n Now, if you make a career out of chasing down and punishing alternative lifestylers, but you, yourself are a practitioner, I’ve neither sympathy nor mercy towards you.\u00a0 If you’re participating in punishing people for being poly and you’re poly yourself, and if I find out about it, I won’t keep my mouth shut.<\/p>\n But that’s not what I’m talking about when I say that choosing not to be out can be a very valid choice.<\/p>\n I’m talking about the elementary school teacher, the people that don’t want to sacrifice other parts of their lives that they value to be poly.\u00a0 I’m talking about people who don’t want to be activists.\u00a0 You don’t owe the world activism.\u00a0\u00a0 I don’t flatter myself that I’m sticking my neck out for you.\u00a0 ‘Cause frankly, my neck is in no damn danger and I lack the necessary arrogance to give myself airs that it is.\u00a0 You people who are activists, don’t be trying to put the claim on the people you’re ostensibly trying to serve, either!<\/p>\n You own you, each of you, and you own your choices.\u00a0 Don’t let anyone try to guilt you into doing something different.<\/p>\n If you’re on the fence, though, about whether or not to be out, examine it.\u00a0 Why do you want to?\u00a0 What do you hope to gain?\u00a0 What might you lose?\u00a0 Face up to it and make your own choice.\u00a0 Then you can feel good about what you’ve done because you’ve made the choice with your eyes wide open.\u00a0 I made the choice to be out mostly ’cause I’m chicken.\u00a0 I felt like being transparent was safer for me. But you might not feel that’s the best way for you and your relationships to go.<\/p>\n My father used to tell me “There’s a price for everything.”\u00a0\u00a0 It’s true.\u00a0 In or out, there is a price attached.\u00a0 The important thing is to think clearly, don’t evade the fact that no matter what you choose, you’re gonna have that price attached and do it with a clear understanding.\u00a0 When you do that, you will face up to the ups and downs of being poly a lot better.<\/p>\n 1<\/sup>Being “out” and “waving the poly flag” are two entirely different things. If you’re out there freakin’ the ‘danes, stop being a show-off and a jerk. You look like an idiot.\u00a0 Says the woman who has been an idiot before.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I mentioned in last week’s column that there are legitimate reasons why one might want to keep one’s romantic life quite private.\u00a0\u00a0 A poly person in the military or any other profession where witchhunts for sexual deviance are likely is probably either gonna want to change careers and be out or keep her mouth shut…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,15],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-260","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-boundaries","category-the-polyamory-community"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/260","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=260"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/260\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=260"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=260"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=260"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n