{"id":28,"date":"2004-11-13T13:16:55","date_gmt":"2004-11-13T18:16:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/?p=28"},"modified":"2004-11-13T13:16:55","modified_gmt":"2004-11-13T18:16:55","slug":"cluebat","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/2004\/11\/13\/cluebat\/","title":{"rendered":"Cluebat!"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><em>Originally published at  <\/em><\/p>\n<p><em> http:\/\/www.polyfamilies.com\/misanthrope20041113.html<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Mama Java, she said that if  \t\t\t\t\t<strong> \t\t\t\t\t\tone \t\t\t\t\t<\/strong> \t\t\t\t\t more person wrote her bragged about getting a score of ten on the  \t\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/www.polyfamilies.com\/polyquiz.html\">Group Marriage Quiz<\/a> \t\t\t\t\t, she was gonna rant about it in her column.<\/p>\n<p>Well, one more person did, darn it.<\/p>\n<p>No, I&#8217;m not going to rip anyone apart with sarcasm. Well, not much anyway.          Hey, I <strong> did <\/strong> refrain from titling the column &#8220;You&#8217;re all Fucking          Idiots!&#8221;, right? Oh&#8230; no credit for that. Ah well, life goes on.<\/p>\n<p>While I don&#8217;t want to rip anyone up for their reaction to the quiz, I do want \t\t\t\t\tto discuss it because the implications disturb me a bit.  First and foremost, \t\t\t\t\tthe quiz is a  \t\t\t\t\t<strong> \t\t\t\t\t\tjoke \t\t\t\t\t<\/strong> \t\t\t\t\t, people!   My wife and I wrote it to amuse ourselves and be totally absurd one \t\t\t\t\tafternoon when we had gotten a little too punchy.  We thought it was obvious it \t\t\t\t\twas a joke and have been astonished over the past four years how often people \t\t\t\t\thave taken the quiz seriously.<\/p>\n<p>A low score is not a good test of your relationships skills. Many of          the first choices are extremely passive, many are either aggressive or          passive aggressive and there are few examples of true assertive communication          in the whole quiz. Many of the questions don&#8217;t have a truly assertive          answer.<\/p>\n<p>So,, little poly chilluns, today we&#8217;re going to focus a little on communication          styles.<\/p>\n<p>First, is passive communication.  I hardly call this communication at all \t\t\t\t\tbecause you&#8217;re not speaking  \t\t\t\t\t<strong> \t\t\t\t\t\tup \t\t\t\t\t<\/strong> \t\t\t\t\t.  In passive communication, there is a tendency to put other people before \t\t\t\t\tyourself, or let others make decisions for you.  The problem with this is that \t\t\t\t\tyou&#8217;re not going to get your wants\/needs met except occasionally by accident.  \t\t\t\t\tIt screws with your self-esteem, and often encourages depression.  Examples of \t\t\t\t\tthe passive style of communication from the  \t\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/www.polyfamilies.com\/polyquiz.html\">Group Marriage Quiz<\/a> \t\t\t\t\t include:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li> \t\t\t\t\t\tRe: Sandwich preference: I have a preference for mayo or mustard.  \t\t\t\t\t\t<em> \t\t\t\t\t\t\tIn the example, not you did not  \t\t\t\t\t\t\t<strong> \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tsay \t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/strong> \t\t\t\t\t\t\t so \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em> \t\t\t\t\t\t.<\/li>\n<li> \t\t\t\t\t\tRe:  The spouse that is a reteller: Smile quietly to yourself and entertain \t\t\t\t\t\tyourself by trying to spot changes in the story that make it more dramatic than \t\t\t\t\t\tthe last time.    \t\t\t\t\t\t<em> \t\t\t\t\t\t\tYou&#8217;re not expressing that you really don&#8217;t  \t\t\t\t\t\t\t<strong> \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tlike \t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/strong> \t\t\t\t\t\t\t retelling \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em><\/li>\n<li> \t\t\t\t\t\tRe: Cooking dinner when you don&#8217;t want to: Cook anyway.   Everyone has to do \t\t\t\t\t\tthings they don&#8217;t like to from time to time, and it&#8217;s important for everyone to \t\t\t\t\t\tpull his own weight.  \t\t\t\t\t\t<em> \t\t\t\t\t\t\tYou&#8217;re not expressing your wants\/needs \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em><\/li>\n<li> \t\t\t\t\t\tRe: Watching Austin Powers: Tolerate it.   You get to be with your spice, and \t\t\t\t\t\tit&#8217;s family time, after all.   \t\t\t\t\t\t<em> \t\t\t\t\t\t\tYou&#8217;re not expressing that you don&#8217;t like the movie.  It&#8217;s not that tolerating \t\t\t\t\t\t\tsomething you don&#8217;t like is a bad thing, mind.  It&#8217;s not expressing your \t\t\t\t\t\t\twants\/needs that is often counter-productive. \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Next, let&#8217;s take a look at aggressive communication.  Sometimes it is confused \t\t\t\t\twith assertiveness, which it is not.  Aggressive communication has a sense of \t\t\t\t\tblame or sense of manipulation that true assertive communication does not have. \t\t\t\t\t In aggressive communication, you&#8217;re getting your wants\/needs met at the \t\t\t\t\texpense of others.  It&#8217;s a good way to lose relationships, as people don&#8217;t like \t\t\t\t\tto stick around people who aren&#8217;t willing to negotiate.  If you&#8217;re being \t\t\t\t\taggressive, it is not unusual that you&#8217;ll feel weak or taken advantage of \t\t\t\t\tinternally, &#8217;cause you&#8217;re on your guard so much.  It can create a cycle of \t\t\t\t\thostility: Examples of the aggressive style of communication from the  \t\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/www.polyfamilies.com\/polyquiz.html\">Group Marriage Quiz<\/a> \t\t\t\t\t include:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li> Re: Spouse being called into work unexpectedly: Demand to know why            this spouse is always the one being called in to work, insist that the            spouse not show, blatantly state that the spouse being passive aggressive            and really doesn&#8217;t want to spend time with the rest of the family, then            cancel the outing and spend the entire day fussing at your other spice            for the working one&#8217;s behavior. If they really loved you and considered            the family important, they would have joined you in insisting that the            working spouse stay home. <em> Notice there is blame and accusation as            well as demands that your wants\/needs be met without being willing to            discuss the wants\/needs of the others. <\/em><\/li>\n<li> \t\t\t\t\t\tRe: The scratch on the car: Call the spouse an idiot, insist that said spouse \t\t\t\t\t\tget a part time job to afford to have the entire car repainted and refuse to \t\t\t\t\t\tallow your spouse within fifty feet of the car.   \t\t\t\t\t\t<em> \t\t\t\t\t\t\tAgain, aggressive.  The tone is accusatory, and you&#8217;re demanding a certain form \t\t\t\t\t\t\tof behavior and trying to intimidate the person into doing as you want. \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em><\/li>\n<li> \t\t\t\t\t\tRe: The Reteller: Demand to know if said spouse is capable of saying anything \t\t\t\t\t\toriginal.   Start keeping a database of each instance in which a story is \t\t\t\t\t\tretold and present the tabluated results to your spouse on a regular basis with \t\t\t\t\t\tdemands of why you married such an idiot.  \t\t\t\t\t\t<em> \t\t\t\t\t\t\tAgain, you&#8217;re demanding, accusing and trying to intimidate into getting the \t\t\t\t\t\t\tbehavior you want. \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>So. Passive-aggressive..<\/p>\n<p>This is probably one of the bigger relationship bogeymen &#8212; mostly because it \t\t\t\t\tcombines the worst of the passive and the aggressive.  It&#8217;s not unusual to be \t\t\t\t\tpassive and stuff your feelings &#8217;till you blow, taking your anger out on \t\t\t\t\tyourself or others.  It&#8217;ll screw with your self-esteem, and really screws with \t\t\t\t\tlearning communication skills.  This is a hard one because it&#8217;s probably one of \t\t\t\t\tthe more difficult ones to face in yourself &#8212; well, at least  \t\t\t\t\t<strong> \t\t\t\t\t\tI \t\t\t\t\t<\/strong> \t\t\t\t\t find it hard to face, because it seems so manipulative and weak to me.  I \t\t\t\t\tdon&#8217;t like to look at myself that way at all&#8230;  However, facing what  \t\t\t\t\t<strong> \t\t\t\t\t\tis \t\t\t\t\t<\/strong> \t\t\t\t\t and avoiding self-blame is a good start to changing what you don&#8217;t like, right? \t\t\t\t\t Examples of the passive-aggressive style of communication from the  \t\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/www.polyfamilies.com\/polyquiz.html\">Group Marriage Quiz<\/a> \t\t\t\t\t include:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li> \t\t\t\t\t\tRe: The Sandwich: I have a preference for mayo or mustard and will go hungry \t\t\t\t\t\trather than eat the wrong spread.  \t\t\t\t\t\t<em> \t\t\t\t\t\t\tThis is a guilt tactic, which is often a sign that passive-aggressive \t\t\t\t\t\t\tcommunication is at work.  Notice you aren&#8217;t  \t\t\t\t\t\t\t<strong> \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tsaying \t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/strong> \t\t\t\t\t\t\t that you have a strong preference, and that in going hungry, there&#8217;s a good \t\t\t\t\t\t\tchance that someone around you is going to feel bad about it. \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em><\/li>\n<li> \t\t\t\t\t\tRe: The lack of towels in the bathroom: Note that you happen to be sleeping \t\t\t\t\t\twith the person who is most likely to commit a Towel Offense, re-wash your \t\t\t\t\t\thands in very COLD water, neglect to shake off excess drops and climb into bed \t\t\t\t\t\tbeing sure to put your hands in a sensitive but non-erogenous spot.   When the \t\t\t\t\t\tspouse awakes, give sarcastic thanks for hanging up the towel. \t\t\t\t\t\t<em> \t\t\t\t\t\t\tSarcasm is a hallmark of passive-aggressive communication.  Notice also the \t\t\t\t\t\t\tattempt to cause discomfort.  Punishing is also often a passive-aggressive \t\t\t\t\t\t\ttechnique. \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em><\/li>\n<li> Re: Spouse being called in to work: Demand to know why this spouse            is always the one being called in to work, insinuate without quite saying            so that the spouse is being passive aggressive and really doesn&#8217;t want            to spend time with the rest of the family, then go on the outing and            sulk the entire time. <em> Sulking is another punishing behavior. This            one earns several passive-aggressive points because of the indirect            communication involved combined with other behaviors! <\/em><\/li>\n<li> \t\t\t\t\t\tIn the answers section:  If you scored: 10 &#8212; I can only assume you are a John \t\t\t\t\t\tNorman fan and aspire to be a Kajira. Email me.   I might have a position for \t\t\t\t\t\tyou.   \t\t\t\t\t\t<em> \t\t\t\t\t\t\tThis is extremely passive-aggressive. It&#8217;s a subtle insult (a kajira is a slave \t\t\t\t\t\t\tin the Gor stories, and is supposed to be passive and obedient in her behavior \t\t\t\t\t\t\t&#8212; something that is not desirable in a non-BDSM 24\/7 relationship).  It&#8217;s also \t\t\t\t\t\t\ta trap to encourage the person without all the information to contact me \t\t\t\t\t\t\twithout giving all the information, thereby increasing the possibility of \t\t\t\t\t\t\tpunishing behavior when it gets explained.  Hey, I write about my faults, too&#8230; \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>So, what with all the stuff that is  \t\t\t\t\t<strong> \t\t\t\t\t\tnot \t\t\t\t\t<\/strong> \t\t\t\t\t productive communication, what  \t\t\t\t\t<strong> \t\t\t\t\t\tis \t\t\t\t\t<\/strong> \t\t\t\t\t?   How about trying assertiveness?   In assertive communication you are honest \t\t\t\t\tand direct about what you want, while not blaming.  You state how you see the \t\t\t\t\tsituation, and how you feel about is and  \t\t\t\t\t<strong> \t\t\t\t\t\task \t\t\t\t\t<\/strong> \t\t\t\t\t for what you want\/need.   \t\t\t\t\t<strong> \t\t\t\t\t\tAsk \t\t\t\t\t<\/strong> \t\t\t\t\t, not demand and not insist!  You will respect the rights and feelings of \t\t\t\t\tothers, and it will have a positive effect on most relationships.  (Now, if the \t\t\t\t\tother person is not willing to join you in assertive communication, it might be \t\t\t\t\tproductive to examine whether or not the relationship really works for you!).  \t\t\t\t\tExamples of the assertive style of communication (yes, there are a couple) from \t\t\t\t\tthe  \t\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/www.polyfamilies.com\/polyquiz.html\">Group Marriage Quiz<\/a> \t\t\t\t\t include:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li> \t\t\t\t\t\tRe: Sleeping arrangements:  Politely ask that the sleeping arrangements be \t\t\t\t\t\treconsidered.   \t\t\t\t\t\t<em> \t\t\t\t\t\t\tYou&#8217;re asking for what you want.  Now, ideally, explaining how you feel is a \t\t\t\t\t\t\tgood idea here, but this is assertive.  You&#8217;re paying attention to your \t\t\t\t\t\t\twants\/needs and speaking up in a way that shows you&#8217;re willing to negotiate, \t\t\t\t\t\t\twhile trying to be polite to minimize hurt feelings. \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em><\/li>\n<li> \t\t\t\t\t\tRe: Cooking Dinner: Ask if anyone is willing to be sous-chef and help out.   \t\t\t\t\t\tDinner will be done faster and won&#8217;t be as much work.  \t\t\t\t\t\t<em> \t\t\t\t\t\t\tWe&#8217;ll presume for this example you don&#8217;t want to cook dinner because it&#8217;s \t\t\t\t\t\t\tfeeling overwhelming.  You  \t\t\t\t\t\t\t<strong> \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\task \t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/strong> \t\t\t\t\t\t\t for what you want\/need (help). \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em><\/li>\n<li> \t\t\t\t\t\tRe: Spice spending too much time on the Internet: Ask for a specific time \t\t\t\t\t\tlimit.   You want to spend time with your spice.   \t\t\t\t\t\t<em> \t\t\t\t\t\t\tYou want to spend more time with your spice.  You recognize that they want to \t\t\t\t\t\t\tspend time online, so you&#8217;re consider the rights\/wants\/feelings of the other \t\t\t\t\t\t\tperson, so you  \t\t\t\t\t\t\t<strong> \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\task \t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/strong> \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>A lot of people have trouble with assertive communication because they don&#8217;t \t\t\t\t\twant to take the risk. You  \t\t\t\t\t<strong> \t\t\t\t\t\tdo \t\t\t\t\t<\/strong> \t\t\t\t\t risk being told no from time to time.   You&#8217;re  \t\t\t\t\t<strong> \t\t\t\t\t\tnot \t\t\t\t\t<\/strong> \t\t\t\t\t always going to get what you want.  But, by using assertive communication, you \t\t\t\t\twill not only increase the chances of getting what you want\/need, you will also \t\t\t\t\tbe promoting closeness by minimizing the chances of resentment, anger, upset \t\t\t\t\tand hostility.  No-one is perfectly assertive all the time (goodness knows I am \t\t\t\t\tnot), but it&#8217;s a good skill to practice to promote good relationships!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Originally published at http:\/\/www.polyfamilies.com\/misanthrope20041113.html Mama Java, she said that if one more person wrote her bragged about getting a score of ten on the Group Marriage Quiz , she was gonna rant about it in her column. Well, one more person did, darn it. No, I&#8217;m not going to rip anyone apart with sarcasm. Well,&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-28","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-communication","category-relationships"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=28"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=28"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=28"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=28"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}