{"id":343,"date":"2009-08-25T09:22:19","date_gmt":"2009-08-25T13:22:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/?p=343"},"modified":"2009-08-25T09:22:19","modified_gmt":"2009-08-25T13:22:19","slug":"i-thought-we-were-poly","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/2009\/08\/25\/i-thought-we-were-poly\/","title":{"rendered":"I Thought We Were POLY"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Polyamory is about love and intimacy, right?\u00a0 So poly people are the lovingest, mostest intimate cuddlemuffins out there.\u00a0 If you find someone wants to keep the slightest bit of themselves to themselves, they\u2019re not really poly.\u00a0 People that need space cannot <em>possibly<\/em> be polyamorous.\u00a0 They\u2019re sneaky monsters with an agenda to torture the poor loving cuddlemuffins.<\/p>\n<p>Okay, I can\u2019t go on with this without laughing so hard I burn my sinuses with hot coffee.<\/p>\n<p>Love certainly does have an intimate component.\u00a0 You\u2019re not going to be able to have a loving relationship without a strong degree of intimate communication and interaction.\u00a0 Cranky misanthrope I might be, but even I know you can\u2019t love in a box.\u00a0 It\u2019s a two-way street, and you really do have to open yourself up to give and receive love.\u00a0 But sometimes you&#8217;ll object to a behavior only to hear, &#8220;But I thought we were <em>poly<\/em>!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>The problem comes in when people confuse loving intimacy with stomping on personal boundaries.\u00a0 \u00a0Intimacy is closeness, but look out for some warning signs that say that what you\u2019re experiencing is a boundary violation rather than intimacy:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Emotional Blackmail<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<blockquote><p>Emotional blackmail is use of negative emotions, especially guilt, to control behavior.<\/p>\n<p>You probably won\u2019t notice it the <em>first<\/em> time you experience it.<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019ll be approached, possibly hesitantly, and your love will say that something you did or didn\u2019t do hurt.\u00a0 You\u2019ll feel bad and try to correct your behavior.\u00a0 Now, ya know, in good relationships, sometimes you <em>do<\/em> screw up.\u00a0 It happens!\u00a0 You get called on it, and will get an explanation about how to avoid it in the future.\u00a0 That\u2019s not emotional blackmail.\u00a0 That\u2019s <em>human<\/em>.\u00a0 Don\u2019t chalk every single time someone doesn\u2019t like your behavior up to emotional blackmail.\u00a0 We\u2019re none of us perfect.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019ll be the second or third time within a relatively short period when you notice that it\u2019s emotional blackmail.\u00a0 You\u2019ll experience strong attempts to make you feel guilty.\u00a0 They might even work, if you don\u2019t have a clear vision of good boundaries in place.<\/p>\n<p>Luckily, you are in control of this.\u00a0 Take the time to make sure you have a good sense of what you\u2019re okay with, how <em>you<\/em> want to behave and the person <em>you<\/em> want to be.\u00a0 When you\u2019re solid and grounded in yourself and your own sense of who you want to be, it\u2019s a lot harder to use guilt to manipulate you.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Creeping Concessions<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<blockquote><p>You know old <a href=\"http:\/\/www.snopes.com\/critters\/wild\/frogboil.asp\">canard<\/a> that if you put a frog in a pan of cool water, then gradually heat it, the frog will not notice when the temperature rises to a dangerous degree and will boil to death?<\/p>\n<p>While the literal story is false, the moral of the story has a point.\u00a0 You can agree to one small concession, right?\u00a0 That\u2019s okay.\u00a0 Now if that small concession is treated as a precedent rather than a single exception,<a href=\"#_ftn1\">[1]<\/a> someone who is ignoring boundaries is likely to ask for another oh, so small concession that\u2019ll become a precedent, until you\u2019ve found you conceded way the devil more than you ever intended.<\/p>\n<p>You can\u2019t blame this one on the <em>other<\/em> person, though.\u00a0 You\u2019re responsible for your own boundaries.\u00a0 You\u2019re in control of this one.\u00a0 If you give a concession, be clear whether it\u2019s a precedent or a one-time deal!\u00a0 You\u2019re responsible for communicating your intention, so you can handle this pretty easily when you get into the habit.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Confusing intimacy with intrusiveness<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<blockquote><p>Intimacy is voluntary.\u00a0 Intrusiveness involves a demand, sometimes combined with emotional blackmail.\u00a0 You get to decide what you\u2019re okay with sharing or not.\u00a0 The other person doesn\u2019t.\u00a0 Sure certain sorts of info can be dealbreakers,<a href=\"#_ftn2\">[2]<\/a> but the person who owns the info is the person who gets to make the final call on this.<\/p>\n<p>Do you get frequent calls at work?\u00a0 Do you find when you are not in the person\u2019s physical presence that you get contacted more than you want?\u00a0 If you\u2019re on vacation, are you called more often than you\u2019d like, interrupting your free time<a href=\"#_ftn3\">[3]<\/a>?<\/p>\n<p>If you object to these things, do you get a tearful reproach about love and poly?\u00a0 Remember, even poly people are allowed to set boundaries about how they want to spend their time.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Attempts to tell you how you are allowed to live<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<blockquote><p>If you\u2019re poly, ever had a new love tell you that you needed to change how you associate with an old love?\u00a0 Big time boundary violation.\u00a0 \u00a0There are many others to choose from, but keep in mind that just because you have a romantic relationship with someone doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re allowed to tell them what to do<a href=\"#_ftn4\">[4]<\/a>.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>Good relationships require good boundaries, no matter what the relationship form.\u00a0\u00a0 Far from separating loves from each other, a respect for a person\u2019s individuality and free choice is a wonderful way to promote loving relationships \u2013even with yourself.\u00a0 \u00a0You\u2019ll find that a careful respect of the other person\u2019s free choice causes you to treasure the unique individuality of that person, allowing for even greater opportunities for love.<\/p>\n<hr size=\"1\" \/><a href=\"#_ftnref1\">[1]<\/a> But you <em>agreed<\/em> you had to bow to the North in respect for our relationship before you got in bed with your other partner, <em>last<\/em> time!<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#_ftnref2\">[2]<\/a> Not wishing to share STD history leaps to mind.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#_ftnref3\">[3]<\/a> Notice the \u201cmore than you want to\u201d caveat.\u00a0 You wanna spend your life on the phone with a love who isn\u2019t physically present, enjoy.\u00a0 Free choice and all.\u00a0 This is about what you WANT.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#_ftnref4\">[4]<\/a> As an aside and slightly off topic, I\u2019ve often found it amusing and confusing that sleeping with someone is perceived in our culture as granting the other person rights over you.\u00a0 You see it in sitcoms, where once a girl is sleeping with her love, she gets to \u201cstraighten him out\u201d and reorder his life.\u00a0 The plot usually presents this as a good thing.\u00a0 I think it stinks.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Polyamory is about love and intimacy, right?\u00a0 So poly people are the lovingest, mostest intimate cuddlemuffins out there.\u00a0 If you find someone wants to keep the slightest bit of themselves to themselves, they\u2019re not really poly.\u00a0 People that need space cannot possibly be polyamorous.\u00a0 They\u2019re sneaky monsters with an agenda to torture the poor loving&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,4,10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-343","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-boundaries","category-communication","category-polyamory-101"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/343","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=343"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/343\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=343"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=343"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=343"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}