{"id":380,"date":"2010-02-08T08:00:28","date_gmt":"2010-02-08T12:00:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/?p=380"},"modified":"2010-02-08T08:00:28","modified_gmt":"2010-02-08T12:00:28","slug":"weve-done-it-now-let-me-fix-your-life","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/2010\/02\/08\/weve-done-it-now-let-me-fix-your-life\/","title":{"rendered":"We’ve Done It, Now Let Me Fix Your Life"},"content":{"rendered":"

There’s a popular situation in sitcoms and romantic comedies. \u00a0There’ll be this couple — one of them[1]<\/a> being presented as having their life a bit out of order. \u00a0The couple sleeps together, and then the more together partner starts getting the other person’s life in order for them.<\/p>\n

I’ve never been too happy with this one. \u00a0The implication is that sleeping with someone means you’ve rights over them. \u00a0I don’t care if you’re monogamous or polyamorous, this one is obnoxious!<\/p>\n

Just because you\u2019re sleeping with someone doesn\u2019t mean you can:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Try to become their band manager.<\/strong><\/li>\n

    When I speak of trying to become their band manager, I mean that as a kind of blanket euphemism for trying to manage any point in their professional lives.\u00a0 It\u2019s just that the classic example of this is the girl starting to date a musician and then wanting to manage the guy\u2019s band.<\/p>\n

    Yes, when you get into relationships, you do want to entwine your lives.\u00a0 I get that. \u00a0But wait to be asked.<\/p>\n

  2. Manage old, long-term relationships for them.<\/strong><\/li>\n

    This part may seem poly-specific, but it\u2019s not.\u00a0 For monogamous examples, think of dating someone and then trying to help them manage their relationships with their parents \u2013 either trying to reconcile or defending the person against them.<\/p>\n

    In polyamorous situations, for goodness sakes, don\u2019t try to help someone with his problems with long-term relationships!\u00a0 I\u2019m not encouraging you to be heartless, but if you haven\u2019t known someone for more than five years, chances are slim that you have the whole picture.\u00a0 If you\u2019re dealing with new and shiny, you can\u2019t possibly have all the facts to give good enough advice.<\/p>\n

  3. Get them to make a Life Change.<\/strong><\/li>\n

    It\u2019s one thing to want someone you love to Be All That They Can Be.\u00a0 It\u2019s quite another to immediately start encouraging them to go back to school, make a career change, blah, blah, blah.\u00a0 This is especially true when you start offering to help with applications, business forms or whatever.\u00a0 Don\u2019t.\u00a0 Just don\u2019t.\u00a0 It\u2019s fine to listen and find out what the other person wants, but sleeping with them doesn\u2019t give you a right to manage that sort of thing for them.<\/p>\n

    I get that you might think they’re in a Relationship That’s Bad for Them. \u00a0Might even be true. \u00a0Even so, wait to be asked. \u00a0Seriously.<\/ol>\n

    When you are in a relationship, you have these rights:<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. You may ask for what you want.<\/strong><\/li>\n

      No, you don\u2019t get rights over another person\u2019s time.\u00a0 You do<\/em> get to ask for what you want, and in fact if you want a good relationship, you\u2019ll do exactly that.<\/p>\n

    2. You may set boundaries<\/strong>.<\/li>\n

      I\u2019m not going to go into a big lecture about boundaries.\u00a0 A lot of my columns talk about them.\u00a0 Click here<\/a> for a series.\u00a0 The basic takeaway is that a boundary is about what behavior you\u2019ll accept to be in a relationship.\u00a0 But, it doesn\u2019t tell the other person how to behave.\u00a0 Yes, that\u2019s subtle, and I spend thousands of words analyzing the difference in other columns.<\/ol>\n

      The point here is that I think that translating some very, very wrong<\/strong> monogamous norms into polyamorous situations really has the potential for a lot of wacky hijinks that might be fun to watch on a comedy of errors.<\/p>\n

      But, dear oh Lord, you wouldn’t wanna live ’em.<\/p>\n

      [1]<\/a> Usually the male.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      There’s a popular situation in sitcoms and romantic comedies. \u00a0There’ll be this couple — one of them[1] being presented as having their life a bit out of order. \u00a0The couple sleeps together, and then the more together partner starts getting the other person’s life in order for them. I’ve never been too happy with this…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,10,13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-380","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-boundaries","category-polyamory-101","category-relationships"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/380","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=380"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/380\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=380"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=380"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=380"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}