This letter is an edited highlights version \u2013 just for clarity\u2019s sake:<\/p>\n
I am attracted to the idea of polyamory for the spiritual implications, perhaps even more so than the physical ones. I feel it can help us to grow more as people, and can elevate and expand our love and oneness to new heights.<\/em><\/p>\n
All that being said… I am confused and I need help!!<\/em><\/p>\n
So, first thing is… I have tried to break up with my boyfriend, we’ll call him “Steve”, a few times throughout the course of our relationship, mostly from feeling smothered, wanting independence space and freedom– not for any lack of love towards him. (More clues to my natural poly tendency…) Most recently, about… 3 weeks ago, I was feeling stunted, claustrophobic, and like I needed to regain my wholeness. Basically, I kicked him out of my place. He was paying a little more than a quarter of the rent, and I felt I had a right to, since I was the original renter and paying the greater portion of the rent. This threw him for quite a loop, understandably. I may have acted a little rashly… When the move was over, and I had finally collected myself– I came out with what I really wanted: openness. It was a very natural discussion, and he very naturally agreed that it would be a fun and interesting thing to try out. Great! Exciting! Only thing is… he was still pretty pissed at me for kicking him out.<\/em><\/p>\n
Next matter is… I’m really into his best friend, we’ll call him “Bob”. Bob and I actually dated for a little while before I even met Steve. I know he likes me, but I think he is unsure of whether “going there” with me would create a lot of drama. Bob HATES drama!<\/em><\/p>\n
As far as I know, in my circle of friends I am the first to state that I am “open”. What if I scare everyone away?<\/em><\/p>\n
I would greatly appreciate your help and support for a young, budding polyamorist! Thank you!<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
*gently lays the Stick of Grandmotherly Kindness slightly out of impulsive reach*<\/p>\n
Cupcake,\u00a0 you need to sit down and get your head on straight before you have a hope in the world of any relationship working out.\u00a0 You\u2019re zipping around making impulsive decisions that affect people around \u00a0you in really basic and profound ways.<\/p>\n
Knowing what you really want is great.\u00a0 You want openness and can ask for it.\u00a0 That\u2019s all cool.\u00a0 Thing is, now you\u2019ve got a problem with Steve, and it\u2019s huge. \u00a0See, in kicking him out of his home, you\u2019ve hit him at a deep and basic level \u2013 a need for physical security.\u00a0 He\u2019s naturally going to find trusting you hard at this point.\u00a0 If you want a relationship with him you\u2019re going to need to rebuild trust.\u00a0 This is going to take more than holding hands in a circle and getting your Kum-ba-ya-yas out.<\/p>\n
As far as being interested in his friend, I\u2019ve seen this go a few ways.\u00a0 When I was (probably) younger than you are, I did get involved with a close friend of my then fianc\u00e9 (now husband).\u00a0 We were romantically involved for a few years, and know what?\u00a0 Twenty years on , we\u2019re still friends and deeply value each other.\u00a0 But I sure as hell didn\u2019t start that relationship before I\u2019d established a pretty decent and strong relationship with my other partner.[1]<\/a> I mean, we were<\/em> gettin\u2019 married and all.\u00a0 You ain\u2019t there yet, m\u2019dear.\u00a0 Steve\u2019s \u00a0still reeling from being tossed out on his ear.\u00a0 Being poly and involved with a couple of close friends needs a major amount of trust building, and as far as the emotional bank account is concerned, you\u2019re in the hole.<\/p>\n
Is rebuilding trust possible?\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Thankfully.\u00a0 But it takes time, patience and a hearty whack of humility and self-examination.<\/p>\n
As far as not scaring people away for being poly?\u00a0 You won\u2019t.\u00a0\u00a0 If you\u2019re scaring people away, it\u2019ll be about being crazy, not about being poly.\u00a0 Sane, stable people are remarkably chill about sane, stable polys.\u00a0\u00a0 If you and your friends aren\u2019t sane and stable, ya\u2019ll need to be working on that first, anyway.<\/p>\n
As far as the spiritual aspects?\u00a0 I\u2019m afraid you have probably come knocking on the wrong door with that one.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think polyamory makes<\/em> you more loving.\u00a0 I\u2019ve seen about the same percentage of selfish, insensitive jerks and the same percentage of kindly, tender loving people in the poly community as the monogamous community.\u00a0 I expect people just act like people, and that\u2019s really what it boils down to.<\/p>\n
I hope this isn\u2019t too much of a downer or anything, but as a takeaway, trust can be built by being consistently trustworthy, Poly relationships can and do work best if the people in them know themselves and are honest with themselves and their partners, and it really can be awesome if you can be<\/em> the best person you can be.<\/p>\n
Good luck!<\/p>\n
Mama Java<\/p>\n
[1]<\/a> This is not to imply that I have not pulled any Stupid Relationship Tricks.\u00a0 I have.\u00a0 Sweet Baby Jesus, have I ever!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"This letter is an edited highlights version \u2013 just for clarity\u2019s sake: I am attracted to the idea of polyamory for the spiritual implications, perhaps even more so than the physical ones. I feel it can help us to grow more as people, and can elevate and expand our love and oneness to new heights….<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-414","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-ask-the-misanthrope","category-polyamory-101"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/414","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=414"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/414\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=414"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=414"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=414"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}