{"id":434,"date":"2010-08-18T13:38:27","date_gmt":"2010-08-18T17:38:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/?p=434"},"modified":"2010-08-18T13:38:27","modified_gmt":"2010-08-18T17:38:27","slug":"handling-jealousy-how-to-fuck-up","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/2010\/08\/18\/handling-jealousy-how-to-fuck-up\/","title":{"rendered":"Handling Jealousy: How to Fuck Up"},"content":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve been seeing more than the usual amount of discussion about jealousy on various poly boards lately, so I figure this might be a little topical to people.\u00a0\u00a0 I have pulled out of the air the Definitive[1]<\/a> Five-Point List of Ways to Fuck Up Handling Jealousy.\u00a0 I am sharing this because I am wise and all knowing about polyamory and I will deign to share my knowledge with you, puny mortal.[2]<\/a><\/p>\n

1. <\/strong>Blame your partner<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cHey, I wouldn\u2019t be feeling<\/em> jealous if my partner were doing things right, right?\u00a0 If only she weren\u2019t making<\/em> me feel insecure, everything would be dandy!\u201d<\/p>\n

Making your partner responsible for your feelings is a sure way to mess up a relationship.\u00a0 There is a significant difference in, \u201cI don\u2019t like X behavior\u201d and \u201cYou\u2019re making me feel jealous.\u201d\u00a0 If you don\u2019t grok this difference down in your bones, learning about emotional boundaries is a really productive thing you can do for yourself and your relationships.\u00a0\u00a0 It is not unusual for jealousy to be about personal insecurity.<\/p>\n

As Franklin Veaux once commented, \u201cJust because I feel bad doesn\u2019t mean you did something wrong.\u201d\u00a0 Don\u2019t assume that your feelings prove anything but that you\u2019re feeling something.<\/p>\n

2. <\/strong>Blame the partner\u2019s partner<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cIf only my partner\u2019s partner would not make<\/em> me feel insecure, I wouldn\u2019t be so uncomfortable, right?\u201d\u00a0 (See a pattern?)<\/p>\n

Again, feeling bad on your part doesn\u2019t necessarily<\/em> mean malfeasance on the other person\u2019s part.\u00a0 People aren\u2019t saints, but assumptions don\u2019t help.<\/p>\n

3. <\/strong>Blame yourself<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cIf only I were more secure\/better looking\/better in bed\/more evolved I wouldn\u2019t feel so upset.\u201d<\/p>\n

Feelings might be uncomfortable sometimes, but they\u2019re not necessarily because you<\/em> did something bad, <\/em>either.\u00a0 Jealousy isn\u2019t always<\/em> about personal insecurity.\u00a0 Sometimes there really is, no kidding, a problem among the partners.<\/p>\n

I break with some of the more New Age polyamorous writers, in that I do not feel that jealousy is always<\/em> some sort of weird emotional aberration of the spiritually unevolved.\u00a0\u00a0 It can and often is a personal security issue, but sometimes partners do take us for granted, or are not giving us what we all agreed upon.\u00a0 It\u2019s okay to talk about that.<\/p>\n

4. <\/strong>Lie about it<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the matter, honey?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t do this.\u00a0 In a good relationship, it\u2019s okay to say, \u201cActually, I\u2019m feeling kinda jealous right now.\u00a0 I want to: examine this by myself and get back to you\/talk with you about how I\u2019m feeling\/have a backrub so I can relax.\u201d<\/p>\n

Notice this isn\u2019t making your partner responsible for how you feel.\u00a0 But it is<\/em> communicating.\u00a0 I mean, you<\/strong> want an accurate picture of what your partner is thinking and feeling, right?\u00a0 What makes you think your partner is any different?\u00a0 When people love each other, they do care<\/strong> how the other feels even if it\u2019s hardly healthy to take responsibility for it.<\/p>\n

5. <\/strong>Ignore it<\/strong><\/p>\n

Like physical pain, emotional pain is a sign that something needs attention.\u00a0\u00a0 There are dozens of reasons why you might be feeling jealous \u2013 some of them internal, some to do with externals.\u00a0 Unless and until you sit down and examine them with an open mind and without preconceptions, you can\u2019t know.\u00a0 But if you don\u2019t take a good look at what you\u2019re feeling and why, it is going to fester and infect your relationships.<\/p>\n

[1]<\/a> Not really.\u00a0 It\u2019s the number that came to me off the top of my head.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure my Faithful Readers could come up with more.<\/p>\n

[2]<\/a> <grinning at one of my Guest Columnists> I should be ashamed of myself.\u00a0 But I\u2019m not.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve been seeing more than the usual amount of discussion about jealousy on various poly boards lately, so I figure this might be a little topical to people.\u00a0\u00a0 I have pulled out of the air the Definitive[1] Five-Point List of Ways to Fuck Up Handling Jealousy.\u00a0 I am sharing this because I am wise and…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-434","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-communication","category-polyamory-101"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/434","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=434"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/434\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=434"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=434"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=434"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}