I wanna talk a bit about vetos.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t like \u2018em \u2013 not one tiny little bit. I don\u2019t like the ramifications of a veto. There is an implication of ownership overlaid with a serious lack of trust. No, don\u2019t whine at me about this. If you need a veto, there is a desire to protect yourself. This isn\u2019t meant to activate some macho thing. You know, \u201cI don\u2019t need to protect myself!\u201d Sometimes you do, and there’s no use at all in fooling yourself about it.<\/p>\n
My concern with the veto power is that I think it actually promotes a lack of trust between partners. To me a veto says, \u201cI don\u2019t really trust your judgment, and I feel fairly sure that at some point, if you meet someone <more attractive><more intelligent><better in bed><name your insecurity>, and you will <leave me><screw me over><take your pick of your personal relationship \u201cdisaster\u201d>.\u201d<\/p>\n
A veto also says, “I need something with more ‘firepower’ than merely asking<\/em> for what I want.”<\/p>\n If that\u2019s the way you feel, and feel it strongly enough to want yes or no say over someone else’s choices<\/strong>, is that relationship really a good idea for you? I mean seriously, think about it a minute.<\/p>\n Have I ever felt the need for a veto? Yep, sure did. And I took away from that experience that a desire for a veto is a big ole waving red flag that the particular relationship was Not Healthy for Mama Java, and I need to examine stuff really closely.<\/p>\n Now, I know how stuff like this can be twisted, so don\u2019t take this article as an excuse to beat someone over the head, saying, \u201cIf you want a veto you don\u2019t trust me. If you really love and trust me, you won\u2019t even ask for such a thing!\u201d If you get asked for a veto, it\u2019s time for some introspection. Your partner knows you<\/em>1<\/sup>. If you habitually lie, your partner knows it. If it is your habit to get obsessed and disregard agreements, your partner knows this. If you do not ask for what you want, but what you think you can “get away with”, your partner knows this, too.<\/p>\n Now look me in the eye and say, \u201cBut he should just trust<\/strong> me!\u201d I\u2019ll laugh my ass off, I will!<\/p>\n I suppose what it really boils down to is the emotional bank account. The emotional bank account is the amount of trust that has been built up in the relationship. Is it high? If it\u2019s not, I am strongly of the opinion that polyamory with veto conditions is not the way to make those deposits. The very need for vetos means that the emotional bank account with your partner is not very high. You need to work on other things. The very veto agreement will prey on your mind \u2013 a constant reminder of the difficulties in the relationship.<\/p>\n This is not to say that I think boundaries in relationships are not needed. Of course I don’t think that! Agreements are important. Mutual understanding is very important. But the very concept of the veto is inherently false, as it says, “I get a say in what you do.” You don’t. You get to ask<\/em>, but you don’t have the power to choose for someone else, so why pretend?<\/p>\n