{"id":451,"date":"2010-10-05T16:22:16","date_gmt":"2010-10-05T20:22:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/?p=451"},"modified":"2010-10-05T16:22:16","modified_gmt":"2010-10-05T20:22:16","slug":"the-key-factor-to-polyamory-relationship-success","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/2010\/10\/05\/the-key-factor-to-polyamory-relationship-success\/","title":{"rendered":"The Key Factor to Polyamory Relationship Success"},"content":{"rendered":"

In talking about polyamory relationship success, I do take as a given that you\u2019re a rational grown-up.\u00a0 Relationships are for grown-ups.\u00a0 If you\u2019re not a grown-up, fix that, first.\u00a0 Own your own shit, realize the world doesn\u2019t revolve around you, have some basic self-knowledge and the ability to communicate honestly.\u00a0 If you don\u2019t have those things[1]<\/a>, this article isn\u2019t going to be worth a damn to you.<\/p>\n

(Waiting)<\/p>\n

Okay, now that the children are upstairs listening at the doorway[2]<\/a>, I want to talk a bit about the single factor that makes the most difference in the success or failure of polyamory relationship success \u2013 partner selection.<\/p>\n

I want it clear that you are<\/em> a grown-up.\u00a0 You know better than to map \u201cgood partner for you\u201d to \u201cgood human being\u201d, right?\u00a0 There are billions of good people in this world that would make a crappy partner for you<\/em>.\u00a0\u00a0 Got it?<\/p>\n

Poly partner selection breaks down into two basic classifications.\u00a0 The first question you need to ask is, \u201cIs this person a grown-up?\u201d\u00a0 Only date grown-ups.\u00a0 That\u2019s flat. \u00a0You might make a badly-informed decision otherwise, but if you restrict your dating to grown-ups, even the mistakes will be considerably less painful and will not involve peripheral drama and nonsense.\u00a0 Really, if you follow the rule of only dating grownups you\u2019ve solved a good 90% of the problems right there.<\/p>\n

A grown-up:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Owns his own shit.<\/li>\n
  2. Tells the truth.<\/li>\n
  3. Knows how to set appropriate boundaries<\/li>\n
  4. Knows that ultimately he is the one finally responsible for getting his needs met.<\/li>\n
  5. Knows how to ask for what she wants.\n
      \n
    1. Knows the difference between a request and a demand.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/li>\n
    2. Knows that the world does not revolve around him, so is not quick to take everything personally.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      There.\u00a0 Really you can stop reading. If your partners meet those criteria, you\u2019ve eliminated a lot of problems.\u00a0\u00a0 Even so, sometimes even two grownups are not a great match, though.\u00a0 Once you\u2019ve gotten past the \u201cIs this person a grown-up?\u201d the questions start getting really individual.\u00a0 You need to know yourself and your personal tastes.\u00a0 Here\u2019s some good questions to ask:<\/p>\n

        \n
      1. Do I like socializing best one on one or in a group?<\/li>\n
      2. What sorts of things do I like to do?\u00a0 Does the candidate for a relationship with me like to do any of them?<\/li>\n
      3. How okay am I with people doing things without me?\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0If Significant Events in your life are ruined without the presence of all your partners, not only do you need to be up front about it, you want to select partners within a small geographic area who have few commitments outside of the relationship.\u00a0 (This almost borders on \u201cNot a grownup\u201d in my book, as the joined at the hip paradigm is often an unspoken expectation.\u00a0 But I let it slide because if you ARE up front about it and select for it, you\u2019re owning your own shit, which means Grownup).<\/li>\n
      4. Do I favor a communication form?\u00a0 What kinds of communication make me happiest?<\/li>\n
      5. How important are spiritual beliefs and practices (or the lack thereof) to me?<\/li>\n
      6. How much time do I need to spend with a partner to be happy?\n
          \n
        1. Does the candidate actually desire to give and have<\/em> that level of time to give?<\/li>\n
        2. If the candidate wants more<\/em> time than you were thinking of giving, do you<\/em> have as much time as the candidate is happiest having and are you happy giving it?\u00a0\u00a0 Be cautious with this one.\u00a0 Relationships are great, but we poly people tend to have a strong creative component to our lives.\u00a0 Keep time to draw, knit, paint, blow stuff up, build siege engines, etc.\u00a0\u00a0 Yes, this can be something you do with<\/em> a partner, and you\u2019ll be getting a Cool Partnership with Extra Sprinkles.\u00a0 It\u2019s awesome when it happens and might even be something you want to look for.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/li>\n
        3. How strongly do I feel about kids or the lack thereof in terms of socializing with partners?\u00a0 Is this in harmony with the candidate\u2019s actual life<\/em>? (Hint: If said partner has kids under 12 and lives with the kids full-time, if the kids are not a huge<\/strong> factor, he or she might be avoiding parenting responsibilities in favor of extra-curricular activities.\u00a0 i.e. Might not be a grown-up.\u00a0 Just sayin\u2019\u00a0 Be careful and aware).<\/li>\n
        4. Do you agree on what\u2019s \u201cquality time\u201d together?\u00a0 You might find sitting together watching a movie a great thing to do together, or you might consider it a waste of time when you could be interacting.\u00a0\u00a0 Make sure you know what\u2019s quality time for the both of you.\u00a0 You might have differing views and that\u2019s okay. \u00a0If you know and are cool with mutually meeting those differing needs, it\u2019ll work out. But not knowing can be a recipe for disaster, even among grown-ups.\u00a0 Make sure you\u2019re actually <\/em>cool with it, though.\u00a0 \u00a0If you\u2019re tolerating it for TEH HAWT SECKIN go up a few paragraphs.\u00a0 You really don\u2019t have to compromise on that when looking for good relationships.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

          Are you patting yourself on the back and saying, \u201cOh I can get along with anyone and can make my style match anyone else\u2019s for a good relationship?\u201d<\/p>\n

          Stop pattin\u2019.\u00a0 No, seriously, stop it.\u00a0 Either you\u2019re so tapioca bland and tasteless that you aren\u2019t worth having a relationship with, or your self-knowledge needs some work.\u00a0 You do have tastes, desires, things that make you happy, and things that don\u2019t.\u00a0 If you pretend you don\u2019t, that nonsense is just gonna explode all over the place one day like an overripe zit. \u00a0\u00a0Even the most easygoing of people have tastes and preferences, for pity\u2019s sake.\u00a0 Don\u2019t sell yourself short. \u00a0Choose wisely and your relationships will be awesome.<\/p>\n

          <\/a> And if you don\u2019t, realize they\u2019re learnable skils.<\/p>\n

          <\/a> Why yes, not only am I a parent, I remember my own childhood.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

          In talking about polyamory relationship success, I do take as a given that you\u2019re a rational grown-up.\u00a0 Relationships are for grown-ups.\u00a0 If you\u2019re not a grown-up, fix that, first.\u00a0 Own your own shit, realize the world doesn\u2019t revolve around you, have some basic self-knowledge and the ability to communicate honestly.\u00a0 If you don\u2019t have those…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-451","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-relationships"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/451","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=451"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/451\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=451"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=451"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=451"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}