{"id":466,"date":"2010-11-05T15:48:49","date_gmt":"2010-11-05T19:48:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/?p=466"},"modified":"2010-11-05T15:48:49","modified_gmt":"2010-11-05T19:48:49","slug":"how-can-i-tell-if-im-polyamorous-is-the-wrong-question","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/2010\/11\/05\/how-can-i-tell-if-im-polyamorous-is-the-wrong-question\/","title":{"rendered":"\u201cHow Can I Tell if I\u2019m Polyamorous?\u201d is the Wrong Question"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>I ran across a post not too long ago asking how one could know if one were polyamorous or not.\u00a0 I break a bit with a lot of the poly community who see being polyamorous as something of a genetic condition rather than a personal taste.\u00a0 I see where they\u2019re coming from and all, but I\u2019m not sure it\u2019s as ingrained as all that.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s a spectrum.\u00a0\u00a0 There are polyamorous people who cruise happily along with a single partner much of the time.\u00a0 There are polyamorous people who aren\u2019t dating anyone at the moment.\u00a0 There are polyamorous people who are miserably unhappy unless they date lots of people most of the time.\u00a0 There\u2019s a wide range out there.\u00a0 I\u2019d say that if you\u2019re open to the idea of more than one sexual\/romantic relationship, you\u2019re all good with self-identifying as poly, if that takes your fancy.<\/p>\n<p>Other than enjoying one\u2019s relationships, I\u2019m not sure that there really is some acid test that\u2019ll tell <em>for sure<\/em> whether or not one is poly. I also think a more useful question to ask, rather than, \u201cAm I polyamorous?\u201d is \u201cAre my relationships working?\u201d \u00a0Being polyamorous is not a Get Out of the Human Race Free card.\u00a0 Sometimes you make mistakes in relationships, even when you\u2019re poly.<\/p>\n<p>There are some basic things you can look for when you\u2019re thinking about<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>You\u2019re Happy<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<blockquote><p>I want to separate \u201chappy\u201d from \u201cthings being perfect\u201d.\u00a0 Life is never perfect.\u00a0 But if you\u2019re enjoying your relationships some majority of the time, that counts.\u00a0\u00a0 You love your partner(s), enjoy spending time with them, and are fine with dealing with life as it comes to you.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Your Partners are Happy<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<blockquote><p>If you\u2019ve got a partner \u00a0up in the bedroom crying most of the time about something, Things Aren\u2019t Working.\u00a0\u00a0 Either there\u2019s a depression issue that needs to be dealt with, or your relationship(s) aren\u2019t working \u2013 or both.\u00a0 That happens, too.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<blockquote><p>But when things are working, your partner(s) are going to be happy <em>with<\/em> you.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>You\u2019re Focusing on Living and Relationships Rather Than Polyamory as a Concept<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<blockquote><p>Unless you\u2019ve made a vocation out of Thinking About Polyamory<a href=\"file:\/\/\/C:\/Documents%20and%20Settings\/Noel\/My%20Documents\/How%20Can%20I%20Tell%20if%20I.docx#_ftn1\">[1]<\/a>, there\u2019s a lot of stuff you won\u2019t notice.\u00a0 If your husband\u2019s girlfriend has a flat tire and you go help, then get on happily with your day, glad she\u2019s not stranded by the side of the road, yep, that\u2019s a good sign things are going well.\u00a0 If you\u2019re checking in on everyone\u2019s schedule, not because you\u2019re grinding your teeth about the complexity, but are just making plans, yeah, that\u2019s another good sign.\u00a0 If you\u2019re in the mindset of \u201cI don\u2019t have a lifestyle, I have a life\u201d then it\u2019s probably a good sign that your relationships are working out for you.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>I really do think that at the end of the day, it\u2019s not about \u201cAm I Polyamorous?\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s about having the relationship or relationships that work for you and make you happy.\u00a0 You ensure this by choosing partnerships where you\u2019re good for each other, and is less about relationship form.\u00a0 It\u2019s the <strong>people<\/strong> involved that count.<\/p>\n<p>But that&#8217;s awesome, because relationships are about <strong>people, <\/strong>not theory, right?<\/p>\n<hr size=\"1\" \/><a href=\"file:\/\/\/C:\/Documents%20and%20Settings\/Noel\/My%20Documents\/How%20Can%20I%20Tell%20if%20I.docx#_ftnref1\">[1]<\/a> And even those of us who do have a tendency just to live our lives and forget about that after awhile, ya know.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I ran across a post not too long ago asking how one could know if one were polyamorous or not.\u00a0 I break a bit with a lot of the poly community who see being polyamorous as something of a genetic condition rather than a personal taste.\u00a0 I see where they\u2019re coming from and all, but&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-466","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-polyamory-101"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/466","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=466"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/466\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=466"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=466"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=466"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}