{"id":585,"date":"2011-11-02T14:43:06","date_gmt":"2011-11-02T18:43:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/?p=585"},"modified":"2011-11-02T14:43:06","modified_gmt":"2011-11-02T18:43:06","slug":"on-gasslighting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/2011\/11\/02\/on-gasslighting\/","title":{"rendered":"On Gaslighting"},"content":{"rendered":"

This guest column was written by Peter J. Vinton, Jr., aka The Prince.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

It\u2019s Just A Trifle\"\"<\/a><\/h1>\n

Lily innocuously asks a favor of you one day.\u00a0 Say, a quick phone call asking you to pick up her friend Orlando in front of the hardware store, and then to drop him off at the grocery store, where he works.\u00a0 Both stops are on the way to your work, so it won\u2019t be any extra time or mileage out of your way.\u00a0 She gives you a pickup time of 6:30.\u00a0 This is perhaps ten minutes earlier than you normally pass by the hardware store, but you figure it\u2019s no real problem and you agree.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>The next day you swing by the hardware store at 6:30.\u00a0 Orlando is there, along with his friend Shnerf who also works at the grocery store, and he asks if this individual can also ride along.\u00a0 You don\u2019t want to leave this person stranded and make him late for work, so you agree.\u00a0 The ride is uneventful; both of these strangers are polite and cordial.\u00a0 You drop off both Orlando and Shnerf at the grocery store, they express their thanks, and you\u2019re on your way.<\/p>\n

That evening you get a text (not a call) from Lily, asking if you wouldn\u2019t mind showing up at the hardware store at 6:15 tomorrow.\u00a0 You\u2019re a little puzzled; you didn\u2019t explicitly agree to more than one day, but Lily insists that you did.\u00a0 Since you don\u2019t have anything in writing (a text or an email), you\u2019re not able to effectively argue the point.\u00a0 The next morning you swing by the hardware store at 6:15 and sure enough, Orlando is waiting, but Shnerf is running a few minutes late.\u00a0 After some delay, the three of you are on your way by 6:30 and you drop them off at the grocery store at the same time as yesterday.\u00a0 Again, since you yourself aren\u2019t being made to arrive late to work, it\u2019s not really an issue.\u00a0 Your day passes normally.\u00a0 Nobody calls or texts you that evening and you figure this 2-day run of weirdness is over.<\/p>\n

The next morning, you proceed to work at your normal time.\u00a0 As you pass the hardware store at 6:40, Orlando and Shnerf are standing out in front, wildly waving and trying to get your attention.\u00a0 They\u2019re both upset and flustered because \u201cyou\u2019re more than 25 minutes late.\u201d\u00a0 On the way Shnerf apologizes for being a bother, but that he needs to swing past the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for his mother.\u00a0 This takes you a few streets (and about 10 minutes) out of your way.\u00a0 You don\u2019t want to make your passengers later for work than they already are, and you also don\u2019t want to penalize Shnerf\u2019s poor uninvolved mother, so you agree.\u00a0 You drop off Orlando and Shnerf at the grocery store 15 minutes late for their shift. \u00a0As Orlando steps out of the car he asks if you can swing by the hardware store 15 minutes earlier tomorrow \u201cto make up for the shortfall.\u201d\u00a0 Adding to the confusion is the fact that you now don\u2019t know if he means 15 minutes earlier than yesterday, or 15 minutes earlier than the first<\/em> day, when all this began.<\/p>\n

See what\u2019s started happening here?\u00a0 Graphing things out from this point, it\u2019s easy to envision that over time you\u2019re somehow leaving your house earlier and earlier every morning, and yet at the same time arriving to work later and later.\u00a0 An element of chaos has been injected into your life, and you wonder how it got this way.\u00a0 Even more disconcerting, when you try to do a mental recap, you discover to your great discomfort that you can\u2019t even pinpoint exactly when<\/strong> it started becoming this big of a hassle.\u00a0 Worst of all, in the absence of any hard facts or clearly-communicated agreements or intentions, you start questioning your own memory<\/em>, a worry which piles itself on top of all the other difficulties.<\/p>\n

Everyone must accept some share of the blame here: 1) Lily for not decisively explaining the exact need; 2) Orlando for failing to give you a heads-up about a second rider; 3) Shnerf for just assuming you\u2019ll accommodate him; and of course 4) the person pictured on your driver\u2019s license for not putting your foot down at\u2026 well, at some point.\u00a0 You\u2019re not sure when.<\/p>\n

Some Working Definitions<\/h1>\n

Gaslighting<\/em> is an expression that refers to a deliberate act of psychological manipulation; while it doesn\u2019t necessarily imply malevolent intent, it certainly lends itself to malevolence.\u00a0 The term comes from the Patrick Hamilton play Gas Light<\/em>, in which the character Jack uses a variety of tricks, including incrementally turning the gas lamps lower and lower over time, to convince his wife Bella that she is consistently misremembering facts and is therefore crazy.[1]\u00a0 One example of gaslighting in literature is in Roald Dahl\u2019s humorous\"\"<\/a> story The Twits<\/em>, in which every night the husband surreptitiously glues a penny-sized sliver of wood to his wife\u2019s walking stick, making it appear to grow ever longer over time, to the effect of ultimately convincing his wife that she is in fact shrinking.\u00a0\u00a0 Another telling example of gaslighting in literature appears in Frank Tashlin\u2019s The Bear That Wasn\u2019t<\/em>, in which an unsuspecting bear is consistently told by ever higher and higher-ranking individuals that he is not really a bear but
\n\"\"<\/a>\u201ca silly man who needs a shave and wears a fur coat;\u201d to the point where the bear himself begins insisting –to other bears– that he is in fact just \u201ca silly man who needs a shave and wears a fur coat.\u201d\u00a0 The 2005 film Flightplan<\/em> revolves around a systematic attempt to convince Jodie Foster\u2019s character that that she is entirely mistaken about her daughter\u2019s disappearance, and the conflict between what she remembers versus what she is being told, drives her very nearly insane.\u00a0 It might even be argued that the 2010 science-fiction film Inception<\/em> represents a complex, drawn-out act of deliberate gaslighting; a team of professional swindlers manipulates the \u201cmark\u201d below three layers of subconscious, making him believe that a deliberately planted falsehood is in fact an idea he came up with entirely on his own.<\/p>\n

Convincing a person that their memory is not in accord with the facts ultimately leads to a distorted view of reality and an inability to trust one\u2019s own judgment.\u00a0 The desired end result is usually to foster a sense of extreme dependence (often on the part of a spouse or significant other); that the victim desperately needs<\/em> the gaslighter to help him\/her remember facts correctly.\u00a0 The abuser may, for example, move objects from their original locations and then insist that the victim in fact misplaced them.\u00a0 The abuser may consistently deny ever having said a thing (that was in fact said), or may repeatedly insist that their victim did<\/em> in fact a say a thing (that was in fact never said).\u00a0 The victim eventually comes to believe the gaslighter\u2019s definitions of \u201cwhat really happened\u201d and accept this false projection as truth.<\/p>\n

Creeping concessions<\/em> is an expression coined by The Polyamorous Misanthrope[2]\u00a0and it refers to any situation in which a friend, romantic partner, or an employer (or even a government), incrementally expects more and more out of a person \u2013a little extra time, a little more money, a little extra help, a teensy indulgence, a few more \u201cother duties as assigned.\u201d Since the requests for \u201csomething extra\u201d never amount to much on their own merits (after all, what\u2019s one more dollar or just five more minutes?), it might seem selfish or unreasonable to refuse.\u00a0 Next thing you know, you\u2019ve lost large amounts of money and\/or huge chunks of time to something you\u2019re pretty sure you didn\u2019t explicitly agree.<\/p>\n

Again it would appear that childrens\u2019 literature may provide one of the best illustrative\"\"<\/a> examples: the entire plot of Laura Numeroff\u2019s If You Give A Mouse A Cookie<\/em> may be safely said to be an ever-escalating string of creeping concessions.<\/p>\n

Taken together, creeping concessions and gaslighting can be a formidable obstacle.\u00a0 Both are very slippery to pin down, very hard to detect.\u00a0 At a surface level, the gaslighters almost always come across as affable (even charming) and entirely reasonable.\u00a0 By the same token, the creeping concession almost always begins as an entirely reasonable request; a trifle, certainly nothing worth worrying about.<\/p>\n

Even the example given at the beginning of this essay is hard to decisively attribute to a deliberate act of gaslighting or a deliberate act of creeping concessions; indeed there may be no malevolent intent at all (not on Orlando or Shnerf\u2019s part, and perhaps not even consciously on Lily\u2019s part), yet events have still snowballed into something unmanageable.<\/p>\n

Okay, I Get It, It\u2019s Hard to Define.\u00a0 So: How Do I Guard Against It?<\/h1>\n

Gaslighting and creeping concessions, particularly when taken together, can be especially brutal on relationships.\u00a0 These twin forms of psychological abuse can destroy self-esteem, alienate, and lead to depression (potentially even suicide).\u00a0 Both acts ultimately lead to a loss of control over one\u2019s own perceptions and priorities.\u00a0 Psychologically defined as forms of ambient abuse,<\/em>\u00a0they can be employed to trick the victim into staying in an abusive relationship (or employment situation), induce an ever-present sense of disorientation, or to erode the victim\u2019s own confidence in themselves, to the point of even seeing themselves<\/em> as the antagonist and their abuser<\/em> as the one who must endure the suffering.<\/p>\n

Perceptions aren\u2019t easy to refute \u2013after all, the truism \u201cYou see the world from where you sit\u201d applies to everyone regardless of their station in life.\u00a0 This includes people who are being systematically and deliberately lied to.\u00a0 Whether you are a bear or just a silly man who needs a shave and wears a fur coat, it is perception that drives everything else about you.<\/p>\n

So how do we reconcile actual truth<\/em> with what we are being told<\/em>?<\/p>\n

First and perhaps foremost, gut instincts<\/strong> often go a long way toward unraveling the gaslighter\u2019s plans.\u00a0 If your boss or your friend or your significant other seems to repeat phrases like \u201cno, we talked about this already, don\u2019t you remember?\u201d a little too often, this might well be a warning sign \u2013particularly if the \u201cdon\u2019t you remember?\u201d applies to your own preferences (i.e., what you like versus what you dislike) more so than actual events \u2013when your memory is openly challenged, doubted, or outright refuted, it is time to pay attention.<\/p>\n

While nobody\u2019s gut instinct is infallible, there\u2019s a lot to be said for following a hunch.\u00a0 Your intuition is there for a reason \u2013make a habit of listening to it.[3]\u00a0\u00a0Admittedly sometimes it may be in error, just as surely as your other five senses might occasionally misidentify a smell or a taste or a sound, but the simple fact is: they\u2019re not usually wrong.\u00a0 Neither is your intuition.<\/p>\n

Second, write that stuff down<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
No, seriously. Write that stuff down<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Lily may or may not have been the instigator in the opening scenario, but she certainly didn\u2019t help matters by asking the original favor over the phone and not via text or by e-mail.\u00a0 Whether it\u2019s just jotting a quick reminder in a calendar or archiving every email ever sent or received, a little documentation goes a long way towards establishing where perceptions diverged from reality.[4]\u00a0 Pay particular attention if the individual is actively discouraging<\/em> you from making any kind of written record (i.e., \u201cOh, you can remember that.\u00a0 You don\u2019t need to write that down.\u201d)\u00a0 Again, the direct challenge to your memory could be a sign of something deeper.\u00a0 Ignore the slight and write it down anyway.<\/p>\n

Finally, how\u2019s your personal account balance?<\/strong>\u00a0 Not just your bank account, but your own personal time bank?\u00a0 Does it seem to be diminishing, and not just for the usual reasons (you\u2019re a parent, you devote a lot of time to a particular hobby or enthusiasm, you work a lot of hours)?\u00a0 Does it ever seem as though, far from being able to plan things out in any kind of long-term, that you\u2019re instead hopping from one emergency to the next, and that there\u2019s never quite enough time to satisfactorily resolve Problem No. 81 before Problem No. 82 crash-lands on you? Does it feel as though there\u2019s a consistent pattern of never-quite-resolved turmoil, and that brief moments of relative calm are just that: brief<\/em>?\u00a0 A state of constant crisis is not healthy<\/strong>, be it a friendship, a romantic relationship, a term of employment, or a government in relation to its own citizens. \u00a0Conduct periodic audits of your time bank (and be just as ruthless about it as an IRS agent).\u00a0 There could well be some creeping concessions lurking just out of view; somewhere back in the fogginess of your own memory, the mouse may have demanded more than just a cookie. Repeated patterns of sleep deprivation and never-ending financial shortfalls could conceivably also serve as a heads-up. [5]\u00a0 Again, see what your gut instinct has to say about it.<\/p>\n

Your memory is one of the very few possessions that you get to keep with you for your entire lifetime, and anything that threatens its integrity is by definition paralyzingly fearful.\u00a0 People far wiser than I have generated a great deal of informative literature on the dual subjects of gaslighting and creeping concessions, and I would recommend them heartily, starting with the various footnotes in this essay.\u00a0 They are excellent building blocks and I sincerely hope the knowledge contained in them might offer some hope to anyone who might find themselves at the wrong end of this kind of ambient abuse.<\/p>\n

\n
\n
\n

[1]Taverniers, Karen. \u201cGaslighting in Controlling Relationships.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

[2]\u00a0http:\/\/www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/2007\/07\/15\/being-used\/<\/a>\u00a0 (ed note: \u00a0I used the expresion, but doubt I coined it<\/em>)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

[3]King, Jeanne, www.preventabusiverelationships.com<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

[4]Stern, Robin.\u00a0 \u201cThe Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

[5]A Message From Men To Women: You Are Not “Crazy.\u201d<\/a> www.thehiddenconscience.com<\/p>\n

On Gasslighting<\/strong><\/center>
\u00a9 2011, Peter J. Vinton, Jr.<\/center>
Used by permission<\/center><\/p>\n

Peter Vinton Jr. lives in northern New England where he not only finally got around to graduating college at the age of 35 but also figured out how to put his creepy-ass deep voice to work as a computer instructor, mostly by scaring his students (even the 65 year-old ones with multiple doctorates) into making it to class on time.\u00a0 He still teaches, draws\/paints scantily-clad superhero-babes as a sideline<\/a>, and wears his hair long even when he doesn’t have to.\u00a0 He has recently solved the Great Vermont Corn Maze.\u00a0 Vinton remains a Cancer but wants to “keep his options open” and hasn’t ruled out being a Libra or perhaps even a Pisces someday.<\/em><\/p>\n

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This guest column was written by Peter J. Vinton, Jr., aka The Prince. It\u2019s Just A Trifle Lily innocuously asks a favor of you one day.\u00a0 Say, a quick phone call asking you to pick up her friend Orlando in front of the hardware store, and then to drop him off at the grocery store,…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,4,5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-585","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-boundaries","category-communication","category-guest-column"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/585","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=585"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/585\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=585"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=585"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=585"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}