{"id":75,"date":"2007-10-29T14:51:43","date_gmt":"2007-10-29T18:51:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/2007\/10\/29\/infidelity-a-deeper-analysis-of-the-desperate-housewife-or-husband\/"},"modified":"2007-10-29T14:51:43","modified_gmt":"2007-10-29T18:51:43","slug":"infidelity-a-deeper-analysis-of-the-desperate-housewife-or-husband","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/2007\/10\/29\/infidelity-a-deeper-analysis-of-the-desperate-housewife-or-husband\/","title":{"rendered":"Infidelity: A Deeper Analysis of the Desperate Housewife (or -Husband)"},"content":{"rendered":"<blockquote>\n<p align=\"left\"><em>This isn&#8217;t by the Goddess of Java, but is by The Ferret and originally posted <a href=\"http:\/\/theferrett.livejournal.com\/1001552.html\">here<\/a>.<\/em>\u00a0 <em>Reposted by permission.\u00a0 This is excellent stuff!<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p align=\"left\">     In my last discussion of infidelity, I outlined <a href=\"http:\/\/theferrett.livejournal.com\/997692.html\">the four basic types of cheaters<\/a>.  Of that, there were only two who you could really hope to have a relationship with:<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>The Wild Oat-Sower<\/strong>, who cheats to see whether something\u2019s as good as they thought it was (and then, their curiosity satisfied, doesn\u2019t do it again), and:<\/li>\n<li><strong>The Desperate Housewife<\/strong>, who\u2019s cheating because you\u2019re doing something that\u2019s making them miserable. Hence, they\u2019re going elsewhere to fulfill the needs that you\u2019re not satisfying.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\"> I also said that when caught, the Desperate Housewife \u2013 who, despite the name, can also be a guy \u2013 will almost invariably claim that they were just working something out of their system.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">     But why <em>is<\/em> that? Why will these unhappy partners lie and tell you that it\u2019s not you, it\u2019s something they\u2019re going through and they need to work it out? Wouldn\u2019t it be better just to talk to you about the shit they\u2019re going through and maybe clear it up?<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\"> The reason\u2019s simple: Desperate Housewife cheating happens in an environment where your lover feels they\u2019ll be punished for being honest.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">     If a Desperate Housewife could tell you about what was really bothering them in a way where they felt like you could <em>listen<\/em>, then they wouldn\u2019t cheat. (They might have sex with someone else with your permission, but contrary to some popular beliefs, that\u2019s not cheating.) But now, if they tell the truth, they\u2019re going to get into a big long argument where they won\u2019t be heard at all. It\u2019s quicker to cheat.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\"> Yes, the Desperate Housewife is a sign that your relationship has degenerated to the point where your partner now views you as an obstacle to be worked around. Your partner still loves you \u2013 otherwise they\u2019d be out the door* &#8211;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">     This may not be your fault.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\"> You could, for example, be committing the crime of \u201cNot being the ex-girlfriend he\u2019s hung up on,\u201d and talking to you about how you\u2019re really not her will just make you feel bad and cause a lot of crying. So since that\u2019ll never change and he\u2019s not quite ready to leave you, he\u2019s just not going to mention how he\u2019ll jump her if he gets the chance. Really, there\u2019s nothing you can do.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\"> Or perhaps you are guilty of \u201cUnable to tell her exactly what she should do with her life right now, and she doesn\u2019t know.\u201d Your wife\u2019s suddenly decided that everything in her life is wrong; she\u2019s not satisfied with her husband or her career or her family or her hobbies. She\u2019s drifted passively through life until now, agreeing quietly with everything people said, but a few months ago she realized that this wasn\u2019t working.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">     Now she doesn\u2019t know what <em>will<\/em> make her happy, and she\u2019s quietly angry all the time because somebody should hand her a paper slip containing the magic words that will give her a life of fulfillment, and <em>nobody has<\/em>.  Everything <em>you<\/em> suggest is complete crap that she knows won\u2019t work \u2013 she knows it so thoroughly that she won\u2019t even try it.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">     As her husband, you should be the one who knows what the hell she wants \u2013 or are you part of the problem?  Hmm?  Maybe?<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">     That\u2019s a no-win situation.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\"> Or you might be condemned to, \u201cNot wanting to watch your husband screw every woman in town until he\u2019s had all of the fun he wants.\u201d Or \u201cUnable to agree with everything your girlfriend says.\u201d<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">     Some Desperate Housewives desire things that are <em>completely unreasonable<\/em>.  In many cases, what they want is something that you <em>shouldn\u2019t<\/em> provide \u2013 they probably <em>should<\/em> be punished for being honest, since what they&#8217;re asking you to do isn&#8217;t something that should be granted. And as is often the case with dysfunctional relationships, there\u2019s really not that much common ground to work with once you clear away that dry brush. What would make your partner happy would make you miserable, so there\u2019s no real room for negotiation.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\"> But remember when I said that when caught, almost every Desperate Housewife will claim to be a Wild Oat-Sower? Here\u2019s the corollary:<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">     <strong>When a Desperate Housewife is caught, almost every partner claims that they\u2019re doing everything that their partner can reasonably expect, whether they actually are or not.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\"> The partner of a Desperate Housewife will almost always admit that yes, there are problems, but on the whole he\u2019s been doing everything he <em>should<\/em> be doing.  He\u2019s been kind, communicative, understanding \u2013 it\u2019s <em>her<\/em> that\u2019s the problem. This is understandable. The \u201csolvable\u201d Desperate Housewives (the ones where they have problems that can be addressed) are generally caused by communication locks, where the cheatee feels like she\u2019s listening properly and the cheater knows he isn\u2019t.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">     What happens is often subtle; the cheatee is suppressing vital communication in some quiet way that <em>he or she may not be aware of<\/em>.  Lemme give you a real-life example here to clarify things.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\"> In a long-term relationship with an old girlfriend, I was kind, sensitive, and loving. I took care of her emotionally, I brought her flowers, I picked her up from her job, and I was an awesome boyfriend.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">     She cheated on me.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">     This was sadly common in my LTRs.  <em>Most<\/em> of my girlfriends cheated on me.* And it was a surprisingly long time before I discovered the common denominator in my crappy relationships was me.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\"> What was I doing? It was surprisingly subtle. I kept asking, \u201cDo you love me?\u201d (or that eternal variant, \u201cAre we okay?\u201d). And I didn\u2019t just ask it once a day \u2013 oh, no, sometimes I\u2019d ask it a couple of times an <em>hour<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">     I <em>was<\/em> a good boyfriend, on many levels. If you were to ask me, I was doing what I was supposed to do, and if I was a little needy at times, well, my other fine qualities made up for it. But realistically, I was suppressing communication <em>constantly<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\"> How? Well, every time I asked \u201cAre we okay?\u201d, I was accomplishing two things. Quite obviously, being asked all the time is fucking annoying, so I was endlessly nagging. But on the other hand, every partner has their quirks, and I might have found someone who was willing to reassure me a lot.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">     The larger problem was that we <em>had<\/em> to be okay. If my partner was upset or just irritated, telling me that they weren\u2019t okay would lead to an instant Serious Discussion of What Was Wrong, which would not end until we <em>were<\/em> okay once again. Basically, any conflict, no matter how slight, had to be ironed out immediately for my convenience \u2013 I couldn\u2019t live with my girlfriends being mad at me at all.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\"> Sometimes, people just need time to cool off. (Or you don\u2019t want to get into an argument now, because this movie\u2019s really good.) By continually demanding that everything was okay at the very moment I asked it, I was lowering the bar on \u201cokay.\u201d In order to live with me, any girlfriend had to quietly redefine \u201ctrivial, but not worth discussing now\u201d as \u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">     In this fashion, I <em>taught<\/em> them to lie to me.  I was practically <em>asking<\/em> for it.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\"> But wait! There\u2019s more! If they didn\u2019t want to discuss it right then, they couldn\u2019t argue about it later \u2013 because then I\u2019d realize that they had lied to me when they\u2019d told me we were fine half an hour ago, and how could I know whether they had really <em>meant<\/em> that okay? The argument now would be that much bigger. So if they didn\u2019t bring up the trivial stuff instantly, on my terms, they couldn\u2019t bring it up at all without a huge fight that questioned their honesty.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\"> They stopped talking to me about the trivial stuff. And the funny thing about trivial stuff is that it almost invariably chains into major stuff\u2026 But how could they discuss the major stuff that had sprung from the trivial stuff without having to justify all the quiet lies they\u2019d told to me along the way?<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">     In fact, they couldn\u2019t talk to me <em>at all<\/em>. I was still a great guy, but there was this no-fly zone of non-communication. And hence, they would eventually find a guy who didn\u2019t ask them stupid shit all the time, and by <em>God<\/em> was he attractive.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">     They didn\u2019t leave me.  They still <em>liked<\/em> me. But the other guy was like a vacation, or perhaps a pressure valve. He provided something I couldn\u2019t \u2013 you know, confidence.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\"> And so my communication patterns broke down. But if you were to ask me, I was doing everything that I was supposed to in order to keep things moving \u2013 in fact, my negative was a <em>positive<\/em>.  I was <em>always<\/em> asking for feedback!  I <em>wanted<\/em> open communication! Why did all of my girlfriends lie to me? By God, they were all Kobayashi Marus. You couldn\u2019t win with them. Sure, I was flawed, but those were minor; on the whole, I was doing everything I <em>should<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\"> Thus, the big question in any future relationship with a cheater is, \u201cWhat are you doing wrong?\u201d It sounds ludicrous to ask this after a partner\u2019s wounded you so thoroughly, but chances are better than even that they didn\u2019t just do this out of evil intentions.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">     You <em>might<\/em> be partially at fault for this. To find out, in the next segment of this ongoing series, I\u2019ll outline the various types of Desperate Housewives that I\u2019ve seen, both male and female.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">     Stay tuned.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><font size=\"-2\"><\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">     * &#8211; Or a Tarzan Cheater, as outlined in the previous essay.<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p align=\"left\">     ** &#8211; And I on them, but <a href=\"http:\/\/www.theferrett.com\/showarticle.php?Rant=50\">I\u2019ve chronicled that in the past<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p><\/font><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>This isn&#8217;t by the Goddess of Java, but is by The Ferret and originally posted here.\u00a0 Reposted by permission.\u00a0 This is excellent stuff! In my last discussion of infidelity, I outlined the four basic types of cheaters. Of that, there were only two who you could really hope to have a relationship with: &nbsp; The&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-75","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-communication"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/75","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=75"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/75\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=75"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=75"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/polyamorousmisanthrope.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=75"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}