A lot of poly people turn to online groups for support in their poly lives.
As one of the co-founders of one such group, do I think they’re a good thing?
Of course!
Thing is, it’s a good idea to understand the limits of what an online support group is good for and what it’s not.
Polyamory, by its very nature, is just awfully intimate. The problems and issues that arise in poly situations are often about as close to the heart and the vulnerable spots as you’re able to get. When you get that close in, you start getting into things that are messy, private, and often just plain don’t show human nature in its best light.
The Internet, by its very nature, is public, it’s dynamic and can feed explosions. You post to a support group online and you’re very much jumping into the unknown. There may be thousands of people reading your words, even if the group feels cozy and intimate.
These are things you will not find in a good online support group:
Instant Validation of All Feelings
Don’t go to an online support group expecting that you’ll be petted and treated with kid gloves. If you need that, you want an in-person group, and will probably have to pay for it. It’s okay to need it, but even the fluffiest of online support groups is going to have someone who isn’t so fluffy. Online is a bad place to go when you’re feeling fragile. And yeah, I do feel fragile from time to time, just like the rest of the world. I talk to my friends, my family, and if it’s really bad, a professional counselor when it happens.
Privacy
I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to anyone. Even a closed forum where one must be approved by a moderator to join isn’t very private. If it’s an open forum, this means when you complain about a love and what said love does, said love might wind up reading it. Then it’s possible to get one of those lovely catfights where everyone’s jumping in. If that’s your kink, okay. But if you’re looking for real solutions, that may not work out so well.
A horde of people to validate your virtue in a situation
I cannot count the times I’ve seem someone who clearly wanted to be told that she (it’s usually “she”, but “he” isn’t exactly unheard of) is the poor innocent victim and that everyone should start doing what she wants because she’s so sweet and nice and self-sacrificial only to turn into Medusa when it turns out that not everyone agrees with her take on the situation.
Validation that your situation is unique, special and that no-one’s ever encountered something like this before.
If you have spent more than five years watching people spill their guts on a polyamory discussion group, you have seen it all before. More than likely, you’ve done some of the stupid shit that’s being posted about, too!
Things to look for in an online support group:
People who’ve been there and done that
You want that. People learn best from experience. Bonus points if someone says, “Oh God, I fucked up like that once and here’s what happened to me…” There are online support groups for Polyamory in general, group marriages, monogamous/polyamorous pairings, poly and almost any kink you can think of… You’re sure to find some relatively sane and sensible people for reality checks in almost any poly situation. If most people in the group are into theory and there aren’t a fair whack of them who have been living poly, it’s probably not a useful support group. Beware the social engineers!
A willingness to deliver a reality check
The whole point of getting involved in a community is for the reality check, after all. If you never ever get questioned or called on anything you say, you’re not involved in a useful or growth-producing environment. While I don’t think the “stick of grandmotherly kindness” is something that needs to be hauled out at every instance, a gentle, “Are you sure X is gonna work out for you?” should come up frequently when you ask a question or present a situation. 100% agreement at all times means you might as well be talking to a mirror. If someone points out that they don’t think a situation is healthy, it’s worth examining. If fifty people say the same think, it’s worth hauling out the microscope to examine in detail. (Please not I do not say that one should automatically heed advice in support groups. I use the word “examine” on purpose because ultimately you are the only true judge of how to live your life. You’re only looking for advice and ideas, not direction).
A feeling that the group is mostly “sane”.
This is subjective and that’s okay. If you get the sense that the people are nuts, and not in a good way, you don’t need their advice.
Keep in mind, though, an online support group is not a substitute for real-life interaction. You don’t want to dump your social network in “real life” because you’re so excited to have found a group of people that understand your unique situation. There have been many studies that show that the online communities, while a great boon to some forms of social networking, have really taken a toll in how tolerant we are of people who are different from ourselves. You might have your online group, but keep your face to face friendships. It’s all necessary.
I’d add that once you’ve been a member for quite a while, it gets awkward to post your own queries at times….
As an active member of more than one online poly support group, I’d also like to add that it’s very helpful for new people to spend some time reading and familiarizing themselves with the kinds of questions and answers on a particular group before jumping in with a question of their own.
It’s one thing to be a newbie, but it’s another to totally misjudge the tone of a group and start asking questions that are neither relevant nor welcome (eg. asking how to fix your polyfi relationship in a forum that consists of mostly poly people who are also swingers). It’s perfectly ok to be new and inexperienced, but being clueless can be avoided with a bit of preparation.
“Beware the social engineers!”
Love Love LOVE this. I want this warning etched into a brass plaque for my door.
This reminds me of when they tried to start a f2f poly group at a church we were attending. First off, the invitation, posted on the church bulletin board, hinted at the joys of group sex. And when we attended, about a half hour into it I asked out loud, “Are we the only people here who have actually DONE this?” Lots of theory, very little practice in the group (beyond some 1970s swinging).
Which brings up another point… here are (some of) the kinds of people seeking support online:
1. Newbies (curious)
2. Newbies (first-timers)
3. People who don’t learn from their mistakes
4. Drama queens seeking validation
5. Cheaters seeking validation
6. Victims of #5 cheaters seeking understanding/justice/retaliation
As time has worn on, I have little patience anymore except for the #2 folks. So I’m not much for the support groups.
I do agree with Kit. When you’ve been on a group for a while, it does get hard to post your own stuff. Especially when you are involved in a relationship network with other members on the same board/group.
I’d also add that finding a group is only so helpful – it does take a lot of work to find the right one for you and I think you’ve got some good qualifications. The next step I think is to *participate.* I think many people find themselves nodding along and going “uh huh, uh huh. Well, obviously!” when reading other people’s posts and queries… but don’t put out their own queries because either duh, they know it all already by reading, or they can’t handle the feedback. That makes them ineffective members at best, and the community is really only so helpful.
I also might add if you have bad grammar? be careful. The poly LJ community is filled with grammar nazi’s. Which I find funny because you have a masters degree and you work at Starbucks? Some people have a knack of pointing out tiny grammatical flaws and some people make lots of money. Remember, Bill Gates is a college dropout. Others are poly and can’t keep a relationship while other are able to maintaining long-lasting one’s. It also helps to have a thick-skin and roll with it. Because anyone can make snarky comments behing a computer screen, yet if they were confronted? they would run. In my opinion those who attack others on-line? they were probably bullied as kids and are a bunch of resentful geeks who resented those who have better people skills.
*Behind* oops. As I said I know I suck at grammar.
Well, Jay, if you’re displeased with your grammar skills, you have a choice to improve them.
This is true. However for some that may have dyslexia? Writing can be a struggle. Especially when it is a struggle to express the thoughts inside one’s brain. College degree’s and title are not a measure of intelligence. The smartest man I ever knew was an auto mechanic. He fixed cars, but I found his advice of affairs of the heart to be most helpful. Not to mention his knowledge of Scottish History and The Roman Empire. But he had real life experience, empathy and common sense. Something that is sorely lacking amongst many in the poly circles.
Re: grammar. First, someone who cannot communicate in writing is best served by an in-person meetup / support group. By “cannot communicate in writing” I do not mean someone who spells “a lot” “alot”; I mean someone whose explanations of their poly relationships has so many errors that it appears one is fucking one’s spouse’s parents, or some such.
If the meaning is clear but scattered with typos and unneeded apostrophes and so forth, some readers will be distracted and some won’t. How distracting it will be depends on the individual readers. How welcome the person will be depends on the group as a whole.
Usually on LJ I ignore the typos and so on. But if the post flat doesn’t make sense, then I assume the person posting won’t be able to make sense of any reply…. 🙂