This guest column was written by Edward Martin, III.
A lot of people seem to have a lot of trouble talking with their partners. Now, sometimes, I can understand this. Some topics are embarrassing, or awkward or uncomfortable. Some topics are even potentially dangerous to the relationship. So, yeah, talking with partners can be tricky.
And it’s not like talking with strangers, either. You don’t have momentum with strangers. You first meet someone and if they ask you what you’re into, you can TELL them “I only REALLY like sex when you’re dressed as a clown and I’m your little trick puppy.” Hell, you might just get it. But somehow, when you’ve got a partner of a couple years, it suddenly becomes a lot harder to talk with them about uncomfortable, embarrassing, awkward, or even dicey topics.
A lot of people relate this problem, and for a lot of them – especially if they come from a restrictive sexuality mindset – there’s a dynamic in place that actually CONTIBUTES to this difficulty.
This dynamic is combat.
It sounds funny and silly and childish when I put it that way, which is, of course, accurate. A lot of people who don’t have their heads screwed on straight approach difficulties with their partners as if it’s some kind of combat, as if they are entering the battlefield and they’ve got to make sure they have a Full Tactical Dossier on the other person, and be fully girded against attacks and be ready to unleash Nuclear Fuckup if need be and, and, and…
And that’s where they make the first mistake.
Your partner is not your enemy.
Seems simple on the face of it, so I’m going to type it again, because if feels so damn good.
Your partner is not your enemy.
Your enemy is probably a disagreement or a misunderstanding or a fear or a worry or that asshole next door who can’t stop glaring at your customers when they come over and freaking them out. But it’s not your partner.
Your partner is not your enemy.
Your partner is your ally.
So, go ahead and think about that awkward topic, that difficult subject, that tricky proposition. Yes, it’s awkward, difficult, or tricky, and yes, you probably have all kinds of issues surrounding whether or not you even want to talk about it, but on the list of six billion people available on the planet, there’s at least ONE you absolutely KNOW is your ally and that’s your partner. Treat them that way. Approach them as an ally, ask them to help you find a solution to this, offer your services as well (after all, you definitely haz got your mad skilz). Together, you will find a solution, and your partner will be keenly interested in helping, because…
Your partner is not your enemy.
And, of course, conversely, you had best be remembering the same thing. When your partner comes to you with a problem, a tricky, awkward bit of a problem, you are being engaged as an ally. Act like it. Your partner needs you. Maybe whatever the problem was involves you, too, and you would like a little of that “not your enemy” love right back. You’re gonna have to wait, because they asked you first, so it’s your turn to wear the Big Boy pants (even if you’re a girl, unless you’re a girl from Innsmouth, in which case you wear the Big Thing Fishnets), and be their ally and help solve the problem.
Afterward, chances are, you’ll discover you don’t HAVE your own problem anymore (helping partners sometimes produces this effect – deal with it, because resentment helps no one you love), but even if you do, you can always ask for help.
Know why?
Because your partner’s not your enemy.
They’re your ally.
Stick that on the fridge.
Enemies and Allies © 2008, Edward Martin, III
Used by permission
All Rights Reserved
Edward Martin III’s a writer and filmmaker living in the Pacific Northwest.Other essays and reflections of his can be found at http://www.petting-zoo.org/NonFiction.html and his movies can be found at http://www.guerrilla-productions.org/he also does these
animations: http://www.petting-zoo.org/Hardcore.html
“…but on the list of six billion people available on the planet, there’s at least ONE you absolutely KNOW is your ally and that’s your partner. ”
I *totally* agree with this statement. I know, without any shadow of a doubt, that I can talk to my mate about anything, even the hard stuff. He’s amazing and patient and listens without judging, acknowledges my feelings and just accepts that I need to talk about it – if that’s what I need – or helps me come up with solutions – if that’s what I need. But, I have *two* partners, and my girlfriend doesn’t have his communication skills. Her immediate reaction is to become either angry or defensive, no matter how delicately I try to use “I statements” or couch things in as non-confrontationally as possible, and most discussions then become an exercise in making *her* feel better, and we never get back around to the issue in question. *sigh* So how in the world do I *not* treat that “as if it’s some kind of combat, as if they are entering the battlefield and they’ve got to make sure they have a Full Tactical Dossier on the other person, and be fully girded against attacks”? I know she’s not my enemy, but I’m all ears for any suggestions on how to make her my ally…because I’m at a total loss.
Euphrates writes “I know she’s not my enemy, but I’m all ears for any suggestions on how to make her my ally…because I’m at a total loss.”
Share this column with your partners, and tell them “This is how I’m going to treat you, and this is how I expect to be treated in return.”
You may wish to consider how much you want to be connected to partners who don’t understand this. You may wish to let them read the previous sentence, while showing them your “I’m serious” face.
This should be so obvious but it really isn’t, like so many other things in life (and one or two traffic cameras.)
For me, the trick is checking in and trying to have some awareness of what my headspace is before we even start. Sometimes I find that I’ll start the defensive stuff as an internal dialogue before the talk ever begins. I’ll set myself up to be in an adversarial position. The more awareness (and willingness to cop to my own shit) I have going in, the more I can exert control over my behavior and act like a grownup and an ally.
My thought is that I hear a lot of “Well I’m just this way.” or “I can’t help it because of X.” when people behave poorly during interactions. I don’t really buy it. I think that we are monkeys with awareness – we DO have control over our behavior and our words and the way we react, if we choose to exert it. We DO know better. We CAN help it. Hellfire and dalmations, I expect my children to rein in the defensive stuff and remember that I’m their ally all the time, every day, and they manage to struggle through and get there. If an adult partner can’t, that’s a problem.
“A lot of people who don’t have their heads screwed on straight approach difficulties with their partners as if it’s some kind of combat, as if they are entering the battlefield and they’ve got to make sure they have a Full Tactical Dossier on the other person, and be fully girded against attacks and be ready to unleash Nuclear Fuckup if need be and, and, and…”
Wow, judgmental much?
DDA writes “Wow, judgmental much?”
Well, yeah, on health issues. I judge infections to be bad for me, so I take antibiotics. I judge car crashes bad, so I wear seatbelts. I judge combative approaches to romantic relationships as bad, so I knock that shit off, and I don’t support it when my partners exhibit it.
I’m pefectly happy judging unhealthy behaviors as unhealthy and people who persist in them as not having their heads screwed on straight.
Is there an objection to that practice?
Rainy writes “For me, the trick is checking in and trying to have some awareness of what my headspace is before we even start. Sometimes I find that I’ll start the defensive stuff as an internal dialogue before the talk ever begins. I’ll set myself up to be in an adversarial position. The more awareness (and willingness to cop to my own shit) I have going in, the more I can exert control over my behavior and act like a grownup and an ally.”
Yep, absolutely.
So much of this kind of trouble has a lot to do with us interacting with our IMAGES of our partners, instead of the real partners.
You wrote, “Is there an objection to that practice?”
Quite a bit since it is entirely tautological. You say a behaviour is unhealthy and then say you it’s okay to judge it as unhealthy and then go on to judge people based on that circular judgement.
Personally, I don’t care how you judge people or behaviours but I’m far less likely to take your advice seriously if you try to pass off your own judgments as somehow objective.
Edward writes:
“So much of this kind of trouble has a lot to do with us interacting with our IMAGES of our partners, instead of the real partners.”
Word.
Once I arrived at that understanding relationships became so much less complicated.
DDA sez: “Quite a bit since it is entirely tautological. You say a behaviour is unhealthy and then say you it’s okay to judge it as unhealthy and then go on to judge people based on that circular judgement.”
Well…unless you read minds, the only way we have to know who and what another person is about is by JUDGING their behavior. Unhealthy people tend to exhibit unhealthy behavior. Healthy people tend to exhibit healthy behavior. Healthy people may have a bad day from time to time, or a particular ‘trigger’ that makes them cranky (going to the mall, having an unpleasant relative over for holiday supper) but in general, they aren’t going to be toxic a majority of the time. If someone exhibits a consistent pattern of toxic behavior, time to re-evaluate that person’s position in your life.
“Quite a bit since it is entirely tautological.”
No. What you WROTE is tautological. What I wrote is different than what you wrote.
“You say a behaviour is unhealthy and then say you it’s okay to judge it as unhealthy…”
It is okay to judge a behavior unhealthy. Yes. I fail to see why this is somehow objectionable.
“…then go on to judge people based on that circular judgement.”
No. PEOPLE are fine. Sometimes they don’t have their heads screwed on straight, though. You have not noticed that I distinguish between the two.
“I’m far less likely to take your advice seriously if you try to pass off your own judgments as somehow objective.”
My advice is to avoid combative relationships. If you don’t think that’s useful for you, then by all means, feel free to do as you wish. But pretending that this is somehow MY fault because you fabricate a tautology, fabricate a supposed claim to objectivity, attempt to strap it to me so you can have an emotional punching bag, and then bitch when I refuse to accept responsibility for what you’ve constructed, that’s just lame.
“Unhealthy people tend to exhibit unhealthy behavior. Healthy people tend to exhibit healthy behavior. Healthy people may have a bad day from time to time, or a particular ‘trigger’ that makes them cranky (going to the mall, having an unpleasant relative over for holiday supper) but in general, they aren’t going to be toxic a majority of the time.”
While it’s true that healthy people can occasionally have unhealthy moments, it seems equally probable that unhealthy people can have moments where they appear to be quite lucid.
It’s good to keep an eye on trends.
“Once I arrived at that understanding relationships became so much less complicated.”
And somehow relationships that are “simple” aren’t valued as much as relationships that are “complicated,” as if there’s some sort of Locke-based requirement that one must WORK in order to impart VALUE.
I prefer other hobbies.
YES! This is very important!
The phrase that Kyeli and I use to remind each other of this is “We’re on the same team.” It helps us reframe the situation from “you versus me” to “you and me together, working together versus the problem we’re trying to solve.”
Another useful reminder phrase is “Assume Love.” I often jump to assuming the worst possible conclusion, but instead if I assume the best intentions, we don’t get into combat mode.
Now this is all assuming that you and your partner are actually on the same team, and that there isn’t anything abusive or manipulative or otherwise unhealthy going on. Assuming love and saying “we’re on the same team” in that situation is just enabling more badness. But in healthy relationships, these sorts of things can be very helpful reminders.
Pace writes “The phrase that Kyeli and I use to remind each other of this is “We’re on the same team.””
That’s a good one!
Great article; it sparked a thought in me about self-development.
It seems to me that the more comfortable one is in one’s own skin, identifying one’s own needs, and feeling like it’s okay to even HAVE those needs, the less likely one is to view nearest and dearest as enemies. In other words, without self-acceptance, it’s much more likely we’ll project our inner doubts onto the people closest to us.
And yes, I might have had this happen to me once or twice. 🙂
Kiki writes “In other words, without self-acceptance, it’s much more likely we’ll project our inner doubts onto the people closest to us.”
Yep. I’ve found this as well.
And it can be a hard lesson to learn.
Edward Martin wrote, “My advice is to avoid combative relationships.”
Good advice.
“…that’s just lame.”
I objected to your judgmental statements and your justification for them. If that’s lame, so be it.
DDA writes “I objected to your judgmental statements and your justification for them. ”
No you didn’t. You made shit up, attributed to me, and then acted all offended at me for it. The quotes you used could have basically been random. When I tried to clarify the difference between what I was writing and what you insisted I meant, you ignored it in favor of what you needed to insist.
And THAT — as I’ve made clear — is what’s lame.
If you don’t understand what I’ve written, I don’t mind clarifying, but if you can’t let go of your own interpretation, then I’m sure you’ll pardon my ducking out of that chat between you and your mirror.
*watches the Comment Pong*
I hereby declare that DDA and Edward Martin III should never be in a relationship together, since they can’t agree on how to argue.
There, that should settle it. ;P
Ya know, I’ve read this piece several times over the years but it always hits me hard. Probably because I need so badly to hear it. “Your partner is not your enemy.” Funny how this should even be a necessary reminder. Funny sad.
Your partner is not your enemy? Well, we all would like to believe that, but honestly? It’s not a guarantee. Why exactly are people afraid to bring up embarrassing issues, or requests for change in their relationships? Because they’re afraid they’ll be rejected, or even ridiculed by the person who knows their heart best. That’s some pretty big stakes on the table. It’s easy to say it as a mantra “Your partner is not your enemy,” but the truth is, sometimes your partner is your enemy (as is the case with wife beaters).
Of course its nice to try and approach your partner as though he or she was your ally, but if it turns out not to be the case, you’re setting yourself up for some serious damage. I think the real question is how can we feel comfortable in the knowledge that our partner is not, in fact, our enemy. From there, everything should fall into place.
Well, if your partner is your enemy, maybe reconsidering whether or not the person stays a partner is a good idea. What do you think, Pinkie?
“Well, if your partner is your enemy, maybe reconsidering whether or not the person stays a partner is a good idea.”
Indeed.
For example: “Of course its nice to try and approach your partner as though he or she was your ally, but if it turns out not to be the case, you’re setting yourself up for some serious damage.”
If it turns out to not be the case, then you leave. I mean, this should be a no-brainer.
Unless they jizz showers of gold dust and diamond chunks, I’d have a REAL hard time sticking around someone who was being a jerk to me, or being combative with me.
(and it would have to be a LOT of gold dust and diamonds — just sayin’)
There are no guarantees in life, and you can’t know everything about someone. If you hook up with someone who seems okay, but turns out to be a jerk, then leave. If that happens a lot, then either fix your Partner Picker, or move away from Asshole Island.
Deciding that you can’t treat them or expect to be treated BY them as an ally is the first indication that this miiiiiiight not work.
“It’s easy to say it as a mantra “Your partner is not your enemy,” but the truth is, sometimes your partner is your enemy (as is the case with wife beaters).”
Yeah, or murderers, or people who poke you with crochet hooks in your urethra, or people who shove live rats up your ass, or people who sell your kidneys on the black market, or…
Well, I’m sure the list goes on.
I think it’s fairly safe to assume that if you’re involved with someone like that, then it isn’t the aphorism that’s the problem.