Dear Goddess: I have a couple of questions about navigating my poly relationship and I’d love your advice. First, a bit of background. My husband and I began a polyrelationship with one of my best friends about 6 months ago. Working out my jealousy has been truly difficult, but also rewarding since I continue to learn more about my own internal behaviors as a result. Much of my jealousy revolves around my role as the “practical wife” whereas my friend serves as the “fun wife.” Any ideas you have about this would be truly helpful, since I find myself stumbling over it a lot when I watch them carrying on laughing and having fun. I believe I hold myself apart from them to highlight my isolation and then I feel like if I say anything I will become the needy one. Ugh. None of this sounds great, I know. On the other hand, this is the first real relationship with a woman, and I feel like I have no one to crow about it to. My friends who do know aboutall of this seem to think I’ve set myself up for nothing but pain, so I cannot open up about how excited I feel or, good, or even badly since that would only serve to prove them right. Yikes! And help! Anything you say to me would be helpful.
In cultures where a man might have a wife and a mistress, there is the expectation that the wife fulfills the practical roles and the mistress is for fun. Even in polyamory relationships, it’s not unheard of for one relationship to be about fun and the other about practicality. I’ve not noticed it consistently working well, and do see resentments occasionally building from it.
Since polyamory is not (in theory) really supposed to be about the wife/mistress paradigm, it’s reasonable that you really don’t want to be the one whose role is mostly duty. However, if you choose to hold yourself apart, you’re giving a signal that you’re not wanting attention or to participate in the fun activities, and you’re making that choice for yourself. I know, it can be a pride thing. You can reframe pride to a point where you’re too proud not to express your wants *grin*. Honest, it can be done. Asking to spend time with someone you love isn’t needy. The patient Griselda act doesn’t work. In fact, see The Brave Little Toaster for a complete genius of an analysis of this. *grin* (Speaking of jealousy, I’m mildly jealous that one of the best columns here was not one of mine! — only a little. Rainy is a delightful writer)
Part of this is the “new and shiny” syndrome (known in polyamory circle sas NRE or New Relationship Energy). If you have a habit of going from obsession to obsession, you get absorbed in whatever is new. I expect that’s part of what is going on with your husband and girlfriend. However, don’t you have some fun, new and shiny going on with your girlfriend, too? You stated you’re excited about the relationship.
It’s okay to say, “Look, I don’t want my relationship with you to be solely in terms of practicality and bill-paying. I love you and want to have fun with you, too. Can we schedule something?”
It does seem like there is a lot of labelling going on. “The Fun One”, “The Needy One”. I won’t say roles are worthless, but don’t get too into that. Treating people as individuals with individual wants and needs often works out pretty well in relationships in general.
While it would be unrealistic to expect a lot of support from your friends in this if they’re not poly, do yourself a favor. If you’re getting consistent comments, sit back and analyse them. They can sometimes have a point. Sometimes they’re entirely from a monogamy perspective and not all that useful, but sometimes they can be big screeching reality checks. Try to figure that out.
I think this person deserves a pat on the back for first realizing exactly what triggers the jealousy. I had a similar issue where I wanted to be involved in all the fun they were having (but not labeling myself as boring, just wanting to be included). In the end, I solved it by myself but just talking about it helped lessen it.
Brilliant. *smiles*
My husband and I have struggled with this issue, though I was never able to discribe my internal issues with nearly the clarity your letter writter has. Your advice seems spot on.
We’ve found a bit of relief in setting aside at least two days a week for my husband and I to simply hang out together – no family business that can be put off for another night, no ticking off of schedules and making of lists… just enjoying one another’s company. Not only does this allow time for us to reconnect as a couple, it prevents us from becoming entirely absorbed in other relationships and keeps me from feeling like an anchor rather than a lover.
The stress level has certainly decreased, but more importantly, I haven’t noticed those resentments building up in the back of my mind like they had been.
Again, excellent advice and good luck to the letter writer.
Interesting blog. I’m glad this works for you. It must work for a few oddballs like yourself. But in reality you are nothing to your husband. Sounds like you work together. Is it the financial aspects that keep you together? Why don’t you just have the courage to be single? Then have all the lovers you like? Why bother being married? Ridiculous
Jenz, what makes you assume you actually know how a stranger feels for another?
Coming at this from a different perspective, I’m almost terrified of being the new person entering an established relationship. I’ve met and connected well with one partner, but have yet to meet the other. Will she like me? Will she be jealous? Will she and I hit it off amazingly well? It’s a big step for all involved and I don’t have a lot of experience in this regard.
And Jenz, you lost the rest of us after “Interesting blog.”
Hello, I was the new person. The “fun one” for a while. And yes, resentment built. And yes, it was rocky and ouchy and very not fun. The long and short of it — He & I had more hobbies in common, and his wife saw that as me being “the fun one”. Much fighting, crying and therapy later, we’re working it out. But let me say, from this perspective, this is a really crappy place to be. You sit there, as they fight and inside your head is spinning “is this really b/c of me? Did I do/not do something to that made this marriage so wobbly?” and so on and so forth. I’ve yet to meet – though I know they’re out there — anyone who comes into a poly relationship with the goal of ousting an existing member.
Oh, and btw, after 5 years now, I pick up just as many dirty socks and dishes, and handle just as many practical chores as either of them do. Balance is achieved by necessity mostly, and a chore list posted doesn’t hurt either.
I won’t speak to the inside of your friend’s head, nor your husbands, but what we found was that once we sat down and actually all talked to each other, while cool-headed, in a non-accusatory manner, we were able to see what was going on, and actually work to fix it. In our case, his wife truly enjoys a significant amount of alone time, but also needs to know that if she comes down for attention, it will be granted. He & I like to work on our various projects in the same room. So what we compromised to was that she could come down whenever, but if we were busy, we’d ask her to wait for a moment, or to come back in a few minutes, ect. when we were able to devote the attention to her. Its working rather well, even though I did have doubts about it. Your situation and mileage may vary, but I can’t think of any situation that can’t be made better by open, honest, non-accusatory conversation. (Yeah, I know, not the easiest thing to do).
Hope you can work this out to everyone’s contentment.
Nope it’s not a situation that many ppoele are open too, and yes Jealousy plays a BIG part of that. I haven’t watched this show & don’t intend to. What I would like to see is other forms of Poly relationships. You can be Poly & not all live together. House full of men? Welllllllllllllll maybe as a trial run, but they BETTER do the dishes AND have fantastic aim in the bathroom!! LOL!! Love is love whether it be for 1 or several. I love my lover in the same way I love my husband. I’ve been with both for the same amount of years. Shared alot with both (and NO, not together at the same time trust me I get asked that ALOT). I feel the human heart sure can have room for more than one love.
I thank Kate for her bravery in giving her perspective.
I also am in a Poly relationship which is I think recovering from my side of what seemed a lot like what Kate was going through.
I wound up in therapy too. Developed a nasty problem to “fix” what I could not fix inside my head and heart. I too felt the same thoughts and my reactions to the situation continued to reinforce my negative thoughts.
I have started rebuilding my relationship with my other partner, the other female, and I am working hard on making it work. It’s certainly not been an easy road for me, but I have the best of outcomes as a goal for all of us, and I try and focus on that everyday now.
Wow! Amazing topic. I used to live for the type of relationship your talking about. I have played both female roles too! ‘wife’ & the ‘fun one’ I can truly say I never felt jealous as the wife because I was always very dominant & secure. If I wanted attention I simply took it being wife I felt I deserve first priority always. As the ‘fun one’ I was always careful to NEVER overstep a certain line. I always focused my attentions on the ‘wife’ which in a way manipulates the ‘husbands’ attention back to his wife. Always making for a very wonderful time. No hard feelings because I guess I always had an inside on what it feels like to be the ‘wife’ now im older & I prefer a boring one on one relationship but when I was younger I had the best of both worlds. It is possible to enjoy this type of relationship if its what you as the ‘wife’ wants & I feel the key is the level of control you maintain in this relationship because your husband is yours & she is your girlfriend. Best to pick a woman you not only able to be friends with but can be passionatly attracted to. If the two of you can have as much fun together as you & your husband then when they are playing together you may not feel jealous because you will be secure in your place in this relationship. The worst thing you can do is seek advice from someone who doesn’t understand the more relaxed open treats life can give a relationship including marriage. I hope you find the balance, security & freedom such a wonderful thing can offer. Nothing says sexy loving like enjoying time alone with your girlfriend while your husband is away!!! Best of wish’s!!!
Yes, Cathy, you are right, which is why most discussion of same-sex mairgare among gay people centers around the legal rights, benefits and protections. There isn’t really any but about it now that Lawrence has struck down the enforcement of consensual same-sex sodomy.We already form the relationships and make the commitments. Any sacredness that applies is independent of the law.I resist shifting things so that mairgare means anything other than the legal status in these discussions, because common usage applying to straight couples is that the word specifically means only the legal part. We use other terms to discuss committed couples who are not legally married.Polygamy is less clear, because it really isn’t discussed much, but I think that most people consider it to be a form of mairgare, which is why terms like polyamorous relationships come into play.