I ran across a post not too long ago asking how one could know if one were polyamorous or not. I break a bit with a lot of the poly community who see being polyamorous as something of a genetic condition rather than a personal taste. I see where they’re coming from and all, but I’m not sure it’s as ingrained as all that. I think it’s a spectrum. There are polyamorous people who cruise happily along with a single partner much of the time. There are polyamorous people who aren’t dating anyone at the moment. There are polyamorous people who are miserably unhappy unless they date lots of people most of the time. There’s a wide range out there. I’d say that if you’re open to the idea of more than one sexual/romantic relationship, you’re all good with self-identifying as poly, if that takes your fancy.
Other than enjoying one’s relationships, I’m not sure that there really is some acid test that’ll tell for sure whether or not one is poly. I also think a more useful question to ask, rather than, “Am I polyamorous?” is “Are my relationships working?” Being polyamorous is not a Get Out of the Human Race Free card. Sometimes you make mistakes in relationships, even when you’re poly.
There are some basic things you can look for when you’re thinking about
- You’re Happy
I want to separate “happy” from “things being perfect”. Life is never perfect. But if you’re enjoying your relationships some majority of the time, that counts. You love your partner(s), enjoy spending time with them, and are fine with dealing with life as it comes to you.
- Your Partners are Happy
If you’ve got a partner up in the bedroom crying most of the time about something, Things Aren’t Working. Either there’s a depression issue that needs to be dealt with, or your relationship(s) aren’t working – or both. That happens, too.
But when things are working, your partner(s) are going to be happy with you.
- You’re Focusing on Living and Relationships Rather Than Polyamory as a Concept
Unless you’ve made a vocation out of Thinking About Polyamory[1], there’s a lot of stuff you won’t notice. If your husband’s girlfriend has a flat tire and you go help, then get on happily with your day, glad she’s not stranded by the side of the road, yep, that’s a good sign things are going well. If you’re checking in on everyone’s schedule, not because you’re grinding your teeth about the complexity, but are just making plans, yeah, that’s another good sign. If you’re in the mindset of “I don’t have a lifestyle, I have a life” then it’s probably a good sign that your relationships are working out for you.
I really do think that at the end of the day, it’s not about “Am I Polyamorous?” It’s about having the relationship or relationships that work for you and make you happy. You ensure this by choosing partnerships where you’re good for each other, and is less about relationship form. It’s the people involved that count.
But that’s awesome, because relationships are about people, not theory, right?
[1] And even those of us who do have a tendency just to live our lives and forget about that after awhile, ya know.
I also think a more useful question to ask, rather than, “Am I polyamorous?” is “Are my relationships working?”
Agreed. Years ago I found that when talking with persons of possible romantic interest, it’s more useful to me to ask “How do you do poly?” than “Are you poly?” “Are my relationships working?” seems like a self-directed version 🙂
True words! I couldn’t agree more, both with that the Goddess wrote and the previous commentee.
Very wise post. Polyamory is such a individual thing both from a relationship and an individual perspective. I believe I could have been polyamorous during my marriage and it may have saved it. But my then husband wasn’t interested so I ended it. My current partner is poly but I am happy to be mono as I feel like I get all the love and emotional input I need. We started our relationship while he had a SO who wasn’t interested in being a primary with him. If that relationship ends I doubt whether he would seek to replace it.
[i]I also think a more useful question to ask, rather than, “Am I polyamorous?” is “Are my relationships working?”[/i]
So what is the take-away message here? That if one’s relationships work, look no further?
It may be that a person has relationships that work, and is happy. But in my case, I only thought I was happy. In reality I was feeling like an misfit because following the societal lead of a single lover didn’t seem correct for me. However, I had no name for what I was feeling, and sometimes failing to label a thing can lead to failing to understand it.
It’s not always about pure happiness. Sometimes it’s about searching and exploring unknown territory (which may make you uncomfortable and [i]unhappy[/i] for a while!).
Had I only focussed on my ‘relationship’ I never would have discovered the poly lifestyle. But by viewing polyamory as a ‘thing’ – much like we view marriage, or political persuasion or religious preference – then a person can ask categorical questions, like “am I poly”. It’s a perfectly legitimate question. Sometimes we veer so far away from labelling that we miss opportunities to expand ourselves.
If you “only think” you’re happy, chances are that you know at some unconscious level that you’re not happy. Not the same thing.