Okay, go read the title. Then think a minute.
Damn right one of your partners having a baby is going to change things. Jesus, where’s your brain? Reams of paper go out with printed whinging about fathers who feel jealous of the attention their wives give their new babies. It’s something even monogamous people have to deal with. What in hell makes you think you’re so special?
Okay, rant aside, will a partner having a baby change your relationship for the worse?
It doesn’t have to, but that depends on a lot of things. Like, oh… Do you like babies and small children? If you don’t, friend, you’re facing issues in this department. Having a new baby is like NRE only more so. The average new parent tends to be a bit gaga about the new baby. It seems weird from the outside, but all that silly play and goofiness is important, because it makes the baby grow right.
Me? Well, in the last couple of years, my own polyamorous relationships have been a bit baby-centric and I rather like it, but I like babies and I like playing with small children. I’m also a parent, myself, so as far as the whole baby thing? Getting to enjoy playing with ’em when I don’t have to deal 24/7 is a treat. Kinda grandparenting lite, I suppose. If you really like babies, you’re all good. Play, have fun. When the baby’s asleep, play and have grown-up fun –from intellectual discussions to something more physical.
But what if that isn’t your thing? Do you have to abandon your loves as being Lost to Breederhood?
Not if you don’t want to, but it will be useful to accept a few things.
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New parents are temporarily insane.
No, it’s not your imagination. If parents of very small children seem a little crazy, it’s because they are. You know how I go on and on in this blog about the dangers of sleep deprivation? Those dangers are real and the average new parent is damned sleep-deprived. Keep that in mind, and be patient. It gets better, but it takes a few years.
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Being a new parent is like being in NRE up to eleven
Ever notice how most new parents think their baby is the most perfect, beautiful, intelligent creature ever to grace mankind, when all you see is a smelly, squalling, red-faced lump who has turned your brilliant love’s mind into a pile of goo? That infatuation with the kid perpetuates the human race, friend. The same chemicals that drive NRE are keeping those people from selling that baby up the river.
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Even new parents like to remember that they’re something besides food, cuddling and diaper-changing machines
When The Prince and I had our son, we used to occasionally refer to ourselves as the baby’s keepers. Everyone was all excited to see the baby, but dammit, we were still intelligent adults who liked to debate politics and unscrew the inscrutable. But noo…. Everyone wanted to get out the stuffed animals and make the baby laugh. Gah!
If you’re not majorly into babies and are involved with a new parent, you can be someone who helps remind them that they’re more than baby keepers. Those intelligent conversations might have to be a bit more carefully scheduled, but they can still happen. Your loves will enjoy it, trust me.
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Spontaneity in terms of getting together has gone bye-bye
Sorry. I know that sucks. But if you value the relationship, you’re going to have to suck it up and deal with scheduling.
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That communication thing is still important
You know the temporary insanity thing I talked about? It’s okay to communicate how you feel in the face of it. Boundaries, negotiation, love, caring and all that stuff still count and it’s still important. Don’t neglect it.
So, the short answer is YES, one of your partner’s or partner’s partners having a new baby will change your relationship and how you interact. So does adding a new partner. So does a lot of things. That’s okay. It’s all in how you handle it. But keep an open mind, because it can be fun.
Sheesh, fill just about anything into the blank of “Will a baby change my [time for pursuing my hobby, the tenor of my relationship/s and interactions with friends, ability to travel spontaneously, etc.]”, and the answer is going to be yes.
As you said, not necessarily for the WORSE, but it will change.
I’m really glad that my partners and I have gotten to share the experience of parenting and being poly . . . and having three pairs of hands and three hearts and minds devoted to a child works out a LOT better and easier (for us) than having one parent, as when my daughter was born.
(Mama Java knows this, but I’m the third partner in a triad with a married couple who had a child a few years into our relationship, who is now 3, and I also have an 18-year-old daughter from a previous marriage, who views my partners as close friends and family members, although not co-parents because they didn’t meet until she was 10-ish.)
There are a lot of different roles that can be played here, depending on where the relationships between the adults stand and what kind of role this person wants to take in the child’s life. But even if you’re a FWB who only sees the parents every once in a while and never plans on spending any time with their kid, having a child *changes* people and you need to be ready for their schedules, priorities, attitudes, and interests to potentially be in flux.
Very, VERY good advice here. Was the question seriously that short/phrased that way?? o_O
— A <3
No-one actually asked me a question. But since FWB and Button have a baby and are expecting another in August, it was on my mind.
Like I said, I like babies and small children, so it’s cool for me. But chaçon à son goût. Not everyone does.
It has surely made dating outside my “primary” relationship difficult. Funny thing I remember my single parent co-worker being worried her “market value” in the dating world would depreciate upon her pregnancy. As a good friend I reassured her it wouldn’t hinder her so called status. Boy was I wrong, well at least about what it has done to me. It was already hard enough finding potential amours after telling them I already had a girlfriend. Now I can hear and feel the jerk as I’m thrusted into the “friend zone” after stating I’m a father and my girlfriend are in a open relationship.