Dear Goddess of Java,
I was recently tested for all STDs and found, to my delight, that I have no STDs. I felt relief and actually thought about calling someone to tell them… but then I thought, whom should I call? I called my primary partner, of course, because it was mostly for him that I was tested. But what about my casual sex partners from the past few months? Is telling someone that you have no STDs similar to telling them that you do have STDs?
What does it mean that I am STD-free? I already practice safer sex. Is this a condition that I should work harder to retain? If I meet a prospective partner who does the responsible thing and discloses possible exposure or a positive status, am I required due to my previous relationships to take greater steps to preserve my STD-free state if I want to have sex with previous partners? If I do have sex with the STD-positive partner, should I inform my other partners before or after? Do they get a say in whether or not I have sex, or what safer-sex practices I get to use? I’m just not sure what the most responsible and respectful thing to do is in this situation.
First off, congrats on the clean bill of health. That’s good. I hope you’re using good safer sex practices or that you’ll continue to do so.
As far as whom to tell? If you want to announce the good news you can but I wouldn’t think it necessary unless you’re asked. Of course one must contact anyone who has been exposed if you test positive for an STD and have them get tested, even if no-one is asking you. That’s information that a responsible person volunteers at the first available opportunity. I expect you knew that.
I don’t know what safer sex measures you’re taking, so it’s hard to make a specific recommendation. I’ve recommended Polyamory, STDs and Safer Sex before and I’ll do it again. It outlines some excellent guidelines and gives some great information that’s neither scare tactics nor foolish.
Now, if you have a prospective who has been exposed to an STD (and good that honest disclosure is going on, by the way), you have lots and lots of options. The first and the most important option? Ask your other partners what they would like to have happen in terms of risk management. It’s not that you’re required to do so by the Official Polyamory Handbook or anything, but you don’t want to be a jerk. Do I personally listen to partners’ input on what they’re comfortable with in terms of safer sex practices? My word yes. I love my partners. I want them to feel comfortable. I care about their health!1 While I won’t tolerate being dictated to, my partner selection is such that I’m involved with people whose judgment I consider good, which means that yeah, I’m going to consider input carefully.
I strongly encourage you to discuss risk tolerance with your partners. Asking partners for their input, how they feel and what they want before making your decision is the most loving and respectful thing you can do. What random strangers with a rep for being hyper-practical think about risk assessment might be okay in terms of a reality check, but it’s your partners who are (or should be selected carefully enough that they can be) your trusted advisors. Get everyone to do some research and then get together and talk about it.
As a side note? I dislike the OHHH, Leprosy-style reaction a positive on an STD test. I think it discourages frank discussion and intelligent risk management. People don’t like to reveal information if they’re going to be shamed for it, so I think the shaming nonsense is a terrible idea. Have a sense of proportion about it!
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1 You know, polyamory. Love? It’s a factor, after all.
I will be more sanguine when reports of antibiotic-resistant STDs stop cropping up in my Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report. Not everything has a magic bullet. Sometimes said magic bullets start to fail after a while. Also, antibiotics and I don’t get along very well; it’s not just ten days of penicillin, it’s ten days of nonstop ginger that I will likely spend in close proximity to a toilet. This is why they don’t give me -cillins anymore. So yes, people who want to be involved with me and mine get to know exactly where I stand on this from the word go. Other people can have all the STDs they want, and choose to be with as many people with as many microbes as their bodies can manage. I can and will make exceptions to protect myself.
As a retired nurse epodsmioligiet in STDs for 25 years, oral sex can be a source of spread in HSV I from the mouth to the genitals because viral cells start to shed even before one feels the tingling in one or more spots in or around the outside of the mouth. A lot of people think you have to have an open sore but, unfortunately it spreads long before the open sore and even after the sore closes and there is a pink spot, viral cells are still shedding. We done several lab tests to see how long the virus lived on a damp towel and it lived for an hour which is sad that someone with an open sore goes in the shower and when drying off, they dry with the towel over the sore and hang the towel up only to have another family member go in and have a shower and use the same towel and then a new spread starts.
I just read this article 48 hours after having had my (all negative) STI test results back. I’ll be telling every partner about those results (regular or casual) I’ve been sexually active with in the last three months; that makes three conversations to have, one of which I’ve had already. I may possibly tell my ex as well (we broke up in January) as I’d not been tested recently before we broke up.
Sexual safety and openess with my partners is essential. Transparency and communication come to mind right up front. Think about this: If one person had three partners who each had three partners what would your risk factor be? Ok so then couple a bit of casual sex somepalce along the chain…..Hmmmm kinda mind boggling for something everyone loves so much, huh! So heres what I suggest. Talk with your partners and have a group meeting, even online would work. Create a fluid bonding agreement and stick to the rules. Ours is not designed to take away from sexual activity, but is diesigned for some safety. Yes we do have risk, however we feel it is minimised. The basics of ithe agreement are follows: Four dates before sex, were trying to build relationships and trust here not just act on lust. Sexual touching, playing , kissing caressing etc all ok, No exchange of fluids allowed. meaning recieving oral ok but not giving…sorry! Penetration allowed with a condom or other protective ok. If you want unprotected sex you will need a blood test ( you will 3 months of protected sex with outside sources first) and then anyone outside of tested group will need protection. Yes i did quite a few things out here but you get the gist. I suggest you need to develope your own agreement.
After my (so far clean) STI tests, I tell my primary partner, my longest-term secondary partner (even though we don’t have PIV sex), and anyone else who I think should know. That would probably include recent casual hookups, though I rarely have those.