What to do when a secondary female is trying get the primary male to breakup with the primary female in a polyamorous relationship?
This was not an Ask the Misanthrope Question, but a search term that appeared to link to this blog. In casting around for a topic upon which to write, I figured this was a good one.
If you do primary/secondary poly (and not all do) there is a time-honored and wonderful response to this.
Not a goddamned thing.
No, don’t look at me like I have three heads. I’m serious on this one. While I really do, no kidding, believe in being proactive, this isn’t in your hands. If your primary wants to stay, s/he’ll stay. If s/he doesn’t, s/he won’t. Simple, simple, easy-peasy. Ultimately, you’re being done a favor, no matter how much it might hurt or suck in the face of it. And yeah, losing a partner hurts and sucks. I’m not trying to blow that off, ’cause, man… Ouch. You can feel like someone’s performing an autopsy on your living body in the process. I get that.
But…
If another person really can break up a relationship between yourself and a love, you need to let it happen. Seriously. Otherwise, you’ve got someone who is only half-heartedly committed or interested. Who wants or needs that crap? You’re only going to be let down, and maybe in a worse way than is facing you.
If the relationship can’t be broken up, then you’ve got some tempered steel there in the relationship that is truly awesome, wonderful and valuable. Try to be worthy of it!
Now, maybe you favor a little more communication than what I’ve advised. You know, communication can be good, too. So, here’s some things you can say:
“I love you and want to stay with you. I am concerned about what’s going on. Do you want to stay with me?”
Ain’t nuttin’ wrong with asking for what you want and saying how you feel. This can take some courage, especially if you’re feeling insecure. But if you’ve got a good relationship with someone who tells you the truth,* you’ll get the truth and will have somewhere to go from there.
“I see <secondary> doing <foo>, <foo1>, and <foo2>. It worries me. What do you think about it?”
You have to be absolutely concrete about behavior here. You might have a “feeling”, but unless there’s behavior to hang it on, discussions about it aren’t going to be very productive. In fact, if there’s nothing concrete to hang it on, your best bet is to observe rather than be reactive. In this instance, once you’ve identified the behavior, you’re still not interpreting it. You’re also showing that you’re open to learning what’s going on. You’ve got a concern, you’re bringing it up and you’re willing to listen to the answer.
But the big takeaway here is that no matter what, if you’re looking for a magic formula to enforce a specific dynamic, it ain’ta gonna happen. If you’re looking for advice on “how to keep your man”, I can’t help you. I don’t even think it’s wise. If he wants to go, let him go. I hope you’re too stinkin’ proud to remain in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be there, anyway. Certainly you deserve better.
_________________________
* If you have a partner that habitually lies to you, that’s an entirely different problem.
As I read the first half of this post I was creating a response in my head that turned out to be fairly close to the second half! While I certainly agree that you have no control over what does or doesn’t happen between other people, I’m a big fan of making sure I’ve said something if there’s something bothering me. That way no one can claim ignorance and are at least making an informed (if not wise or responsible, in my opinion) choice.
Thanks for this blog, by the way! I just found it last month. I <3 your attitude and writing style!
(Long-time delurker, delurking)
I’ve been chewing this post over in my head over in my head all afternoon. It’s a situation I found myself in over and over again over a period of years, and I fought like hell for my marriage, and I won every time, until the time I didn’t… and that was the best thing that ever happened to me. Come to realize that “women who make a hobby of sabotaging my primary relationship” was not a bug of my ex’s sexual tastes, it was a feature.
In response to this:
I would also like to add: if you have a “feeling” but can’t articulate the “behavior to hang it on,” you should also consider the possibility that you are being gaslighted. That’s certainly not always the case, but it’s something to explore.
Thank you for posting this. It’s IMPORTANT.
I’m sorry you went through such rough times, Beth.
The thing about gaslighting is (thank goodness!) it is possible to verify the behavior, but it’s a matter of starting to document, document, document. After that, it’s really clear.
Oh, thanks for that! Rough times happen and we learn from them. *shrug* My marriage didn’t survive the poly, but my poly survived the marriage, and I’m a better and happier person for it, and in much healthier relationships now. 🙂
So, so true!
I agree with this on principle, and it’s what I’ve always said in the past. The most common question people have asked me about what was first my open marriage and is now a poly one was “Aren’t you afraid he’s going to meet someone he likes better than you? What then?” to which my answer was always “then maybe he should be with her.”
However, it gets more complicated if children are involved. There is value to my husband and I being together that is additional and independent of the joy we get from being together. So I would want either of us to think long and hard about whether it’s worth ending the relationship if that becomes the case. Not to say I would stay with him “for the kid” if we were unhappy, but a simple comparison of personal happiness between two possible primary relationships would not consider all the relevant variables.
Fortunately, right now, it’s not a problem. We’re happy in our marriage. We both understand that the kid adds some complication to our decision-making process. His girlfriend has mentioned that she sometimes “wants him all to herself” but knows she can’t, and he has made it very clear to her that an ultimatum would not benefit her.
Ah, life is complicated.
I don’t consider being a parent an exception to this. I’m less interested in an undedicated parenting partner than I am in an undedicated romantic partner.
I’m a parent and I’m… a bit stern in what I consider good parenting.
This is so awesome : ) Sent all over twitter.
Thanks for this. My partner of over fifteen years recently left me for someone else, and while I intellectually know all the things you have stated, I sometimes slip back into trying to construct logical arguments for why he is wrong. Your post helped bump me out of that rut and back into the realization that wrong or not, his choices are his own. Why would I want to maintain a relationship with someone who has demonstrated so little investment in it?
Being left sucks and it hurts. I’m sorry you went through that. However, being alone is a million times better than being with the wrong partner. So, here’s to enjoying whatever comes!