This podcast: http://www.thestranger.com/SavageLovePodcast/archives/2012/09/11/savage-love-episode-307
talks about coming out to your parents about being polyamorous. Dan, however, doesn’t have a lot of experience and requested those who do to write in. I suggested your blog as a great resource and I think it would be great if you directed your readers to share their insights with this more-than-couple.
Okay, I haven’t had a chance to listen to the podcast in question. I might get to it during my knitting tonight, but no promises).
However yes, yes, yes, I’d love for people to tell their poly coming out to parents stories if they want to share them. Excellent idea, and thank you for suggesting it.
My parents asked if I was dating anyone. I said that X, Y and I were seeing each other. We had a few stormy days of conversations on topics ranging from committment, to STD risks and wait you are bi? and things have been quietly fine since then. I got lucky.
my dad says, “are you happy?” i say, “yes, very.” he says, “well, good, then. i want you do do whatever makes you happy.” and that’s pretty much the end of it. ten years later, i’m marrying my primary partner, in a ceremony that two of my lovers will participate in. i’m getting married at home on my farm, and 125 of my best friends will be there. so i come out to my mom. i give her a pre-prepared speech, about 6 months before the wedding (don’t want to surprise her) that covers things like STIs and jealousy and how happy we are. at the end she says, “why are you telling me this?” i say, “i didn’t want you to be the only person at my wedding who didn’t already know.” she is aware that this means that EVERYONE else in my entire life knows this about me and i had hithertofore concealed it from her. this statement is followed by a long, heavy silence on her part. finally i say, “you’re not required to have an opinion.” she says, “good.” in a final, door-closing sort of way, and gets up to get more orange juice. end of conversation.
she did fine at the wedding, too, mostly by avoiding things. two years later, she was out to my place for thanksgiving, and did her level best to treat all my lovers like real human beings who were deserving of civilty and courtesy. so, without talking any more about it, we’ve come a long ways.
I was in a poly relationship when my mother was terminally ill. Part of me wanted to tell her, especially since my OSO was giving me a lot of emotional support, but I think it would have only caused argument and distress at a time when we already had more than enough. I’m still sad that I wasn’t able to be open with her about this, but I’ve never doubted that it was the right call. She loved me, but there were things she didn’t understand.
A couple of years after she died, my father told us that he had a girlfriend (my brother had already figured this out). I thought that was as good a time as any to come out to him.
Initially he was a little hurt that I hadn’t told him earlier, but we got past that pretty quickly. His girlfriend was very accepting, and I introduced both of them to my OSO a little while later (or re-introduced, since he’d already met her as a friend of mine).
My wife’s mother was also reasonably accepting. We’d recently seen a movie together that involved a couple keeping their relationship secret, with unfortunate consequences, and we used that as a talking point to explain why we came out.
Both of them had some concerns about how this would affect our kid, but we were able to tell them: “he already knows and he’s not fussed about it”.
Unfortunately the relationship broke up just a few months later, rather messily. But at least my wife was able to tell our parents “Geoffrey’s feeling fragile at the moment because he just broke up with —“. IMHO one of the biggest reasons to be out is that it simplifies things if and when Bad Stuff happens, whether that be a break-up, illness, or death.
Since my OSOs have all been long-distance, it would be pretty easy to conceal the relationship from him, and indeed I haven’t specifically told him about my current OSO. But there’s a big gap between “avoiding telling” and “hasn’t come up in conversation”.
My mother does not quite take my relationships seriously. I mean, she knows they are relationships, but sees it almost as some hippy free-love thing she remembers from when she was younger, not serious committed relationships. Though she really likes my mate, and we’ve been together around 12+ years.
Sigh. (writing a bit late, wondering if anyone will read this…) I don’t know how to come out to my family. They love me, but they don’t know this side of me at ALL. My wife and I have pretty much agreed to keep it very very close, so none of our friends know, either. Yes, yes, years ago I had an affair, but that my LDR continues? Nobody knows that. I don’t know how to change that. I’m in a small town, blah blah. I could really use some help on this…
I recently told my mother about my guys. Her only concern was whether or not the word “harem” should properly be applied to a group of men.
When I came out to my parents, I found out that when they met they were both in open marriages. (Though they ended up parting ways, mostly-amicably, from their previous spice, to be monogamous with each other.) That was… unexpected. Though maybe it shouldn’t have been; they are, in many ways, stereotypical liberal intellectuals.