So, me (26 F) and my partner (37 M) have been in what we call a monogamish relationship pretty much since the beginning four years ago. I’ve slept with many, many dudes, and he’s also had the odd sexual adventure. We’ve both agreed that we want an open relationship in the future, but neither of us has ever really had an ongoing physical and emotional relationship with another boyfriend or girlfriend. Until about two months ago, when my partner started dating a girl who he genuinely likes. And she genuinely very much likes him.
What I’m struggling with is that he and I have been having relationship problems for about a year, entirely separate from our polyamorous lifestyle. I was already feeling very insecure and anxious before he started seeing her. Now, their relationship seems to have brought all my fears . I’m trying my hardest to separate my feelings about him and I from my feelings of him and her, but I can’t help but feel like he’s retreating into the other relationship as a way to avoid me because I don’t make him happy anymore.
Obviously, the solution here is to try harder to make him happy so that he voluntarily chooses to spend time with me, but I really can’t help but let this anxiety affect my interactions with him.
Any advice?
If you were having problems before the relationship got started, I’m wondering why you two thought that things would turn out well by adding new people, of course. It’s a dumbassed thing to do.*
Unfortunately, you’ve got the new partner in the relationship, that partner is a person with feelings, too, and so there’s no way in hell I’m going to say to kick her out. That’d be a bit cruel. And in sober truth, you don’t get to make that call.
I’m uncomfortable with the idea that the onus is all on you to be the pleaser in the relationship. I mean yeah, yeah, the idea is that people in relationships are nice to each other because they love each other and all. That’s true. But this isn’t a contest where the best pleaser gets the most cookies, you know.
Do you want more time with your partner? Ask.
Do you want to know what your partner feels? Ask.
Really, no kidding. You say, “Honey, I’m feeling like you and I aren’t doing well and part of the reason you want this other relationship is because we’re not doing well and it’s a way to avoid that. Is this true?”
If your partner habitually tells you the truth, you’re golden. You’ll know. And after you know, then you can decide what to do from there.
If your partner doesn’t? Mebbe you need a new partner.
______
* I assure you this is not a high horse. I’ve done it, too.
This sentence sets off all kinds of alarm bells for me:
“Obviously, the solution here is to try harder to make him happy”
The “obviously” more than anything else.
I’ve been in a relationship like that and I now recognize that it was broken and abusive all along. I spent way too long feeling like the problem was that I didn’t do enough to make her happy and that I needed to improve so as to make her happy and be worthy to be with her. It took things going really bad and out of my control for me to get out of that situation, and even longer afterwards to rebuild my self esteem enough to recognize what she had been doing to me all along.
Obviously I don’t know the people involved and every relationship is different, but my immediate reaction is RUN, don’t walk, away from the guy who makes you feel like you should ever say that the solution is to “try harder to make him happy”, let alone that that is “obvious”!
I’m really sorry you went through such a thing. But I’m glad you’re not in it any more and are willing to share what you’ve learned from it.
I have to say, that sentence made me wonder a bit, too. She seems to think the onus is on her to make the effort, more than on him – which to me suggests she thinks that she needs him more than he needs her / that she wants to be with him more than he wants to be with her / that she has more to lose if the relationship breaks down than he does.
If she is reading this, I’d be interested to know whether she does think/feel something like this, and if so (and I’m only speculating and may well be completely wrong) whether that feeling is connected to him having another girlfriend, rather than another set of casual sexual partners.
Does she think that if she leaves, he’ll be fine because he already has a girlfriend, and she won’t? Is she operating from a place where they both like having at least one serious partner and a few casual ones as well, but the partners are interchangeable?
Or is this more about her insecurities than him actually being a twit and not caring about her?
One would hope that he loves both her and his other girlfriend as individual human beings, and would feel their loss as individuals if anything happened with either relationship – that even if there was an element of relief at leaving a troubled relationship, it would still be sad. That he has relationships with human beings, rather than individual relationship slots.
Or, worst case scenario – he only really has one ‘serious girlfriend’ relationship slot, and is in the process of moving on, and there’s not much that can be done about it, and it would be undignified to try.
The conclusion’s pretty much the same, too – she should think about her fears, confront them, and talk to him to find out how he feels.