I was asked to answer question in an online forum and I could not resist making it a column.

Is wanting monogamy a sign of insecurity or weakness?

Is wanting to be in a monogamous relationship not only unrealistic but a sign of low self-esteem and fear of abandonment or is wanting and striving for these things completely healthy even if difficult?

Good Lord n’ Butter, no!

A) Most of our social structures support monogamy. It’s not unrealistic at all to want a monogamous relationship. It’s only been fairly recently that polyamory looks even vaguely realistic.

B) Anyone who tries to sell the “Polyamory is more emotionally developed and monogamous people are only that way because they’re insecure” line is selling you a load that cannot even be dignified with the synonym of crap. (Hey, at least bullshit make good fertilizer!)

Being polyamorous does not mean you are evolved

The reality is that plenty of secure people are happiest in monogamous relationships. Fear of abandonment or betrayal has nothing to do with relationship form, really. I am dubious, for instance, that cheating partners would be better, more open and more honest, as well as better about keeping agreements if they were polyamorous.

I don’t think monogamy is a cure for insecurity, or even a good palliative, though. In fact, I’d say that the best thing to do is do one’s best to learn how to treat oneself well, and how to be secure, THEN decide how one wants to order one’s relationships.

I also recognize that’s unlikely to happen in that order. The drive to form relationships and have sex is often quite strong long before emotional maturity happens.

I don’t know what the solution is. But for pity’s sake, don’t let anyone tell you that polyamory is more evolved or anything. People who are successful in relationships have the same traits, no matter the form. They communicate well, have good boundaries, are kind to their partners and are honest with them.