Ask the Misanthrope: Should We Break Up?

I’m single but I find myself loving a man who is poly. He told me on our first conversation that he was poly and I still chose to continue to see him. Now I love him, we have sex and he said it’s okay if I have sex with other people but I can’t do it. He also says no one is the priority in his life but I don’t believe him because whenever his partner of 5 years comes to our town he tells me he’ll be unavailable while she’s here and that hurts me. I have told him and he’s said that he loves me and cares about me but I don’t believe him. Does that sound like I should stop seeing him? Could I confront them both and ask for clarification? Meaning, could I get him to say in front of her that she’s not more important than his relationship/love for me?

Wow, this is… this is a lot to carry emotionally. I’m sorry, as you are clearly hurting.

First, being in a polyamorous relationship doesn’t require all partners to have multiple partners. If it is okay with your partner that you have other partners, good. But that doesn’t require you to do so if that’s not to your taste.

Let’s talk a little about priority and availability. So, you’re saying that when your partner’s partner (we sometimes use the term metamor) is visiting, he wants to give his attention to that partner during the visit.

Even in non-sexual relationships, you might have a friend visit, so you’re out of pocket to give attention to other people, ya know. I don’t see this as necessarily someone being a priority or not. I honestly kinda see it more as courtesy.

While there’s nothing wrong with asking to have a discussion (this is not a matter for confrontation, I think) with your partner and your partner’s partner, I think that discussion, in your case, is not going to be helpful.

For whatever reason, you don’t trust your partner. If you do not believe that he loves and cares for you, YES, YOU ABSOLUTELY OUGHT TO STOP SEEING HIM.

Screw who is prioritized or not or who is the mostest specialest (and if that’s what you need, honey, polyamory is going to be more painful than I’d advise for anyone to choose), the stark and painful reality is that you do not trust your partner.

The last sentence in your question did have me step back and frown a bit:

Meaning, could I get him to say in front of her that she’s not more important than his relationship/love for me?

I don’t know that you meant this, and certainly there’s a good chance you didn’t, but it sure has a flavor of wanting his partner to feel the pain you’re feeling at not being the most important priority.

Hurtin’ is one thing. Wantin’ to spread it around? Might wanna sit with that and decide if you really think that way, or if it’s pain talkin’. (Pain can say some mean shit, for sure).

If you really want to do yourself a big favor, hauling out why you do not trust your partner and giving it some serious examination would be useful.

Some questions to ask yourself:

• Does he do what he says he will do consistently without making excuses?
• Does he “Rules Lawyer” and try to explain why he didn’t “technically” break his word?
• When the two of you are together, do you have his full attention?
• Does he have good boundaries?
• Have you met other people in his life?
• How does he treat people with whom he is not romantically involved?

See where I am going with this? Is the fella trustworthy?

Even if he is, ya know, you don’t owe him relationship cookies if what you want is not a polyamorous relationship. You can move on to someone who is monogamous.

Working on yourself can only be a positive no matter what you choose, mind.