This week’s column is a guest piece by Edward Martin, III.
How do I “break the news” I’m poly?
This question rolls around a lot, especially on boards and meetings where there’s a lot of new folks, or folks that have just started dating, or aliens that have only recently arrived on Earth and haven’t quite figured out exactly how humans interact.
Maybe there’s a fourth category.
The basic question is this: “Gee, I’m poly and I’ve met this great person and want to ask them out on a date or two, but I’m not sure about the how and when of revealing that I’m poly. What should I do?”
A necessary digression:
First of all, note that this question – like so many other questions – never has to be asked more than once. Once you have an answer that works, you can pretty much use the same technique for everybody. If the answer you’ve been offered or that you’ve come up with can’t be used for practically all instances, you’ve probably just come up with an answer that’s not viable (my preference is solving General Equations, because I don’t like to do a lot of work – it’s like learning how to do addition, instead of memorizing all possible answers to all possible addition problems).
Second — and this is really important if you hate being redundant and doing redundant work over and over and over and over — is that you, personally, don’t have to come up with a solution. It’s true! Ever watch someone suffer horrible burns on their hands by grabbing a red hot stove element, and then wondering if maybe your Magical Powers will protect you if you grab the same element? No, because any idiot can see that a red-hot stove element will make you scream like a little girl if you touch it, and learning that lesson indirectly is tremendously better than learning it first-hand. (my sympathies to the people who burned their hands, but thank you for teaching me that danger!) Okay, where were we? Right – coming out to potential partners/lovers.
There are two ways of going about this. Follow along all the way to the end, though, because the two ways are very different from each other.
The first way is easy: They’ll figure it out. They’ll figure it out because they’ve hung around you, or hung around your friends. They’ll see you have at least one partner, probably more, and that everyone’s communicative, comfortable, and cool. Maybe they’ll see the family pictures on the wall*, or how the kids kiss four parents goodnight. They’ll see it at parties, or see it during dinner, or other social events. They’ve already been introduced to everybody, and have all the first names down.
The only big “reveal” here is of the potential interest (which, frankly, is obvious by this time).
Now, surely, there will be some folks who claim this is a sort of “time-traveling” solution, that you would have to go backwards in time to arrange for all of this before you belly up to the bar with your Special Digital Effect hanging out. What they call “time-traveling” I call “planning ahead.” Planning ahead takes very little breaking of the laws of physics. You just put things in the right order from the get-go. The “reveal” shouldn’t involve any sort of huge problem, if it’s placed near the end of the sequence. There’s the cart and there’s the horse. Hook them up in the right order and you find that you have lots more problem-solving brains left over for those really tough Sudoku challenges, and learning Cantonese.
“Planning ahead” is one of those things that separates adults from children, and humans from animals. You want to target “adult human,” in your brain so plan ahead. A mistake might happen, but there’s no reason for it to happen more than once (preferably, it happens to someone else where you can observe and learn).
Speaking of horses and carts, that brings me to the second way.
The second way is even easier: Don’t bother, because it’s not a high priority item for you. If it were important to you and the other person, if you wanted a Deep Meaningful Relationship With a Partner, then you would have put your horse and cart in the appropriate order. See “The First Way.” Enjoy the hot monkey sex and if it becomes an issue, then be casual and mature about it. It takes two (or more) to tango, and if none of the involved parties bothered asking, then it’s safe to assume that – should you want things to Go A Little Further – it’s just not a dealbreaker, high-priority kind of item.
Note that this is all reciprocal, by the way. If you’re being romanced by someone and they prioritize introducing you to the family and their social structure, then chances are pretty good this is what they consider important. If they instead prioritize tiling the floor with clothing, and you’re cool with that, then remember that if other issues come up later.
There is a third way, which involves only dating people who have already been clearly identified as poly, and of course, you can do that, but sometimes it just seems so incestuous. Besides, if you’re going to a priori limit your pool, you just might miss out on something really exciting. Good or bad, I suppose.
* this is how people who may appear to be single can reveal they’re poly, as well as provide an excellent example of how well they might speak of their exes. We don’t have to talk much about people who are single because of how venomous they are about their exes and soon-to-be-exes, naturally, because that’s one of those “duh” moments.
** Now, for those really rare birds that have no past, and make no conversation where they can slide in the fact that they are not sexually restrictive, their best bet is to assume nobody in their right mind would subscribe to a restrictive sexuality and act accordingly, which would probably (assuming they were acting in a mature fashion) include asking after other people their intended may be dating. If that dosn’t open the conversation up in the right direction, you might as well start rolling percentile dice.
I Have Something to Tell You © 2008, Edward Martin, III
Used by permission
All Rights Reserved
Edward Martin III’s a writer and filmmaker living in the Pacific Northwest. Other essays and reflections of his can be found at http://www.petting-zoo.org/NonFiction.html and his movies can be found at http://www.guerrilla-productions.org/ he also does these animations: http://www.petting-zoo.org/Hardcore.html
Arg. I like how well this is written but I just don’t agree that these two methods would work for everyone.
I’ve experienced that it works well for folks who’ve dated in a poly manner already – I’m not so sure it works well for folks new to the poly scene – those who’re usually asking.
It’s all well to say ‘rare birds that have no past’ but if one’s past is monogamous , then pictures on the wall reveal that, and sliding poly into conversation feels forced and awkward for the newbie.
I think that’s really the place many querents on the topic are coming from – ‘how do I reveal my paradigm has changed without being all awkward, or worse, creepy ?’
And, it works well for ‘one big happy’ style dating. If your life has significant overlap and that’s functional for you and yours, I’d say that’s ideal, in fact – for me, anyways, and probably for Edward, since he’s giving the advice,lol.
But not everyone lives – or dates – that way. Life on display might not work so well in those cases.
And one of Noel’s previous columns mentions that 4th category – those who prefer to remain in the closet. Life on display doesn’t jibe with that at all.
I agree wholeheartedly on the topic of how one speaks of one’s Ex’s though – there might be a venomous ex in the history, but if all of the Ex’s are spoken of frequently and with venom, RUN!
So I’m in the fourth category: the closet. I’m out to my wife and my partner’s wife, and perhaps a few other people on the planet who wouldn’t know what to do with the word “poly” but know that I have another relationship. But to the rest of the world? No f#$%ing way.
Now, as to the ex-es, one reason that my wife gets me on this topic is that she’s an ex, and we got back together, never really emotionally separating in the in-between. She knows my loves in between, loves some of them in her own way, wonders what I was doing with others, and so on. Same with me and her ex-es. We simply don’t get the people who don’t want to know about their partner’s pasts? Why wouldn’t you? It’s a beautiful source of love, loss, learning, and life. Plus, if you can’t be confident that the person you’re with is with you, why bother?!
So, when I told my wife the “I have something to tell you” line, she pretty much knew what was coming. I hadn’t known of poly until after this moment, so we fought our own way through these battles only with my partner in tow. We now look back at it and call it a trauma period. But we made it.
Meaning, I think this article misses the point. Many people wondering how to break the news want to tell their existing partners, and you can’t “plan ahead” for that one. People grow and change, and that’s the hard part to work through.
If someone’s not managed enough experience to have a few obvious trophies around, such as family photos or a family group of some sort, then at the very least, they can ask “So, who else are you seeing?” to the new person, as if this is the most normal question in the world. This has worked for me very well, even for “how do I reveal my paradigm has changed without being all awkward, or worse, creepy?”
People who try hard to remain secretive discover that it affects all aspects of their lives. They have to take a hard look at WHY they must remain secretive and either accept those restrictions in all aspects of their lives, or change the circumstances under which they feel they must be secretive.
“Planning ahead takes very little breaking of the laws of physics”
Great line.
My goodness, what a great piece. And I know I shouldn’t be all smiley at you mentioning Monkey Sex, but I am. i suppose I have poly.. er, hyperpoly wishes.
Having been married nearly 15 years, and now, newly single.. I am taking all this in wholeheartedly as i read it. It’s been a little strange getting back out there. And I guess it’s in my nature to be careful, especially when going after something some may consider to be a little less than normal.. sorry..
I have to say, no matter what, I’ve always thought it was important to be upfront with any poly tendencies, like you said, if it’s going to be something deep and meaningful then things such as meeting ones family..etc, would be something that should come shortly after the wooing period.
But, being just pain old poly, if both (or more) parties involved are truly in it just for fun, or for some hot monkey lovin’, then it’s only fair all involved should know. Now, I wasn’t the purest child before I got married, and usually the ‘fun’ was something that was obvious by all involved. I did get my hands burned a few times so to speak by something that was maybe to irresistible even though I was forewarned. (You’re welcome and I appreciate your sympathies) 😛
I do want to fall in love again one day, and I think I have to just trust my instincts, they’re usually pretty good.
When it comes to people being secretive, that should just be a red flag for something entirely different, whether it be a poly lifestyle, or the fact that they have an extra large freezer and a secret room full of mail order brides and farm animals.
This is just my own little warped opinion from Planet Mandi. It’s nice here in my little bubble.. wish I had more visitors :/
I like the “So, who else are you seeing?” line. What I’ve come up with to answer the “So, are you single?” question is some variation on “I’m not currently involved in any exclusive relationships.” If’n I get to know someone who I’m interested in who doesn’t already know me on LJ and/or Flickr, I’ll send ’em there, where “trophies” aka hints abound.
As someone who has many poly friends but doesn’t live the lifestyle, I MUCH prefer an open, up-front approach – TELL ME you are poly – then I can match my life experience to this relationship – be that friend or more.
In my case, the person immediately moves to the friend only column as my preference is for monogamous relationships. I can then nip any kind of desire for something more in the bud on my part and on their part. No one gets hurt and everone knows what is going on.
I have had bad experiences with someone waiting until I was “hooked” before reveiling their lifestyle choice – and it doesn’t work for me (and yes I have tried to be part of a poly relationship – it didn’t work for me for many reasons).
So be up front and honest – whats the worst thing that could happen? They say No…..or they don’t want to associate with you. Either way, you are better off knowing from the start.
Mandi writes “if it’s going to be something deep and meaningful then things such as meeting ones family..etc, would be something that should come shortly after the wooing period.”
Man, I can’t imagine wooing someone UNTIL they’ve met my family!
But yeah, open and upfront is good.
Emily writes “I’ll send ‘em there, where “trophies” aka hints abound.”
Yeah, sometimes i find conversation threads on poly lists that I’ll occasionally link someone to with a “Wow, talk about ass-kicking!” or something similar.
Sometimes people don’t want to see hints that disagree with their plans. As long as you account for that, you’ll probably do fine.
Amber writes “my preference is for monogamous relationships.”
Now here’s a question for you: If you subscribe to a restricted sexuality model for partners, isn’t it also YOUR responsibility to inform them of this? Not solely, mind you, but it’s not a lot different than any other restriction.
“I have had bad experiences with someone waiting until I was “hooked” before revealing their lifestyle choice”
Meet the family before getting “hooked.” If you have a relationship priority that SHOULD come before getting “hooked,” then make it happen BEFORE getting “hooked.” Such as asking “So, who else are you seeing?”
Now, this is not to say there aren’t some people out there who are just plain deceptive, but they’re assholes and you can dump them without feeling bad about it.
moc writes “So I’m in the fourth category: the closet. I’m out to my wife and my partner’s wife, and perhaps a few other people on the planet who wouldn’t know what to do with the word “poly” but know that I have another relationship. But to the rest of the world? No f#$%ing way.”
Well, the article is baout existing relationships and wooing someone new. So, that is definitely not the rest of the world — we’re talking about potential partners, or (gender)friends, or so forth.
If you consider yourself “in the closet” with an already existing partner, this essay probably doesn’t apply to you.
“Plus, if you can’t be confident that the person you’re with is with you, why bother?!”
I don’t understand this. They are with you by, um, being with you. if they didn’t want to be with you, they wouldn’t, right?
“Meaning, I think this article misses the point. Many people wondering how to break the news want to tell their existing partners, and you can’t “plan ahead” for that one. People grow and change, and that’s the hard part to work through.”
So, you’re talking about a person slowly coming to some realization that they don’t subscribe to a restrictive sexuality, but all this time they haven’t talked with their partner about it?
Yeah, that can be dicey. A lot of folks can feel a bit left out if they only get told near the conclusion, instead of allowed to see all the steps along the way.
That would be — however unfortunate — bad planning ahead.
But this sort of thing can happen, so don’t get discouraged. You have to just spill as soon as it’s time and acknowledge that you DIDN’T spill earlier. And it doesn’t have to be a capitulation, either. It can be as simple as “hey, when I started thinking about this, it didn’t seem like a big deal to bother you about, but now that I’ve chewed on it for a little while, I wanted to make sure you knew what was going on in my brain. Sorry about the delay — just me being a bit shy.”
Ain’t no reason to fear your partner — they certainly aren’t your enemy!
By ‘wooing period’.. I mean, getting one to go on a date in the first place. Most people would go running after meeting my family, why put them through that til’ you know if you want to see them again? If you feel you are getting into something that may be worth both people’s while.. then there needs to be an acceptance of the baggage that inevitably comes with it. 🙂
Mandi writes “By ‘wooing period’.. I mean, getting one to go on a date in the first place.”
Ah, well, for me, a “date” tends to come after they meet me (and usually some subset of my family) in a social setting.
“Most people would go running after meeting my family, why put them through that til’ you know if you want to see them again?”
Why would you want to see them if they would go running after meeting your family?
I suppose I was making a joke about my family! I tend to want to run when I see my family.. hahaha!! Guess it wasn’t taken that way!!
Keep in mind, it’s been a very long time since I’ve gone on an actual date.. and the whole thing with the wooing, and family is all just something where I have to trust my instincts. Anyone who I would date, would naturally be meeting my family.. I don’t see me dating someone anyone where I’d be afraid to introduce either side to the other..
Oh, whoops — sorry I missed that cue.
seems like good advice ~ thank you! yet going from monogamy to a polyamorous relationship, and not having time or interest to consider any more love, i’m not expecting to have the “i have something to tell you” discussion in connection to dating or love. but… i’d love to hear ideas about how, when, and if people opt to have that discussion with relatives.
i think i’ve tried flavors of both option one and two with family, and i thought that they’d get it partially by osmosis thru seeing my love and his family of three adults as our close friends, living an interesting alternate possibility. instead, a relative conveyed concern for the kids and an opinion that there must be significant manipulation going on to be able to convince two men to settle for half a wife. *not* the favorable response i’d hoped for, and surprising to me since this relative is vocal about supporting other alternate families ~ single moms, gay couples, etc. and she was a 60’s flower child who was sexually and romantically experimental in her younger days, with at least one time where she was in love and sexually/romantically involved with two men at once.
i’ve alternated between feeling that i “should” share about my other relationship, and thinking that maybe it’s just no one’s business, and most of them live out of state, so why bother? yet non-disclosure seemed more ok when our relationship was new and seemed like it might not last anyway (rationalization?). but seven years in, it can feel like significant denial of someone so important to me; someone i plan to spend my life and future with, in addition to my husband. and yet… initial reactions seem to indicate that relatives would be concerned about my immorality, my kids and my (monogamous) husband (who willingly re-negotiated our marriage, but isn’t interested in having lengthy talks about relationships or polyamory; he prefers to stay under the radar and out of relationship talks unless it is him/me about our relationship. thus he isn’t a likely avenue to offer reassurance to relatives.)
maybe in having made my metaphorical bed, i have the responsibility to sleep in it, even if that involves relatives’ dis-approval. or maybe it’s just no one’s business. i’m so on the fence, unsure of what’s “right”. wondering what other people have decided and tried as far as coming out to relatives and friends…?
also not sure if this is the right place to ask this question. so much uncertainty in life! but i know who i love. smiles…
Lynelle, the thing that’s probably giong to guide you the most is to really understand, in your guts, WHY a person needs to know something. Knowing the reason why allows you to craft your response.
For example: “This person has been a co-parent for eleven years, so don’t be surprised they are in my will, and I expect if anything happens to me, you will treat them accordingly.”
or
“I’m game to go on a vacation with you guys, but be aware that the four of US are vacationing together and staying in our own place, so don’t be shocked by that.”
etc.
that seems like a really useful approach ~ thank you! it does seem to require the premise that i’d be sharing based on a need-to-know basis. part of my ambivalance might be that i’m not sure if that’s the premise i’m choosing.
with varying levels of closeness with different relatives, outside the scope of polyamory, i might gush about someone wonderful i met (platonic or romantic), share about some life epiphanies, confide and think out loud about some relationship dynamics ~ basically, behaving with relatives in ways that reflect various levels of friendship that go beyond just a need-to-know basis for sharing.
and maybe i’ve done that here too ~ my family knows about my other love; they’re aware that we go on camping trips and star parties together; and they know he’s a significant friend in my life, a friend to my husband, and is very involved in my kids’ lives. however, they don’t know i’m in-love with him and intend a life/future together.
in a need-to-know premise, the level of sharing i have done might be adequate. yet with history where i’ve selectively shared with relatives about things that are important to me, it seems like a very significant non-disclosure, and seems dis-acknowledging of his role in my life, my heart, my soul. even if my husband and i had opted to live together throughout our lives without having an actual legal marriage, i can’t imagine not sharing about who he is to me. part of me feels like i should do similarly as far as acknowledging my other love and his role in my life and heart.
it might be that i need to sort more internally to decide what premise i want to land in. and/or… since my other love isn’t angsty about this, perhaps i’m just creating an issue that doesn’t actually exist. more to ponder.
i’m liking the simplicity of the need-to-know approach though. thank you!