I’m a big fan of the online strip Questionable Content.
One of the more recent strips has a couple of characters have a discussion about sex and relationships that I found interesting.
For those poor souls who have not yet had the opportunity to become fans, the two characters are friends with benefits. The male… well, he sleeps around a lot but has never made any real bones about it to the female character. For the record, yes, Sven is a big jerk if he isn’t up front before he gets involved about his desires and his expectations. He’s always been clear with Faye.
But I wanna focus on Faye a minute. She wants something — to know that she’s the only one Sven is gonna be sleeping with. Does anyone think this is a good way to go about it? Even though (in the context of the story), Faye saying, “I’d like us to be exclusive even if it’s not ‘serious,'” would be about as likely to get a “Yes” as Dick Cheney would be likely to apologize for lying to the citizens of the US about weapons of mass destruction Iraq, she’s still allowed to ask for what she wants.
She’s also allowed to set boundaries. It would even be okay to say, “I’m comfortable sleeping with you as friends, but if and when you have another partner, I’m not going to want to sleep with you any more.” It wouldn’t be attempting to tell Sven what he could or couldn’t do, but would be setting a boundary that’s important to her. In fact, it’s relevant information that might effect Sven’s choices.
Obviously, neither of these characters are great at communication. Learn from their bad example!
I don’t think Faye’s any kind of model for behavior, but yes, I think that asking about boundaries is an important conversation to have. The thing is, she didn’t ask – she demanded – which is clearly the wrong approach.
Yep, demanding rather than asking was exactly what was wrong. You’re quite right, a boundaries conversation is important!
I <3 QC!
Interestingly enough, I just wound up having a similarly-themed conversation with my new partner and his partner (who is more monogamously inclined and has just recently made the decision not to seek new partners for herself) . . . she said “I’m fine with you, because I have met you and I like and trust you, but I would not be okay with [New Partner] starting another new relationship with someone else. I would have to seriously reconsider staying in the relationship then.”
She was rather surprised when I said: “Actually, *I’d* have to seriously reconsider it, too!”
(FWIW, I’m very glad that we met and talked and discussed expectations, because I think that EVERYONE is more comfortable now.)
But, yes — it’s totally okay to say “This is my boundary — I’m not telling you what to do, but I’m telling you how I would respond if you crossed this boundary.”
— A 🙂
Oh, dear. I pulled a Faye. I didn’t mean to and things have somewhat resolved themselves since, but yeah, that was me about two months ago.
I feel so ashamed. *hides head*