One of the sad facts of being an alternative lifestyler of any sort is in this political climate, you’re liable to be labeled a dangerous pervert.
For the most part, it’s not actually illegal to be a pervert or anything, as long as you never have interaction with kids. Well, if you’re poly and a parent, good God yes, you’re going to be interacting with children! Yours.
Should this worry you?
It depends on a lot of things. Where do you live? Is it a conservative area? Do people have a live and let live policy, or are they all up in your bidness? What about your relatives? Are there control issues going on? Are you accepting significant financial support from them?[1]
But more than that, I want to point out one more thing, which is the big subject of my rant.
Are you a good parent?
Seriously, dewd. Don’t get on your damn high horse until you’ve evaluated your parenting. If being poly is interfering with being a good parent[2], then you have a more serious problem than poly persecution.
So to evaluate:
The Basics
- Are the children fed properly?
- Do they have clothing appropriate to the weather?
- Are they being educated appropriately? (sent to school regularly/homeschooled so that they keep up with grade level)
- Are they getting medical attention as necessary?
Not Basic, But Important
- Do they get appropriate attention? This is a biggie. When there is adult processing, sometimes kids’ needs can fall through the cracks. Be very careful and wary of this one. I wish I could sugar-coat it, but I can’t.
- Are they getting personal growth opportunities? Are they learning an instrument, learning fun skills, learning Life 101 skills?
- Are they getting an opportunity to be involved in the community they live in? Don’t isolate your kids because their household might be different. They live in the real world and need to learn to relate to it.[3]
I’m not saying you have to be Superparent to justify being polyamorous. You don’t. But, dammit, do your job as a parent anyway. Yes, it takes time. Yes, you’re gonna screw up. That doesn’t let you off the hook from consistently trying.
For those of you who have direct reason to worry about custody issues, I cannot recommend the following article highly enough. Even more, the organization, the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund. It’s run by fantastic and caring woman, Valerie White.
Dos and Don’ts to Avoid Custody Challenges.
[1]Financial support is not only money, but reduced rent, childcare and a number of other things. I’ll reiterate something I say consistently: DO NOT ACCEPT FINANCIAL SUPPORT FROM PEOPLE WHO DISAPPROVE OF YOUR LIFESTYLE. That way lies trouble.
[2] And by God, it can. Don’t try to wiggle out of being a good parent by claiming poly persecution or Mama Java will have to get all strict on your butt.
[3] And maybe even change it for the better!
Thank you. 🙂 We’re a poly family (five adults, me at 39 being the youngest) with four year old twins. We all co-parent, tho there’s only one “mommy” and one “daddy” that go by the name. I’m Mei mei, and we have TeeTee and Lili. It’s what the kids came up with. 🙂 I’m always surprised when a household full of adults can’t a) keep an eye on a kid or two, and/or b) can’t take a break for five minutes. There’s a middle ground, honest!
Last night is a great example for us. We had new neighbors over, people who had heard hints but didn’t KNOW we were poly. After dinner, our kids entertained their young son, playing semi-quietly on the floor with big blocks. They were maybe 10 feet away, and none of us were down on our hands and knees with them. They had a blast playing together, and we had adult conversation. We kept an eye on them for sure, as there’s a vast difference between a year old, and a four year old, but it was “corner of the eye” thing. Yet, each of the kids came to an adult at some point for snuggles, to ask a question, to make a quiet complaint, to get a drink…
Our kids are ahead of the game, being in a preschool that encourages them to learn as much as they want without being pushy about it. They’re socialized, have friends both near at hand, and farther off. They have the occasional play date, invite friends over, and a sleep-over is in the works for spring break.
We neither hide nor advertise our relationship. We don’t see any reason to. After all, a “normal” couple doesn’t go around saying “Hey, we’re normal and sleep together!” Why would they? Why would we? 🙂 If asked directly in a polite fashion, a direct answer will be given. Several have asked, and no one seems to care.
They see our kids: healthy, happy, active, well fed, interested in everything around them, polite (but not to the point of painfulness), and usually well dressed. In other words, normal four year olds. If the kids are okay, the family must be okay, no matter how odd they might seem from outside. LOL
Thank you for this post! I just stumbled upon your website and this post was very timely. I just moved into a house at the beginning of February with my poly family – myself, my daughter, my wife, my girlfriend, her boyfriend (also my boyfriend.) This post has given me lots to contemplate.
I know I am a good parent, and I believe moving into this house was the best situation for my daughter. There is so much opportunity for her here. But I also worry about the fact that we’ve moved into a smaller, more conservative community. She is 8, and already struggled with the concept of having two mommies – now she’s in a poly family! There’s no retreating from the world and she will have to learn to live in it, but where is the balance between that and trying to hand her that knowledge in manageable doses?
Thanks again, and I will be following your posts in the future!
Thank you. 🙂 We’re a poly family (five adults, me at 39 being the youngest) with four year old twins. We all co-parent, tho there’s only one “mommy” and one “daddy” that go by the name. I’m Mei mei, and we have TeeTee and Lili. It’s what the kids came up with. 🙂 I’m always surprised when a household full of adults can’t a) keep an eye on a kid or two, and/or b) can’t take a break for five minutes. There’s a middle ground, honest!
Last night is a great example for us. We had new neighbors over, people who had heard hints but didn’t KNOW we were poly. After dinner, our kids entertained their young son, playing semi-quietly on the floor with big blocks. They were maybe 10 feet away, and none of us were down on our hands and knees with them. They had a blast playing together, and we had adult conversation. We kept an eye on them for sure, as there’s a vast difference between a year old, and a four year old, but it was “corner of the eye” thing. Yet, each of the kids came to an adult at some point for snuggles, to ask a question, to make a quiet complaint, to get a drink…
Our kids are ahead of the game, being in a preschool that encourages them to learn as much as they want without being pushy about it. They’re socialized, have friends both near at hand, and farther off. They have the occasional play date, invite friends over, and a sleep-over is in the works for spring break.
We neither hide nor advertise our relationship. We don’t see any reason to. After all, a “normal” couple doesn’t go around saying “Hey, we’re normal and sleep together!” Why would they? Why would we? 🙂 If asked directly in a polite fashion, a direct answer will be given. Several have asked, and no one seems to care.
They see our kids: healthy, happy, active, well fed, interested in everything around them, polite (but not to the point of painfulness), and usually well dressed. In other words, normal four year olds. If the kids are okay, the family must be okay, no matter how odd they might seem from outside. LOL
I am considered extended family to a Poly couple, and this issue is a big one. I think one of the things you might have left off was respect and honoring the childrens childhood. I know how important it is to teach kids that love comes in a great many styles and variations, but to overshare intimate details, be graphic, and foul the innocents that is a childhood, can be unexcusable. Something as clear as this probably shouldn’t have to be pointed out, but when you have a dominant male that is self serving, blataint, and downright graphic, it stops being “openness”, and becomes negligence. Childhood is too short as it is, and it is my hope that with a Poly or extended home, it should be a happy one filled with hope and direction.
I do talk about it in another article RandomPanda: http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2005/03/03/but-what-about-the-children/
Looks like you might want to update the “custody” link — the old one is dead, and the article has moved here: http://www.sfldef.org/custody-tips.php
Oh, thanks! Updated!