I got so many thoughtful and interesting answers to last week’s question, I just had to roll with it again. Thanks for everyone who answered.
For those of you who are poly and have had children born into your poly circles, I’m wondering how it affected you? What changes did you see in your poly lives? Were they the same changes as the ones you anticipated or were you blindsided?
Our poly triad (which later became a … pentad? a group of five lol) actively sought to become parents. My “sis” had tried for 16 years to have kids, and when we all got together it became a family effort to continue the quest. After numerous IUIs, injections, pills, and other fertility treatments, we have two beautiful children, boy-girl twins, who are healthy, happy, and incredibly intelligent.
That said, things DID change. Sis became a lot less stressed, because a major life goal for her was complete. A large portion of her depression lifted, and even though we all suffered from sleep dep and baby-induced insanity (the first three months are just insane all over lol), we survived and are thrilled with the result of our hard work and effort.
None of the anticipated changes blindsided us. We knew there would be parenting differences and though it’s tough sometimes, we work our way through it. Two kids at once is definitely a lot more work than one kid, which was a bit stressful but nothing bad.
It was an unexpected pregnancy by another partner. It destroyed our relationship, and broke my heart.
We had an open relationship for years before kids. But, I rarely used the privilege and my wife never did. We did flirt with another couple quite a bit (and I even made out with the wife) but never consumated anything.
When we had kids, who had time for anything else? Then, when my wife started feeling sexy again, suddenly, we jumped in bed with that other couple. It’s been on again, off again, with them ever since. Always depending on timing and mood. But, were there not kids involved we would have either thrown ourselves at the other couple, or all the relationships would have just blown up. Kids moderated the whole process and the other relationship.
I have a now-teenager from my first marriage, so my ventures into poly were always tempered with a degree of caution that I might not have exercised had I not been a parent (i.e., I wasn’t free to be all footloose and fancy-free, I needed to be a responsible worker bee to take care of my daughter, provide health insurance, keep a roof over our heads, etc., so I wasn’t available to do things like flit around the country or engage in communal living experiments with people I hadn’t thoroughly vetted first.) <– Please note that this language is meant to be tongue-in-cheek, not judgmental — I'm talking about what *I* might have done differently!
I've been happily poly (sticking more to the long-term polyfidelitous model, although a couple of relationships didn't last) for the past decade, and one of my partners (my now-husband) eventually moved in with me and became a co-parent, after 2.5 years of dating.
I have been in a relationship with a married couple for going on 6 years this March, and when they decided to try for a baby, I took on something of a support role — because I was the experienced person who had been there before, I was able to help out with some of the stressful things that came along with attempting to conceive/health scares in early pregnancy (including bedrest, poor love)/"is this normal?" reassurances, etc. (Not that I wouldn't have done this for any dear friend, not to mention a lover, but the experience drew all of us closer and really helped cement the bonds between us in very positive ways.)
When their daughter was born, I stayed with them for a couple of weeks to help out (a third pair of hands is very useful after a C-section), and I've spent as much time there as I can (they're quite a distance from me) . . . and we have regular Skype chats, which means that their daughter sees me as a natural part of their family, and I love her and she loves me and it's utterly amazing. She's a child of my heart.
And my daughter is immensely fond of her as well and thinks of her as a younger sib in a lot of ways — so that's been a very positive interaction as well. (She hasn't had any issues with no longer being an "only child.")
Obviously, everyone's experience is going to be different, but I have been so incredibly happy with the changes in our lives!
In my case, I’ve become attached to a couple who had twins right before we hooked up. (I’d been friends with them since the mom was a couple months pregnant.) I have never been a kid-person, but when my guy friend professed his crush for me, I realizes this was a chance for me to expand this neglected side of myself, and that I shouldn’t let the fact that he had kids scare me off. And it turns out, the sound of screaming babies doesn’t bother me as much as I feared it would. I only see them a couple weekends a month, but those weekends are always adventures.
And since these are twins we’re talking about, my guy and his wife are happy for the extra support. On one of my first visits, they both were knocked flat by stomach bugs, and were literally too weak to hold their children. They were at least able to tell me what to do. It was an amazing bonding experience, and that’s how I got my crash course in childrearing.
The biggest adaptation for me (other than realizing I’m now the sort of person who speaks in detail about baby poop and barf) is figuring out how I’m going to relate to my own family. If I’m in this relationship for the long haul, and these girls will become the closest thing I have to children of my own, can I share that with my family? I’m not out yet, and I officially hooked up with my guy right before I went to my family’s big Christmas gathering. Three of my cousins are pregnant, and it made me feel a little hollow, because I couldn’t share my own baby-related joy. I did talk about “my friends'” babies, but it’s not quite the same.