The wife and i agreed to try an open relationship. We agreed on the rules of engagement: use a condom, be discreet, and don’t put one above the other. But when I set plans to go out with the my secondary she gets angry and tells me she wants to go there too, ie drive in or dinner theater, or whatever i pick and then sets other plans so that i cannot go. Then when she is invited to the local gay bar to go dancing or watch the shows, she is dressed and out the door. If i say I’m gonna go out with a gay friend of mine and it might get randy, she is all for it but if i want to go out with my secondary she acts weird.
You know, I rag so hard on the One-Penis Policy that it’s actually a delight to be able to have the opportunity to rag on its evil twin, the One Vagina Policy. In both cases, what’s going on emotionally is that one feels threatened by partners of the opposite sex, but partners of the same sex somehow don’t count and aren’t as real. I suppose it’s no real wonder that there are lots of people in the gay community who eyeroll bisexuality in the face of that. How could you not?
The problem in your case, like so many times with the OPP or the OVP, the explicitly-negotiated rules and what actually happen are at serious odds. I have some general recommendations, and I hope they’re useful.
Communicate what you’re thinking and feeling
You have to be specific. Generalizations won’t work here.
- Identify the behavior
For instance, you could say, “Honey, in the last three times I went on a date with another partner of the opposite sex, two of those you were very insistent that you wanted to come along. The third time, there were in a bad emotional state and asked not to be left alone, so I cancelled my plans. When I go out with partners of the same sex, the last three times there have not been any changes in plans or requests to come along.”
I cannot re-iterate strongly enough the importance of being specific. This is not going to work unless you’ve got concrete instance to which you wish to refer.
- Say how you feel about the behavior
Notice, there was no blaming going on. There were no accusations, no name-calling, no accusations of thwarting. You stated what actually happened and then said how you felt when it did.
- Ask if your partner has any reasons for the behavior that s/he’d like to share.
It’s entirely possible your partner doesn’t feel like she gets enough alone time with you and it’s brought most sharply to mind when you’re going out with a partner of the opposite sex. That’s doesn’t excuse passive aggressiveness, mind you, but if you open the lines of communication, you might encourage her to communicate directly. That’d definitely be a win-win.
It’s also possible she just doesn’t want you to date women. If that’s so, she needs to ask for that directly. You’re under no obligation to agree, but being truthful about wants is really important in a good relationship, even if the answer is no.
Act on your partner’s words
One good way to cure passive aggressiveness is to act on your partner’s actual words. If she directly states that she’s all good with you going out with someone, make the dates and remind her that’s what she said. Keep in mind that people are allowed to change their minds, but if after reflection people do, then they are also responsible for communicating that and re-negotiating their wants – always keeping in mind there is a risk of being told no. True for any negotiation, of course.
I hope this has been helpful and that you can work things out for a happy poly experience.
hi lady java,
sorry if this is totally the wrong way to get in touch with you, but i can’t figure out your sites “CAPTCHA” — it keeps sending me to a website with instructions to upload directories…what?
anyway, i wanna send you a question, do you have an e-mail?
Ah, jeez. I had a website screwup a couple of days ago and my backup wasn’t as accurate as it could have been. The Ask the Goddess of Java page had a script with no referent.
(Short answer. The page was hosed. Click on the link because it is fixed now.)
Sorry for the inconvenience.
I think this works for communication inside a relationship in general, not only OPP/OVP.
Very well put, with good emphasis on all the tricky bits like not blaming and building upon what has been said.
“I suppose it’s no real wonder that there are lots of people in the gay community who eyeroll bisexuality in the face of that. How could you not?”
Maybe by being a vaguely-intelligent person and realizing that one bisexual person is not all bisexual people? Just a thought…
It is an unfortunate human trait to treat certain types of relationships as disposable — be it same sex ones for the bisexual or secondaries for people seeking primaries.
Did the author actually state that he’s bi, or was he joking about his friend and you’re just assuming he was being serious? Just the way he wrote that sounded ambiguous to me.
I disagree with you strongly that there’s something “evil” about an OPP or an OVP when both partners are happy and satisfied with that situation. I am the “evil, controlling” woman with a primary bi male partner, we have an OVP, because it fits our needs right now, with the explicit, stated understand that if/when he starts expressing a desire to see other women, we can renegotiate that boundary. The OVP works both ways, as I’m not currently dating women either, and strangely he has more trepidation and less sexual interest regarding me dating women than men.
It’s not that I view his same-sex encounters as “less real” than heterosexual encounters. We’re both out for sex. The kind of sex we’re interested in having with other people tends to be focused on people with penises. We’re both cock sluts, basically – we understand this about each other, we bond over it. And it works for us. And I’m kind of tired of casually reading about how our relationship structure is “evil” even if it’s meant in jest.
I wrote extensively about OPPs and OVPs here, if you’re willing to reconsider your view: http://sexortelevision.blogspot.com/2010/03/whos-down-with-opp-nobody.html
I did not use the word evil. You’re reacting to something said by someone notMe, apparently. I can’t help you there.
its interesting that we haven’t examined the needs that his wife could be expressing here too. when i have felt this way in the past it was because I was feeling unsatisfied with my dates with my partner. I was never asked out on dates to the drive in, out for supper etc. our dates would be interrupted by errands and projects, phone calls from his roommates needing things etc. i don’t believe in controlling his behavior with his lovers because of something i’m feeling, but if there’s something we can do within our relationship to make it even better, i’m all for it! so more time together, turning that cell phone off, nurturing and fun dates, a day in bed and hot sex might be the remedy! sometimes alot more energy goes into wooing a new lover and living the new relationship energy and we can kind of feel old and forgotten sometimes…