I’ve noticed some talk on the polyamory discussion boards talking about fundamentalist Mormon polygamy and how it makes the polyamory community look. Because polyamory is hardly on the general public radar, there is some concern that any non-monogamous relationship will be mentally lumped in with groups we might not admire.
Well, true enough. I am sure many of my readers, especially the ones who live in poly families, have their lives compared to the HBO series “Big Love”.
The sad truth of the matter is that the media cannot portray our lives with sympathetic accuracy, nor is there really any motivation to! Sex sells, friends, and drama sells better. Sensible, together people don’t make ratings and sell the laundry detergent.
What makes it worse is that there are some serious unethical excesses portrayed that poly families might be in danger of.
“We’re not a cult!” I hear you shriek.
Okay, you’re probably not. But, how do you know? I’m quite serious. What are the signs of a cult that you’re so sure you’re not in one? If you had a friend in a poly family that was not healthy, could you spot it?
In my famed generosity, I shall post some <grin>. You knew that was coming, didntcha?
Warning signs you might be in a cult:
· Social Isolation
Do you have friends outside of your family circle? Tragically, if you live in an alternative family, you might find yourself incredibly shy about socializing in the “real world”. You might be estranged from your family of birth, either by choice or not. To protect yourself against some of the dangers of cult-like issues, make sure you have social contacts outside of the context of the polyamory community. I hammer at this one a lot because it’s really important. You live in a big world, even if you live in rural East Nowhere. Make sure you have a range of friendships. (Like so many things, this is not poly-specific. It’s not good for anyone to limit their contacts to church, family, or in-group no matter what!) You have interests other than polyamory, after all. Pursue them.
· Ethical double standards
Is your in-group “allowed” to do things that the “common herd” isn’t permitted to do? Ferinstance, the FLDS church considers welfare fraud against “Babylon” (what they call the mainstream world) perfectly okay because they’re “better” and “chosen of God”.
· Control of your money
I am not trying to say you cannot choose to join a commune or ascribe to the “common pot” theory of polyfamilies economics. They’re fine choices if they work for you! Just check and make sure it’s equitable. In a commune, the standard of living will be the same among all members. In a healthy family, you’re not going to have a member allowed to go to Paris while another catches hell for going out for a beer.
· Behavioral control
How’s that freedom of choice going? Is “for the good of the family” used as a control technique to make you give up personal goals important to you? Are there unspoken rules about how you must behave with heavy penalties if you break them?
· Groupthink – pressure to remain in the group
Groupthink is a big danger for an in-group and even one that is otherwise healthy. Because OLQ could come together like a well-constructed tank when it was needed for family goals, I would say that we could fall danger to a certain level of groupthink sometimes. Useful as it can be (our ability to tag-team in negotiation did get us called a cult when buying a car once!), watch out! There’s a line between useful and giving up your own thoughts and identity. Don’t cross it!
· Use of stress to break down logical thought
Interventions on behavior that’s negative can be necessary. Impromptu “interventions” can be more like brainwashing sessions. If they’re happening without a professional counselor to keep things in line, be afraid. Be very afraid. If you have more than one of those sessions in a year, you’ve got other things to look at, anyway. Don’t participate in intervention-like sessions unless they’re actual interventions with clearly-defined goals, preferably with the aid of a professional counselor. They come just awfully close to brainwashing techniques and may cross the line.
What it really boils down to at all times is your level of freedom of choice. It’s okay to choose to live in a tightly-knit family. It only becomes not okay when you’re threatened if you want to leave, or if you are losing your own sense of identity, or if your children are being harmed.
This is where Mormon polygamy is dangerous. There’s nothing inherently wrong with having long hair or dressing modestly or living in a plural marriage (I’ve been a plural wife, have long hair and habitually dress about as modestly as your average FLDS wife). The problem is the lack of education and lack of free choice. Before all the sympathy goes to the women, though, do take a look at the men in this culture. Simple mathematics should point out that if one man has six wives, another man will be permitted none (in this culture, the marriages are arranged). Even if a man has wives, if he does not toe the line, the leader can take his wives and children away from him — either for himself or another man. Imagine having a really pretty wife in that setup!
A few people are concerned that we’re going to be compared to the FLDS. Yeah, it’s going to happen some. I’d say the biggest defense is not to behave as they do. Don’t be controlling, don’t allow yourself to be controlled. Don’t isolate yourself from the world. Don’t abuse children. Don’t “marry” people underage. You don’t have anything to hide, really. I mean, sure, maybe you don’t want to discuss your sex life with non-intimates (I sure don’t!). That’s okay. In the “real world,” you probably don’t know about the sex lives of non-intimates, either, right? You can hold people to the standards of the “real world”, and be doing the polyamory community a big service in the bargain.
What we really want people to see is that yeah, poly people are just “real people” with all the foibles, failures, and joys of the rest of the world.
Don’t go the route of the FLDS and avoid the “world of dust”. Joyfully “join the dust of the world”.
What it really boils down to at all times is your level of freedom of choice. It’s okay to choose to live in a tightly-knit family. It only becomes not okay when you’re threatened if you want to leave, or if you are losing your own sense if identity, or if your children are being harmed.
This is so very true, and I am always glad to see this pointed out.
For all the possible ways to portray polyamory, Big Love does a pretty decent job of doing so (as far as Bill and his 3 wives are concerned, the whole Juniper Creek compound is a whole other ball of wax). And the show has been doing some things to make it more socially responsible…..such as when Barb and family assisted the soon to be minor wife of Roman Grant in running away from that compound.
But these signs you listed are a good thing. However you could also apply them to all other relationships. The control issues you listed are also common types of spousal abuse. Emotional abuse, Financial abuse, and actual physical abuse are all common ways people are in unhealthy relationships. It is important to remember the warning signs and evaluate your relationships (whatever kind they may be) periodically.
Thank you so much for posting this article! I was involved many years ago with a poly family that was profoundly unhealthy and showed all the signs of morphing into a cult. When I try talking to other poly people about it, I sense a deep denial involved. It seems that people want to think that all poly people are all loving healthy people with loving, healthy families and relationships. The truth is that we are no better or worse than anyone else, and no more or less likely to be in a dysfunctional relationship.
If you think it is bad to be lumped in to a group that you disagree with because you do something they are renowned for, just think what it is like getting grouped in with them even when you don’t do what they are renowned for. I am tired of being a Mormon who is automatically assumed to be polygamous (the mainstream Mormons haven’t allowed polygamy for 100 years) simply because of break-offs and a history that did include the practice.
By the way, your lifestyle is illegal. You know that don’t you? It is illegal because the United States found it as a wedge against Mormons in the 19th Century.
The legalities depend on the state.
I did not live in a state where anything we were doing was illegal when I had a group marriage.
Thank you so much for posting this aicltre! I was involved many years ago with a poly family that was profoundly unhealthy and showed all the signs of morphing into a cult. When I try talking to other poly people about it, I sense a deep denial involved. It seems that people want to think that all poly people are all loving healthy people with loving, healthy families and relationships. The truth is that we are no better or worse than anyone else, and no more or less likely to be in a dysfunctional relationship.
Group marriages are technically illegal, yes, but the fact is that most states do not pursue penalization of this offense unless something like child abuse or spousal abuse becomes an issue. And many people who consider themselves to be in a ‘group marriage’ are not necessarily married legally, but done so within a non-legally binding religious ceremony.
It’s not about plural marriage. It’s really about child abuse. Child labor laws that are being abused. Total mind control. Welfare fraud. Tax fraud. Lastly but not least incest and the birth of half wit children.
@Jetboy: “I am tired of being a Mormon who is automatically assumed to be polygamous (the mainstream Mormons haven’t allowed polygamy for 100 years) simply because of break-offs and a history that did include the practice.”
One reason you’re assumed to be polygamous is it’s one of your religious beliefs (D&C 132). Even in this world it’s possible for a mainstream LDS male to marry more than one woman “for all eternity” as long the female partner dies first. And didn’t God create all those spirit babies with a multitude of goddess wives?