I met my secondary partner earlier this year and we took our time getting to know each other before we played, and agreed to start a play-partnership. Then a few months ago she met a new primary, and I only found this out when she added a new relationship status up online. As a result…
Category: Communication
On Gaslighting
This guest column was written by Peter J. Vinton, Jr., aka The Prince. It’s Just A Trifle Lily innocuously asks a favor of you one day. Say, a quick phone call asking you to pick up her friend Orlando in front of the hardware store, and then to drop him off at the grocery store,…
Why Interpreting and Assumptions Suck
I had an interesting communication moment recently. Polyfamilies was doing its usual thing of debating everything under the sun (nuclear power and alternative energy, I believe) when someone new to the group commented that she really couldn’t figure out what the group was about. Since it’s ostensibly about polyamory, but in general the members really…
O.V.P and Passive-Aggressiveness
The wife and i agreed to try an open relationship. We agreed on the rules of engagement: use a condom, be discreet, and don’t put one above the other. But when I set plans to go out with the my secondary she gets angry and tells me she wants to go there too, ie drive…
Some Thoughts on Boundaries, Preferences and Communication
A few days ago, there was a Coffee Incident in my household that prompted a post. I got a lot of interesting responses, but I wanted to discuss the matter a little deeper and point out a core value that may have been overlooked. For those of you who missed the last episode, The Prince…
Goddess of Java’s Boundaries Quiz
I talk a great deal about setting boundaries and expressing preferences, and sometimes have struggled to differentiate this between being controlling and giving orders. I was less than perfect about this this morning, and realized while the incident was trivial, the example was beautifully illustrative. As my sobriquet might suggest, I am fond of coffee. …
My Wife Doesn’t Understand Me
“I’m in a mid-life crisis, I guess. The passion is out of my life and I’m looking for something more. My wife doesn’t understand me.” Any polyamorous person on a dating site is almost sure to get a message like this from time to time. No, it’s not exclusive to men. Women do a serious…
Handling Jealousy: How to Fuck Up
I’ve been seeing more than the usual amount of discussion about jealousy on various poly boards lately, so I figure this might be a little topical to people. I have pulled out of the air the Definitive[1] Five-Point List of Ways to Fuck Up Handling Jealousy. I am sharing this because I am wise and…
Patient Griselda, or, Minding the Gap
Mama Java is lounging on the beach right now. Well, okay RIGHT NOW, I’m probably getting sunscreen on squirming little children, collecting beach chairs and making sure everyone has their towels, but I am at the beach this week. Here’s a column from Rain Hannah. Enjoy! It can be easy, when you’ve been doing this…
Want to be valued? Value YOU!
I need advice. My girl and I began exploring the “lifestyle” about 2 years ago. At some point mid way, I discovered that I was having nervousness block my performance, in my opinion because many encounters seemed rushed. I talked with my partner about doing solo dates, and she was very much against it. So…