Hello and thank you for taking the time to read this. It may be quite lengthy, so brace yourself! I am definitely in need of some goddess intervention tho…
(Yes, the letter is long. I’ve edited for length here)
I have been in a polyamorous relationship for a year and a half now, and, let me tell you, it has been the most wonderfully terrible situation in my life. When I was younger (I’m 22 now), I never dated much and if I had an interest it was nothing serious. However halfway through college I met the man of my dreams and my soul mate; a 26 year old married man. I know it sounds cheesy, but the first time we locked eyes, I knew I felt something for him, more strongly than I was accustomed to. He has told me many times he had felt the exact same way and that he never felt that way about anyone before.
“Soul mate”… “I’ve never felt this way before…”
Won’t say I’ve never used these phrases before. I have. And the fallout from them was such that I’m inherently suspicious of their use. They’re generally more indicative of hormonal carbonation (which is quite the entertaining emotional roller coaster ride) than they are of anything of substance upon which one can build a serious relationship. When you start thinking down these lines, be afraid. Be very afraid.
A lot of what you have here is inexperience. You’re confusing hormonal carbonation with love. This is understandable. Our whole society is set up that way, from Cinderella to The Princess Bride. Do yourself a favor and don’t take relationship advice from Hollywood or fairy tales.
Sure, hormonal carbonation is fun. It’s meant to be as a species survival thing. This is probably your body tricking you into getting pregnant by a good gene match, not a good relationship match. (Jesus, I hope that isn’t planting an idea seed, cause if you think it’s bad now…)
There was a bit of a miscommunication at the beginning though. He mentioned him being married very soon after I started to get to know him but also said that his wife was gay, they married very young for convenience reasons, and that they wanted to be with a woman. I, being very open minded and having a gay best friend myself who I always thought I would marry, thought this couldn’t have been more perfect for me. I thought it was the same situation. After that, he didn’t mention much of his wife, we continued our blossoming relationship, and I thought things were going great.
Then about a month into our relationship, I finally met his wife. She seemed like a nice person and all, but it hit me that she wasn’t just gay, but bi and actually had a romantic relationship with Boyfriend. Since I was at their place for the first time and felt a little awkward about everything, we didn’t really discuss the relationship at all. We just hung out as friends and I had a nice time. But I realized that they were actually a couple and wanted to both be with me, even though I thought Boyfriend wanted to be with just me due to how it was only me and him everyday since the start for over a month. He even properly asked me to be his girlfriend and, of course, I accepted. If past me would’ve known what future me knows now, I would’ve screamed “RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!”.
Miscommunication? Miscommunication? No! No! No! The dewd lied to you about his relationship, he implied that he was uninvolved enough to devote lots of time to you, mostly, ANNDDD to put a cherry on top of the stupidity sundae, you absolutely ignored what was right in front of you because he had you good and hooked.
So here I am, stuck with a very tough decision. I already am totally smitten with the guy and he to me. And at the beginning I tried. I tried so hard to want what him and his wife wanted. I tried to fit that perfect puzzle piece in their lives. But truth be told, it was a growing process for me. He was my first serious relationship ever. I was like a deer in the headlights trying to accommodate everyone and not hurt anyone’s feelings. I tried to want her, but it was hard because I very rarely saw her. Now about 3 months into the relationship I finally said I couldn’t be with both of them. I really, truly, deep within my heart had no intention of leading them on with hopes of us all being together. I was just finding myself through the relationship unfortunately. I found that I just wasn’t romantically interested in his wife at all and I just loved him.
He lied to you to fuck you.
He lied to you to fuck you.
He lied to you to fuck you.
I hope like hell that doesn’t feel okay. Love him or not, is this a good relationship choice? You can love people that might be bad relationship choices. You can even choose not to have a relationship with someone for whom you have strong feelings because it would be a bad choice and not invalidate those feelings.
This crushed them and started the tears, heartache, drama and downward spiral. They still, to this day, think I’m the bad guy. We have gotten into so many viciously savage arguments. We still do. And I’m getting so tired of this. I love him and I know he loves me too. Very much. But I have severe jealousy of his wife now. So much so that I’m losing my charm, my sanity and the person that Boyfriend fell in love with in the first place. She just has the life I want with him. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care about her, because I do. A lot. I’d help her in a flash if she were in trouble. I just….kind of hate her too… Inside me I have so many conflicting emotions that I am starting to feel physically ill and am seriously considering mental help. I just….don’t know what to do. I really do feel that he is my soul mate. We are best friends, art/ceramics partners (our school career choice together), and he admitted that I was his soul mate and wants me to be in his life forever… but he didn’t want to hurt or leave his wife for me. And I don’t want him to leave her either. But that’s what it would take to make me happy with him. He also has a one penis policy so me being with anyone else is out of the question.
Boy, he’s got you tied up good, doesn’t he? He’s convinced you that you’re “supposed” to care about someone that in reality you see as competition (which isn’t really conducive to a serious poly relationship), you’ve decided to be a “good girl” and force yourself to be friends with her. And for???
Addiction. This is not mostly about love. Not really. It’s addiction. For whatever reason, this fellow turns your crank. Maybe he smells right, maybe the sex is about the most amazing sex you’ve ever had, maybe his body just feels good to you. But I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that love, if it exists at all, is only minorly associated with what you’ve got going on here.
It’s not that I don’t feel for you. I have as been as dumb as you (and at a far older age!) and I really do understand the pain you’re going through. From the perspective of having been through that, my real advice is to dump his sorry, lying manipulative ass. GET AWAY. Spend a year celibate to get your head on straight, if you need to. Yes, find a good counselor. A poly-friendly one would be ideal, but even one that isn’t would probably do you more good than not at this stage.
A good rule of thumb, I’ve found, is to look at your relationship and ask if the “relationship issues” would drive the plot of a chick flick. If they would, you have a bad relationship. Conflict and pain are what make movies interesting. A good relationship might be shown in a movie, but I assure you that a good relationship won’t drive the plot of that movie. So if the conflict and pain is what makes things interesting, as is certainly the case here, you need to dump his ass.
I haven’t spent a lot of time on his relationship with his wife, and the fact that apparently they’re trying to guilt you into a threesome. What the fuck? Do you really want a relationship with people so emotionally immature that they think this is okay?
There is no good ending to this one. Run away. You’re being treated as a thing, not a person.
*wince* And you might want to take a good look at yourself. I don’t know for sure, but it seems to me that you’re kind of commodifying the boyfriend, too. I don’t see a saint in this little poly opera. You’re contributing by sticking around.
I’m not saying that leaving isn’t going to hurt. It will. I’m not trying to blow that off. But this sort of pain does end. You do heal. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it hurts.
But you will come out the other side one day, shake your head and laugh, “What in hell was I thinking? Why did I do that to myself, and what I can learn?”
Maybe poly will be for you in the future, maybe not. But right now, I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that this relationship is no good. It’s not going to get better. You deserve to be treated as a person, not a commodity to fill the unicorn hole.
Run, run, run.