Originally published at
In an attempt to Do My Duty to the Polyamorous Community, I requested of the faithful and passionately interested readers of my blog to help me out with something to rant about. (Translation: Mama Java has been boring her readership to tears whining about her lack of interesting subject matter for the Misanthrope column).
In their kindness and infinite generosity (Translation: They responded to shut the old bat up), I was given several amusing things to rant about, among which was this little gem:
So, I’m a 43 year old man and I have a 22 year old girl, um, I mean woman, from the office that I have been dating for the last nine months. How do I turn my wife polyamorous so she will let Bambi move in. (BTW — We will be blessed with a child in just under 5 months.) I know that the women will love each other too if they just get to know each other. They might even want to DO each other. I’d love that.
So, what do you think I should do to make them all do what I want?
This falls into the “If I didn’t laugh, I’d weep.” category for several reasons. One: It’s funny. Why is it funny? ‘Cause it happens (hence the weeping, too, ’cause it’s pretty tragic when you look at it). Two, it doesn’t happen that damned often. and the poly community is insanely suspicious of it.
As a community, we’re often very quick to assume someone is getting into polyamory from bad motives. This comes from several places that I can see. Almost any poly person has been burned by the assumption that we’re into it for the sex alone, that we’ve coerced our partners into it, and that we’re screwing up our kids. Makes us sensitive, it does, and scared that one of those people are going to get involved in polyamory and Make Us All Look Bad.
While I understand the sensitivity, oh God do I ever, I am concerned. The prickliness is not helping in terms of education. Yeah, we all roll our eyes at the clueless. I do it, you do it.
Is it helping?
You might point out that you don’t really give a rip. That’s okay, mind. You don’t exactly owe the polyamorous community one whit of your time, energy, thoughtfulness or wisdom. You really don’t . But, if you consider yourself an activist, or consider yourself someone to whom education about polyamory is important, you might want to rethink your stance at least a little when it comes to the Horny Net Geek, the Completely Clueless, and that ever so charming of all — the Seeker of the Hot Bi Babe.
What’s your goal? Is it to educate? Is it to feel superior? Is it that you have no goal at all, but are frustrated with feeling lumped in with people you don’t admire? It might do some good to look at this carefully.
I can just hear some of you guys going, “Hey now waitaminute, oh hypocritical Goddess of Java (or should we say Goddess of Sarcasm )! I’ve seen you rip on people looking for Hot Bi Babes. And the crispness to which you toast someone who says that cheating is a form of polyamory would put a dragon to shame! Where in hell do you get off with preachin’ the sweetness and light routine?”
Friends, ya live and learn… <grin> and as my beloved mentor will add, “or ya don’t live long.” It isn’t that I don’t find great release and satisfaction in going off on some idiot who righteously deserves it. I do. The problem is judgment. If the person might be receptive to a little education, the pleasure of the flambé is better laid aside, since my real purpose is to help, for heaven’s sake!
Naw, I’ll never be all sweetness and light. Ain’t my style. But, trying to make sure my message gets across most certainly is.