Personal ads tend to have their own code. You won’t realize exactly what the person is really expressing until you get involved with them. So here I am, in my infinite generosity, to explain a little about this and decode some of the more common phrases found in ads looking for relationships.
I have a lot of love to share – I am a needy, selfish prick who needs an inordinate amount of reassurance about my wonderfulness. I will be soft, sweet and gentle until you do not meet my expectations. Then the fangs come out.
I run my own online business, so can make my own hours and spend lots of time with you – I play a lot of WoW1 while my partner makes enough money for my household. I will not be spending lots of time either with you or my business.
I love to cuddle – If you like rare steak, Heavy Metal or good vodka, I’m probably not for you.
I value discretion in a partner – I’m cheating. Prepare for drama.
Looking for someone sweet – Don’t ever disagree with me.
I am recovering from having my heart broken and am trying to learn to trust again – You will be the next Evil Ex.
Looking for a bisexual woman to complete our marriage – We’re unicorn hunters. Hope you have a fetish for childcare, cleaning houses and pretending you don’t exist when our family comes to visit.
I’m sensitive – I’m touchy and probably passive-aggressive.
I’m a nice guy – I’m nice for certain values of “nice” and am offended by the articles at Heartless Bitches International.
I like strong women – I have an Oedipal Complex the likes of which God has never seen.
I’m working on a book – I want to look intellectual. Admire me. But don’t ask me about my production schedule.
I like sensitive men – I want someone I can bully into obeying me.
My wife has stopped sleeping with me – I’ve stopped bathing, brushing my teeth or spending any time on foreplay.
Masterful, looking for a submissive – You can probably have me curled up in the corner sucking my thumb in less than ten minutes.
Looking for my soulmate – I will realize it wasn’t True Love when something better comes along -even if I’m poly.
I love classical music – I think that the use of Für Elise in Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown was kinda cool and will give you a blank stare if you ask me what I think of Baroque.
I like Sci-Fi2 – I watch a lot of movies and pay a lot for my TV.
I’m into SCA/Renfaires/Historical Re-enactments – Do not ever go to a period film with me. The costuming choices are capable of ruining my evening.
I’m into Tantra and am looking for a heart connection – I won’t admit I like to fuck and want to wrap it up into spiritual bows to make me look advanced.
I’m a Wiccan – I think Marion Zimmer Bradly wrote history rather than fiction. My other critical thinking skills reflect this.
I’m a martial artist – I am worse than William Shatner’s most appalling Trekkie nightmare when it comes to discussing esoteria. Run.
I think the Polyamorous Misanthrope is way too judgmental – I’m pretty perceptive.
1Yes, yes, I know that there really are self-employed people who make a real, live living at it. They’re in the minority, and they’re often more time-crunched than people with “real” jobs.
2Actual fans tend to abbreviate it to SF, and will usually name specific fandoms. There are a lot of them.