Dear Goddess of Java,
My husband and I have a wonderful marriage of nine years. I am bi-sexual and he is very supportive of this. We have always talked about our desire to have a long-term polyamorous relationship, but until recently we couldn’t seem to find the right woman. Now we believe that we have. This woman is intelligent, fun to be with, and incredibly beautiful. She has been hurt in past relationships and she has children whom she adores but don’t live with her at the moment (a situation which she is trying to change). We have children also and my husband and I think we could be very good for her. The only problem is that she’s not sure she wants a relationship with a couple. She has admitted that she finds us attractive and that she enjoys spending time with us, but she is currently involved with a single man and she thinks it may be getting serious. We really, really like this woman (I’d go as far as to admit that we’re both madly in love with her). More than anything we want her to be happy and if being with this other guy is ultimately the best thing for her and makes her happy then we will support her in that decision, but honestly we believe that as a couple we can make her happier. How do we convince her to give us a chance? I am not a very outgoing or aggressive type person so I am having trouble figuring out how to seduce this woman and draw her into our relationship without scaring her away.
Do you have any advice? Please.
Sincerely,
Shy and In Love
You know, I think you know the answer to this one.
Yes, indeed, ask for what you want. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. In fact, it’s probably better if it’s not. All you have to say is, “Look, we’re nuts about you. Would you please consider giving us a chance?”
Then she gets to decide.
You’ve stated that you want her to make her own choices and that’s very good. Seducing and all that isn’t really going to be what has the best outcome here. If a simple straightforward request would scare her away, then this woman isn’t for you anyway. Polyamory, and indeed most relationships, work best when you can interact clearly and directly. If you have to use anything but your own natural behavior to “convince” her to be with you, I can pretty much promise a train wreck eventually.
If you’re saying by not being very outgoing or aggressive that you have trouble clearly asking for what you want, may I make a small suggestion?
Work on that.
Relationships without clear communication and with people who don’t get that asking for what you want is the way to go can become difficult and painful for all involved. As I’ve said before, asking is not demanding. Asking means that sometimes you get “yes” and sometimes you get “no”.
In the case of this woman that you’re head over heels for, asking is definitely the way to go. If she says “yes”, you’ve laid some much better groundwork for a healthy relationship because you stepped up to the plate, asked clearly and calmly for what you’d like and established a precedent for clear and direct communication. If she says no, you still win, because you’ve had the courage to ask for what you want, and have the extra shiny karma of being respectful of people’s boundaries.
Good Luck!
Goddess of Java
Excellent advise, as usual. 🙂
I don’t know where you live, but just about anywhere, being involved with a couple is not going to help this woman’s custody case. I speak from sad experience. Make sure everyone investigates the possible ramifications.
If she’s poly too, then she can be involved with both you and your husband, AND the single man. Unless he isn’t poly or poly friendly. In which case her choice is clear, she needs to decide if she values the relationship with the single guy enough to enter into an exclusive relationship with him, and give up on possibilities with you two.
It also depends what she wants out of a relationship. If this woman wants to get married again, then you two can’t offer her that, not a legal marriage anyway. The single guy can.
I agree with Susan about the custody issue too.
I have a hard time verbalizing stuff too. Sometimes writing a letter helps. Sit down with your partner and write her a simple and clear letter from the heart. Sometimes it can be helpful for the other person. It gives them something to hold and review. Words spoken can slip away but something written never will.
I kind of disagree with the letter idea. Written words can be misinterpreted and you’re not available to consult for clarification until the misinterpretation has potentially done damage. You might think and believe with all your might that you have been clear as water with your written words, but in reality the person reading it is looking into the Mississippi.
Write things out, yes. It’s a good way to process and verbalize the words you intend. But if you insist on giving it to this woman, I would us it as more of a handout during a presentation than an actual means of communication. Work on it, get your words down on paper so they seem the clearest and most direct that you can make them, but still actually *talk* with the woman yourself. And then allow her time to read your words and ask what questions she may have.
I want to note upfront that I have a bias against dating couples personally (I might date people who are dating each other, but not as a pre-packaged deal), but if you do find that unicorn more power to you.
I’ve been trying to figure out what about this letter bothers me (beyond the above) and I think it’s the author thinking they know what is best for someone else, especially when they have an emotional attachment to the outcome (i.e. too close to the trees to really see the forest). So I’d suggest ditching that train of thought entirely – unless your crystal ball is better than mine, you can’t truly know what would be best for anyone in the long run anyway. Just stick to “I’d really prefer it if she was with us”, a honest statement that’s about your internal state and not the universe at large ;).
Are you insane? How could you be good for her? Thats just an immature inability to foresee consequences. She gave you the brush and you don’t take the hint. “I have a boyfriend”, is her gentle way of asking you ti keep your fat ass i. your oants. Good God, have you no limit to your selfish desires?