Dear Goddess of Java,
My husband and I have a wonderful marriage of nine years. I am bi-sexual and he is very supportive of this. We have always talked about our desire to have a long-term polyamorous relationship, but until recently we couldn’t seem to find the right woman. Now we believe that we have. This woman is intelligent, fun to be with, and incredibly beautiful. She has been hurt in past relationships and she has children whom she adores but don’t live with her at the moment (a situation which she is trying to change). We have children also and my husband and I think we could be very good for her. The only problem is that she’s not sure she wants a relationship with a couple. She has admitted that she finds us attractive and that she enjoys spending time with us, but she is currently involved with a single man and she thinks it may be getting serious. We really, really like this woman (I’d go as far as to admit that we’re both madly in love with her). More than anything we want her to be happy and if being with this other guy is ultimately the best thing for her and makes her happy then we will support her in that decision, but honestly we believe that as a couple we can make her happier. How do we convince her to give us a chance? I am not a very outgoing or aggressive type person so I am having trouble figuring out how to seduce this woman and draw her into our relationship without scaring her away.
Do you have any advice? Please.
Shy and In Love
You know, I think you know the answer to this one.
Yes, indeed, ask for what you want. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. In fact, it’s probably better if it’s not. All you have to say is, “Look, we’re nuts about you. Would you please consider giving us a chance?”
Then she gets to decide.
You’ve stated that you want her to make her own choices and that’s very good. Seducing and all that isn’t really going to be what has the best outcome here. If a simple straightforward request would scare her away, then this woman isn’t for you anyway. Polyamory, and indeed most relationships, work best when you can interact clearly and directly. If you have to use anything but your own natural behavior to “convince” her to be with you, I can pretty much promise a train wreck eventually.
If you’re saying by not being very outgoing or aggressive that you have trouble clearly asking for what you want, may I make a small suggestion?
Work on that.
Relationships without clear communication and with people who don’t get that asking for what you want is the way to go can become difficult and painful for all involved. As I’ve said before, asking is not demanding. Asking means that sometimes you get “yes” and sometimes you get “no”.
In the case of this woman that you’re head over heels for, asking is definitely the way to go. If she says “yes”, you’ve laid some much better groundwork for a healthy relationship because you stepped up to the plate, asked clearly and calmly for what you’d like and established a precedent for clear and direct communication. If she says no, you still win, because you’ve had the courage to ask for what you want, and have the extra shiny karma of being respectful of people’s boundaries.
Goddess of Java