Many moons ago, I ran across a term that just tickled the hell out of me, both for its succinctness and its applicability to many polyamorous situations. I wish I’d come up with it, because it’s just that good.
It’s called the One Penis Policy, and it tends to run something like this:
Male: Hey, I was thinking about maybe you and I opening up our relationship and being non-monogamous. You’d mentioned you thought Miss Brainy was pretty hot, didn’t you?
Female: Yep, she is. And I think maybe having a more open relationship would be really cool. Miss Brainy is hot, but I’ve kind of had my eye on Mr. Genius[1], too.
Male: No, I don’t think that would work. I mean, you’re bi, and I’m interested in women, so it’s fair that we can both have a girlfriend if we want.
While it’s certainly okay not to want a million relationships and maybe your dance card is full at two, and it just happens to occur that there’s only one penis going around[2], making it a rule is obnoxious and pretty damned sexist.
To put it bluntly, why is it the woman’s responsibility to face culturally-programmed insecurities and not the man’s?
[1] If you don’t think brainy people are hot, you and I just don’t share similar tastes. Insert whatever adjective suits your fancy.
[2] Guys, if this is your situation and you’re proud of being so much of a man your woman doesn’t want any more men, don’t be too damn proud of yourself. You may be implementing a stealth One Penis Policy without realizing it.
Good find and fits so nicely, conforming to all the jaggedy bits and leaving just barely enough to the imagination. Excellent timing, too, as I recently posted a mini-rant and Q&A about this very topic on a journal in a unicorn-hunter-heavy part of the internets.
My favorite part is hearing these OPP adherents whine about the shortage of HBBs and taking the opportunity to sweetly explain to them that it’s their own damn fault for not sharing alike. (Sadly, having a multi-penis policy doesn’t necessarily lead to more or even any unicorns gathering excitedly around one’s doorstep.)
Of course this is all under the assumption that everyone in this scenario is cis-gendered. What do you think about the situation where the man is trans and doesn’t have a penis? Or if one of the women is trans and does? This isn’t meant to be rhetorical, I am actually interested in your opinion.
Yes, in these scenarios everyone is cis-gendered. I can’t write an article that covers all the bases in less than 3000 words. That’s a bit long for a blog post.
I tend not to deal with trans issues for a very basic reason. I don’t know enough about ’em to write a useful article. I have ONE trans friend, and am fond of him, but I’d do more harm than good discussing the issue based on that one piece of data.
@gabrielle Actually I knew a trans guy with a version of the one penis policy, same builshit only their was an undercurrent of “but if she has sex with a _real_ man she will leave me.
But I only have one penis……
Danglin, you’re a smartybrat.
I would tend to agree with you, for the most part, but I also believe that relationships are more about what works than what is fair. For my husband and I, one penis works. I don’t know if it’s necessarily a “rule”, but it’s how we function, and we’re very happy this way. Maybe it’s because we’re pretty much mono/poly, maybe it’s because he’s insecure or jealous, maybe it’s because one man is enough for me. All I know is that, as a polyamorous woman, I strive not to judge others’ relationship arrangements. There’s enough of that going around.
I think if this kind of relationship is natural for your partnership, then yay and do what feels natural, but I also think the main focus of this article is relationships where a OPP is mandatory.
I guess it’s a good point, all things being equal, but usually they aren’t. I’m male, married to a woman. We have opened our relationship for two reasons: 1. My wife wanted to date women and 2. I felt that I needed more sex than she could give me.
In our situation it is a OPP, otherwise opening our relationship would not be an option for me. I realize that it may be a double standard, but at this point in time, it’s what we need to make this work. Maybe I could work my way up to accepting sharing my wife with another man, but not right now. It’s hard enough sharing her at all, and I know she’s having the same feelings.
It’s certainly not a “rule” we’ve emplaced, nor do I feel it is sexist. On the other hand, to put it bluntly, why is this another thing dumped on the collective male tab of “insecure/sexist/obnoxious”? Society is composed of men and women, and there are just as many women out there that would see having multiple partners as harmful, slutty, dirty, immoral or what have you without having to blame a situation that works for some people on some sort of failing in men. Perhaps it is a failing, but it doesn’t seem fair to paint every man in my situation with that brush.
I think we have enough problems dealing with poly relationships of all sorts with out resorting to blaming each other for individual agreements that may, or may not, change over time as people grow and change as people.
In the scenario above, both the man and the woman are comfortable with bringing another woman into the relationship. The woman isn’t being pressured to do anything she is uncomfortable with, so why should the man be required to allow another man into the relationship if he is uncomfortable with it? That would be unfair.
In the example I give, the woman expresses interest in the guy and is shut down and her preference ignored while being informed it is fair.