It’s time to reach into the Goddess of Java’s mailbag and see what strange and wonderful questions come up.
It seems that I have found myself in a crossroads about whether it is in fact possible to find people who share the same views on polyamory AND share physical connection with. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, since we were teenagers, and decided to explore opening our marriage over a year and a half ago. we’ve had a variety of experiences ranging from group sex to separate dates and long lasting developed friendships that have all left us feeling frustrated and let down in the end. My husband and I have been trying to create a loving, connective, trust-filled relationship with other people both together and separately to no avail.
*wince* A year and a half isn’t really a very long search, ya know. For that matter, I’m not entirely sure you can build the level of intimacy you’re talking about in a whole year and a half. If you’re comparing this to your relationship with your husband, keep in mind that relationship has been over a decade in the building. Perspective, chica.
The people have either been into it for sole sexual purposes after having claimed to be interested in being friends or have not met us on a sexual level at all. We’ve tried all sorts of venues from traditional “swinger” websites to meeting people outside of lifestyle arenas to tantra workshops and beyond. We feel as if we are alone in our capability of wanting a connection while actually having ridiculously hot sex. (Emphasis added)
Arrogance is only attractive to a very small subset of humanity. I see that you have two options: Keep the arrogance and accept that your search is gonna take awhile, or maybe consider the wonders of a little humility. You’ve been open a year and a half, for pity’s sake. If you’re pattin’ yourself on the back for how damn loving you are, you really might wanna reconsider your attitude. I’m all for love, but self-congratulations ain’t about love.
You might also want to consider the fact that when you have very specific wants, not only is it going to take awhile to find what it is you want, but that it’s okay for that to happen. I’m sure you’re well aware that no relationship at all is better than a bad one, so waiting is really okay.
Also, have you considered that many people who have been poly awhile are a lot more interested in taking things slowly? Like you, many of them have discovered that while you can find hot sex pretty much anywhere, that combination of hot sex and intimacy requires some very judicious partner selection. Good partner selection is the foundation of good relationships, and the happily poly have learned this.
We both feel that there is something amazing to be had and an incredible amount of potential in being polyamorous but have yet to really find that true connection or level of intimacy that we’re looking for.
Yes, the world is really full of amazing people to interact with and love. You are so right. But it’s okay to be patient.
Are there are great places to meet and connect with people in the NYC/Long Island area that you know of that you can point us to? Sex clubs are a-plenty, but meeting real people who are not afraid of what we’re looking for seems like a mythical creature.
Have you checked out Poly-NYC? They’ve been around quite awhile. But, you might want to consider the wonders of meeting partners by going out and doing stuff you love to do. Seriously! What are you into that’s not sex? Go do that. You might get surprised.
I know that being counseled to patience sounds tedious and unhelpful. I don’t blame you. But as someone who waited sixteen years for a chance at something she’d wanted from her early teens only to jump at the first opportunity at it and find that it was… not going to be happy, let me urge you strongly that patience and selectiveness is a great idea.
 Contributing, I’m sure, to a somewhat small and select romantic circle on my part…
 And thanks for bringing this to mind, as this is the culmination of several letters that say that this is a necessary future Misanthrope column.