“Now it is a strange thing, but things that are good to have and days that are good to spend are soon told about, and not much to listen to; while things that are uncomfortable, palpitating, and even gruesome, may make a good tale, and take a good deal of telling anyway.” — J.R.R. Tolkein
Apparently someone referred to the advice on this blog as awesome on Twitter about an hour ago.
That’s really cool, and heavens yes, I’m flattered. Though my first response was, “Awesome? Maybe. But this blog? Dead.”
Thing is, it’s dead for good reasons, even if they’re not good for the poly community. After all, you guys are just pantingly eager for my next post, right?
You see, nothing in my life is inspiring a column! I could talk about how I went down to visit FWB, Button and the Baby, but that’s hardly exciting to you, since nothing happened that needed to be talked out or solved. (Though those of you on Netflix have got to check out “Breaking the Maya Code” documentary. It’s fascinating).
See? Babies? Linguistics documentaries? I’m a nerd and that’s what my life and relationships are about.
Or I could talk about my husband and his girlfriend, except? What? I like her? We get along? We’re both happy my husband makes a fantastic dirty martini? I enjoy that stuff, but it’s not exactly cranky misanthrope blog material.
Though, when you think about it, that’s when poly is really good — when you’re not focused on form and function, but are enjoying living. The relationship stuff that comes up isn’t poly-specific, usually.
Like last night. I got severely pissed at The Prince for what I’d thought of as a lack of communication about a non-relationship matter. Now, I’ve learned that when I’m pissed to back off and think, so it’s not that poly and relationships have taught me nothing. Rather the opposite. Rather than freak, I took care of a situation and kept my damned mouth shut until a calm time when we could talk. In the end, it turned out that he’d been quite fully communicative, but for some reason, the text he sent didn’t show up on my phone. So, it was a communication thing and a relationship thing, but not a poly thing. And not material for a poly-specific column.
Though maybe that’s what the poly community needs. Maybe we who have our live and matter-of-fact relationships, we who aren’t surrounded by whirling chaos, but are just living and enjoying our lives that happen to be poly need to talk about it more. So often the forums are dominated by the newly or wanting-to-be poly unhappy and needing advice, or the newly poly delirous with the wonder of it all. Certainly these states are as valid as any other and I’m not trying to denigrate where you might be in life. I am just thinking that those of us busy living could take a few moments, tell our stories, and show that at some point, it’s not all high drama.
But maybe that would be too dull.
14 thoughts on “Hobbiton”
As somewhat the culprit of your Twitter reference, I have to say – even if you’re not actively updating this blog, I found it and continue to find it an absolutely wonderful resource. I just recently discovered it and read every single entry back to the beginning. Your perspective is refreshing and your entries enlightening, even those that are years old.
If you feel like you’ve said what you’ve needed or wanted to say – and you have been writing a long time, so that would be completely understandable – please don’t feel any pressure from out here to keep writing the same stuff over and over. But speaking as a newbie to the world of poly, I’ve loved your blog, and I keep visiting it even though it’s not actively updated. Others will find it useful, as well. Thank you for writing it and keeping it around.
I have found the advice on this site tremendously useful, to the point where I wish I had found it years ago when I thought I was monogamous. Learning how to manage communication and boundaries comes up more often in the poly and kink communities, because the relationships and activities aren’t assumed to be one-size-fits-all…
But, my previous supposedly easy monogamous relationships would have profited from a lot more communication and boundary managing, and a lot fewer assumptions based on what the culture was showing as normal.
I think there’s value in the day to day life.
It would have been nice… restful…optimistic, even. The poly life of someone ‘boring’ and by and large comfortable in her own skin and relationships would have offered more hope than the drama on most elists.
I want to whine at you for not writing because I love your writing, but I completely understand what you mean. I am new to the kink community (specifically D/s, with a masochistic twist), but there are so many things I learned from your site prior to the exploration phase.
Now that I know who I am I want to yell it from the skies, yet something stops me from talking about it on my blog. I don’t know what that is. I have so much to say, but I’m having too much fun to stop the carousel and say it. 🙂
boring, no! it’s inspiring to see when poly can be something other than a neverending well of chaos and sorting out heavy relationship issues. 😉 more, please!
Kudos on your happy-poly, boring life! I, too, find my own homelife ecstatically boring at the moment. However, your blog has come as quite a comfort when my life IS in upheaval, er, rather, my sporadic emotions are giving me a roller coaster ride. I enjoy very much reading any of the blogs, recent or past, as they give me a sense of calm and hope that the downward wave that I am descending will have an upslope soon and that I just need to wait it out. In the meantime, inward reflection is in order.
So whether you continue to write or not, I enjoy all that you have and will share.
I’m very glad to hear your life is going, to others, unremarkably (I mean that in the most literal sense). Couldn’t have chosen a better quote than the one you did.
As long as this blog stays up, for the newly poly to discover and learn from, or the oldies to go back for reminders, I for one will always be happy that it merely existed at all. It’s been a bigger help than reading the Ethical Slut was by far.
“take a few moments, tell our stories, and show that at some point, it’s not all high drama”
I wouldn’t find that dull! Actually, I’ve been very much wanting to read that sort of thing, and not finding enough of it. I want to read about the everyday minutiae, scheduling, relationships between metamours. Especially cohabiting with metamours! Where can I read a nice domestic story that includes a happy V that lives together?
i think I rather like hearing about your ‘boring’ poly life…. I’ve just spent an evening with my wife/spice on the couch reading your blogs while our husband travels for business. The dogs are laying on our feet and the child is watching Nick Jr… seems pretty happily boring in our poly world tonite.
I have been despairing of late, because the only poly relationships I’m personally aware of are chaotic disasters. Jealousy, cruelty, abuse, neglect, NO communication, and sometimes it feels like that’s all there is, and healthy, respectful, communicative, boring, successful poly relationships are a myth.
So thank you for sharing that it’s possible. If it weren’t for you and Franklin, I’d have given up on poly altogether.
Please do share the boring, the good, and the unremarkable, because that’s really what the poly community needs, IMO. More proof that it CAN work, rather than endless stories of pain and misery.
I love your boring poly life. I love MY boring poly life.
I think there’s a lot of value in simply quietly being there, saying, “Hey y’all, see? It ain’t all dramasauce here in polyland.” and then living that truth. I am glad you occasionally find things to write about it.
I believe that this is EXACTLY what the poly community needs… I know *I* crave stories of the good times, and theories on how we got there 🙂
So true, all of the above. I realised long ago that I only write stuff down when overwrought,and records of innumerate happy,functional days pass me by. Because when slouching blissfully on the couch with one beloved, or gallivanting off exploring with the other, why would I want to hit pause and start scribbling? These days far outnumber the dramas, and as more dramas work themselves out and demons are laid to rest the greater cause for optimism I have, for we always come out closer and stronger. Heres to the quite extraordinary delight in the hard won ordinary. As many people have said, however far apart your posts, they’ve been great encouragement. Maybe we all should spread good news a bit. Cheers!