I just started looking at this blog a few days ago and I love it. I also entered a poly relationship a few days ago… and I’m slightly less sure about that.
I am dating a man who is also married. His wife is strongly poly-oriented and until he met me he didn’t understand the concept. Now he and I are in the flush of new love (We were strictly friends for four months and the introduction of physical intimacy has created the kind of fireworks I’ve only ever read about. Very intense.) and I’ve never been happier. His wife and I are on very good terms and so far thing are going swimmingly. My secondary status at this point is related only to the fact that he and she share the usual responsibilities and attachments of legal marriage. I do not feel secondary in his heart.
In fact… THAT is the thing I am slightly concerned about. He’s in love with me. I’m in love with him. It might just be some serious new relationship energy but the way he talks… it’s like I’m the real love of his life and she’s a friend and partner that he respects. Am I entering a poly relationship with a man whose marriage is on the rocks but just doesn’t realize it yet? Am I setting myself up to feel like a home-wrecker? Is the poly label a band-aid over our affair?
I’m new to this whole thing and probably overreacting and over thinking – but I’d love some outside input.
If you’re trying to label yourself as the “real” love of someone’s life, I’m not sure you’re (Blind Io forgive me for going here) really approaching this as polyamorous. Sounds to me like you kinda would be pretty happy if he dumped his wife and got with you. If it’s not you and this is the way he’s talking without your expectations, you might want to sit down with your favorite cuppa and give this a good, hard think.
The whole point of polyamory is that you can be in love with more than one person. You know that, I know that. Does he know that?
I will say that if he’s going to dismiss an old partner for the new and shiny, he’ll dismiss you for the new and shiny further down the road. Watching very carefully how new partners treat old partners is an excellent way to predict behavior once the NRE wears off. Worst relationship decisions I ever made was ignoring this and making situational excuses in the throes of NRE. Learn from my stupidity.
From the couple’s perspective, “relationship broken, add more people” is never a good idea. At best, it’ll precipitate a breakup. But it can often trigger explosions as well. You don’t want to be the schrapnel.
It doesn’t sound to me like she’d be happier if he left his wife – that sounds like her biggest fear here!
I’ve had relationships where I felt like my partner was trying to tell me that I was the real love of his life, not his wife. Sometimes all it means is that the person hasn’t learned how to express the intensity of their feelings without making it sound exclusive of their current partners – society doesn’t give us tools for that, we have to learn them. Maybe pointing it out will help him express himself differently.
Sometimes it means that his relationship with his wife is indeed troubled. If, as a friend to him and his wife, you feel that he’s treating both of you honestly and honorably, there comes a point where it isn’t your place to poke your nose into their relationship. You can express the fact that it troubles you (“I feel…”) but it’s not anyone’s place to tell them how their relationship should look.
You can also choose to remove yourself from the relationship if it troubles you enough. That won’t save them – they’ll just try poly with someone else – but it does remove you from the ethical dilemma.
You can rest easy on one thing though – it’s not a band-aid on an affair! All the involved parties have clearly consented.
Here’s what concerns me:
“His wife is strongly poly-oriented and until he met me he didn’t understand the concept. ”
To me this means that neither the letter writer nor the husband have much practice in relationships that are outside society’s monogamous mold. They aren’t used to the idea of loving more than one person and their communication and habits have possibly not caught up to where they think they should be at the moment.
If you are really worried about this, one thing you might do is express that part of what you like about him is his relationship with his wife. Make it clear in what you say and do that you want to continue to be on good terms with her. Expressly consider her needs when you schedule things with him.
How he treats his wife is a very good clue as to how he will treat you when your relationship is no longer shiny and new, so absolutely pay attention to what he does and how he communicates.
Wow. Thank you all so much for the advice. Leah you really hit the nail on the head (thank you) but I will take ALL of the feedback into consideration. Thanks so much. More comments would be welcome!
I do think this could be a case of the wrong vocabulary — or lack of the right vocabulary to truly describe the situation. If the boyfriend treats his wife with love and respect — but is experiencing passion in the new relationship, that’s fairly normal. So long as there remains love and respect for the wife, and the wife is comfortable with the situation. Since the wife is poly-friendly, she may be getting her own dose of NRE elsewhere, and may be just fine with her “comfortable” and “respectful” marriage. However, if the boyfriend is mistreating the wife, ignoring her, or discussing issues in the marriage that aren’t being addressed, those are all warning signs.
It’s great to analyze the situation to make sure you’re heading in the right direction, but it does complicate things unnecessarily to compare and contrast. Any party that compares and contrasts will inevitably find discrepancies and disparities. So long as each partner is receiving what he or she needs, and each partner is willing and trying to give the others what they need, these imbalances of passion will even out as time goes on.